May 7, 2019 at 10:30 am #292699
For a short introduction, I’m a 16 year old girl with a family of 5 (my dad, mom and 2 elder siblings)
So as the title said I’ve gone through childhood trauma. As long my childhood memories go, I’ve ALWAYS seen my parents fight. When I was about 6 yrs old, my mom attempted to commit suicide right in front of me (and I was the only witness standing there). I’ve always seen them shouting at each other, fighting and doing shit. What the thing they had mostly fights for was because dad cheated on mom a couple of times. He would have outside marriage affairs and then deny it straight on mom’s face when she came to know about it. He would lie, she would helplessly argue, and the fight would begin. This scandal would stay for 2-3 years and he’ll find another affair…
Then they split up, but never divorced. So they are still our legal guardians, but dad never comes home. It’s been more than seven years since he ever stepped in home. He actually then married his fourth affair, and he lives with them and even have two daughters.
With time my elder brothers grew up without any ”father guidance”. One does drugs now, and the other one is a stupid bitch (Literally no joke).
Then I also had these health problems since childhood. I have this back problem from birth(there is space between my backbone at an important spot,,, so I had some kidney problems, eye sight problem and lots of fevers through my childhood)
Growing up seeing my siblings losing their smile slowly, my mom struggling with loneliness and anxiety, and health issues has made quite unpleasant experience though these 16 yrs of my life. HOWEVER, I’m not a believer of bad things. I’m aware of that this world is a beautiful place and hard times don’t make this fact less agreeable.
What I’ve been losing faith in lately, is myself. 2019 has been a really tough year till now. On 13th of Feb my eldest brother also attempted to commit suicide. They made sure I wasn’t aware of that incident, but little do they know I was awake that night under the blankets listening to all that had happened throughout the night. I just pretended. Went to school. Gave my exam and went through the day next day as if nothing happened. Many other things happened, but since I’m already taking a load ton of paragraphs to get to the point, so I’ll leave this one here.
I don’t believe in myself anymore. (I had always dealt with self-hatred). But these past weeks I don’t seem to handle stress even slightly well. Every little issue just seems to break me down a little from inside. I feel like a player in a video game that is slowly losing it’s power meter with every hit. So, mainly from where this stress comes from is also a family problem. As I mentioned dad doesn’t come to home or ever meets me (he ocassionally meets up with brothers but not me), and NEVER has called mom or talked to her in ages. I have to take all the responsibility to call dad for any financial matters. Parents are supposed to do that by themselves, but this burden goes on me and I’m finding it really hard to handle it lately. Even a little call scares me now. Always calling dad when month starts or ends, always worrying about my education fees and expenses and ANY financial issues or needs,,, it’s gotten so tiring.
I’m just tired.
But I can’t tell it to anyone now, because I can’t open up to any of my friends they must be very over whelmed with my traumatic shit and all so I don’t intend to make any one uncomfortable or over worry for me. Also, I’m the ‘funny friend’ you see, always making jokes, laughing it through, and the happy-go-lucky kinda optimistic person. (I don’t pretend to be all that!I actually enjoy their company and look forward to be a bright and optimistic one)
Can you please suggest how I can take a rest form all the mentally tiring lock-ups in our family,,, without having to talk it out with mom or anyone because it’s of no use, they don’t do anything about that. They just listen and don’t bother.
I’m sorry if anyone reading this felt uncomfortable or bad in any way. Thank you for if you’ve read through all that of my rant
Take care and have a good day!
GreetingsMay 7, 2019 at 11:28 am #292719
My short summary (with quotes) of what you shared:
“I’ve ALWAYS seen my parents fight”, until your father moved out and never stepped in your home since seven years ago, you were 9 at that time. When you were 6, your mother attempted to commit suicide right in front of you, you were the only witness to it. You suffer from a backbone problem that caused you kidney, eyesight problems, and fevers throughout your childhood.
It has been your role to call your father on the phone every month regarding him paying for what you and your two older siblings need. One sibling does drugs and the other, you think little of. One of them tried to commit suicide recently.
You took on the role of the “‘funny friend.. always making jokes.. the happy-go-lucky kinda optimistic person”, and you do enjoy your friends’ company and being the optimistic one. You don’t want to burden them with your troubles, don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable.
You are very tired and you are getting more and more tired.
“I had always dealt with self-hatred”, you wrote. Can you tell me about this self hatred?
May 7, 2019 at 2:02 pm #292735
- This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
At such a young age you certainly have had a lot to deal with and I’m impressed that you have been able to keep you head above water, if only just, and are able to recognize that you could use some help.
I agree with your intuition (which seems to be a strength of yours) turning to your friends as a therapist would be an error as it is unlikely they have the skills needed to lead you through the ‘woods’. That’s not saying you can’t lean on your friends as you support each other, just that turning to friends as you might a therapist will change those relationships.
My advice would be to seek out help from a qualified therapist. Is it possible your school guidance consular could point you towards someone? There is no shame to getting help and sometime we just need someone that we don’t have a relationship with to listen to our thoughts so me might better straighten them out.
I wish you well on your journey through the woods.May 7, 2019 at 7:19 pm #292773
The self-hatred I’ve mentioned takes a lot of toll on me.
