Dear members, … HELP!!

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past 7 years. However, things began to go downhill : we had just bought a house, I was having an emotional breakdown at work and was not feeling his love and support like I needed to at the time. I had also started going out more and had made a lot more friends my age (he and I have a 13-year age gap) and was feeling like I was missing out on a lot (we had started dating when I turned 19). In Feb 2017, I started sleeping with someone I had met fairly recently at the gym I worked at. I had been instantly attracted to him and had never felt this way about anybody else – ever. The attraction was instantaneous and electric, and he felt it too. I absolutely never believed that this would be the kind of thing I would ever do, but it became obvious as soon as I met this man that I would sleep with him and engage in some sort of a relationship with him.

In March 2017, I left because my partner and I were no longer on the same page, he was no longer paying attention to me despite my repeated calls for help (and a 3-page letter), and I felt lost in this big family home we’d just bought. I couldn’t understand why I’d jumped into this purchase with him as I don’t want children (not now, anyways, I’m 26 and he’s 39), and it was clearly his idea (I’m at a fault for not seeing earlier it may have been a mistake). When I left, he was devastated. I still helped out financially with the home but he indeed did all the physical work to the point of exhaustion. About 1 month 1/2 later, I agreed to go out to lunch with him. I found he was a changed man, much more open and finally confiding in me. I was thrilled. I moved back in and we decided to start working on our relationship more. On several occasions, I tried to break it off with the now-turned-friend I was having sex with, but never managed to. It was such a breath of fresh air just to spend time with him, even if no magical love-making was involved.

I had gotten to the point where I viewed him as an amazing friend that I had great sex with, a sorts of “best friends with benefits” agreement, and started reasoning about the situation saying that so long as my bf didn’t find out, I was just getting release with someone I really clicked with. The situation just got more complicated.

A couple weeks ago, my bf told me that he was losing it and was unhappy in our relationship. He feels as though I don’t make him, our dogs, or the house a priority. He’s entirely correct. He reiterated it this morning that he’s on the verge of leaving. I can’t stand to see him unhappy, I really can’t. I WANT things to work between us, but I just don’t know how I should go about it. Of course, the first step should be ending my affair, but I just CAN’T bring myself to do it (actually, I don’t want to do it). I very childishly would rather someone make the decision for me. I know that my bf deserves so much better than what I am currently giving him (which isn’t much, I’ll admit). But I’m petrified that he’s the love of my life and that if I stomp on the relationship now I will regret it absolutely forever. There really aren’t that many great men out there.

I must add that I saw the friend in question again last night who told me he had started to have feelings for me. I admitted that I did too. We initially agreed to stop seeing each other, but ended the night in the most passionate love-making sequence we’ve ever experienced. I told him that I had too much love and respect to keep on with the relationship if he was going to get hurt. I promised him to be a loving friend and that I didn’t want him to suffer. We seem to be more on the same page because we only have a 4-year age difference. Things seem so much simpler with him. But on the other hand, I am so fortunate to have a very handsome, intelligent, funny, hard-working partner at home : why am I not grateful? I know that my behavior demonstrates that I do not deserve him in the least. But I just don’t know what to do. I have tried to make up my mind one way or the other so many times and cannot come to grasps with what is the best decision to make : lose the house and a 7-year relationship with a loyal man just for something that may not turn out to be more than a fling (although I would never describe my relationship with my friend as such)? Lose everything I’ve built until now but find someone who I’m truly compatible with and who makes me feel alive? Is this just another case of limerence, that will pass with time? Is the grass really greener on the other side? I have so much riding on this that I have no idea how to deal with the current situation.

I am just so lost and feel so worthless. Please, help!