You might have heard the saying, ”children are the best imitators”. So that goes 80% of this in this case. My mother had always low self-esteem. She belittelled her role and worth. And that’s why maybe she never had a nerve to take a divorce or stand up for herself with courage. I saw her growing up, and probably that’s why I’m turning out to have low self-esteem, self-hatred issues, and becoming this ‘maybe I don’t deserve it’, ‘i’m not enough’ person.
I’ve also used self harm for about 2 years and still continue.
That’s for it! I guess. Here’s your answerMay 7, 2019 at 7:23 pm #292775
Thank you for the advice.
I was thinking of having a little talk with our guidance counselor at school. She is the nicest and most trust worthy person I’ve ever met. I’m just afraid that I’ll lose courage to take it out when I get a chance to talk to her…May 7, 2019 at 7:52 pm #292783
I will read and reply to your recent posts (and anything you may want to add, if you do) when I am back to the computer, in about 10 hours from now.
anitaMay 8, 2019 at 8:06 am #292829
As a child you witnessed your father fighting and shouting at your mother, but you also witnessed your mother arguing, shouting and fighting with your father in front of her young children, again and again and again. And then she attempted suicide, or pretended to attempt suicide in front of you when you were six.
“With time my elder brothers grew up without any ‘father guidance'”- yes, and they grew up with an aggressive mother who argued a lot, shouted a lot, fought in front of your brothers without consideration of her children, of how those fights were damaging her young children.
I wonder if she fought with your father while you were sick with those fevers you mentioned?
I think that it is most important that you do talk to that guidance counselor at your school. Maybe it is possible for you to live elsewhere, away from your mother and siblings, for the next two years before you become legally an adult.
When you live away, in a place that is supervised and is safe from ongoing or the strong memory of those fights and aggression, then quality psychotherapy will help you a whole lot.
You wrote in your second post that “children are the best imitators”- you referred to your mother’s low self esteem. Did you or do you imitate her aggression as well, shouting and fighting and all that?
anitaMay 8, 2019 at 11:55 pm #292973
No I don’t imitate her aggression. Not at others especially. I know how it feels like to be shouted at and have or witness fights, so I just avoid any little fight or argument ever as possible with others (but I do fight a bit with mother sometimes as every teenager would do). I only have anger issues with myself. I get angry at myself too often and harm myself.
And I completely got your point you mentioned about my mother not taking consideration of us present through all drama. This was worse because she also kept involving us, making us leave home for days with her more than twice just because their fight got serious at that point. And I’ve also bore the responsibility of ‘good child’ who would support them when they’ll be depressed, who would pick them up first ignoring my own mental health, who would cheer them up no matter how hard it was going in school or elsewhere, who would always live up to take any responsibility there is to take because my brothers would never do that.
About living for two years,,, I don’t have enough money or support that would allow me to do that and still continue my education without dad’s support.Next two years are my A level’s years, and then I’m planning to get scholarship to a uni in Canada. I think that time period will give me a relieve from all this. But, is there any way you can tell me that will allow me support myself if I move out already? Please do share it
And thank you for your timeMay 9, 2019 at 7:38 am #293009
I didn’t think of you, at 16, supporting yourself if you didn’t live with your parents. There are countries with alternative arrangements for children (and you are still a child) who live with abusive parents, and/ or in unsafe homes. Alternative arrangements such as group homes, certain shelters where teenagers live supervised by responsible adults, have a counselor available for sessions there, a safe home of sorts, financed by the government or some charity organization.
What is clear to me is that it will be best for you to live away from your parents, away from this home-of-origin and never return to live there.
The happy-go-lucky personality, that is a role you found yourself in when dealing with your depressed parents, it made you feel better in the situation you found yourself in, you were the good child “who would pick them up first ignoring my own mental health, who would cheer them up no matter how hard it was going in school or elsewhere”-
– it is difficult to give up a roles that made us feel better in a difficult situation. It made it possible for you to somewhat endured your home life, but this role will not help you have a good life anywhere-
– no longer ignore your own mental health and instead, attend to it. Ask for people to help you, not just any person, but people who are able to help you. Maybe that guidance counselor is a person to begin with, maybe she has information about possible resources for you, a place to move to, therapy sessions for you to attend, so to heal and move forward toward a better and better life for yourself?
May 9, 2019 at 9:24 am #293043
- This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by anita.
Thank you so much for the talk and listening it all.
I got it, I’ll talk to our guidance counselor soon
Thank you. Bless you
Have a good life
GreetingsMay 9, 2019 at 9:30 am #293047
Thank you so much for the talk and listening it all. (Oh and I accidentally reported my own reply, so don’t worry it wasn’t inappropriate.. just wanted to let you know..)
I got it, I’ll talk to our guidance counselor soon
Thank you. Bless you
Have a good life
GreetingsMay 9, 2019 at 9:37 am #293051
You are very welcome and feel free to post again here anytime you want to, I will be glad to read from you again and again and reply to you.
anitaMay 9, 2019 at 9:40 am #293053
Yes thank you a lotMay 9, 2019 at 9:55 am #293059
You are welcome, Javairia, and thank you for your good wishes for me (in your previous post).