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Choosing between carefreeness and…?

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  • July 31, 2013 at 7:41 pm #39519
    Amy Eng
    Participant

    I’m on a fork road and I don’t know which way to go. There are two guys that I am interested in, which is something that I am not very comfortable with–I tend to stick with one person at a time. Both guys are great but they are great in different lights: one is a few years older than I, and we work together. He makes me want to be better than I am, and we make a great team at work. I care about what he thinks of me, and we talk a lot about our life whether if it’s personal (which we talk a lot about) and work. When we talk, I act immature but with a more adult-like attitude (which I am very comfortable with); the other guy is a year older than I, and when we spend time together, I end up acting more immature than I usually am. I become someone much more carefree. Although we have only been dating for several weeks, we have gotten physical very quickly, which is something that never happened before. I don’t know what to do or how to pick. My inner voice says to choose the first guy because he makes me want to be someone good and right. How can you choose between two good men??

    August 1, 2013 at 7:15 am #39545
    Matt
    Participant

    Amy,

    I can respect the confusion that arises when our hearts are open to more than one person, and trying to decide what to do with that information. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    You said a few times that these men lead you to act in different ways. This wrinkled in my brain, because on one hand we are naturally adaptive to situations and people… like speaking a different language in different cultures. However, do you know your native tongue? Who are you in the absence of these men? What do you see? How do you act?

    My teacher said the most important thing for an intimacy is whether the two people are seeing the same thing. Both in each other, but also at the world. Put into this context, in which connection do you feel closest to your native tongue? Consider that acting in a way that is “what they expect” or “who he makes me” or “what he inspires in me” can be very draining and disorienting. It can also move us to grow in amazing ways… but only if it is growth that you really want to happen.

    You said the current boyfriend makes you act less mature than you are… which boggles my mind. How can we act in a way that is not who we are?

    Perhaps the question you could ask yourself is “which do I like to be with more?” And “which do I feel more comfortable speaking my true thoughts and feelings?” Remember that changing to fit what you think they want is sure to end in disaster… and instead we look to see which partner is looking out at a similarly painted world.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    Remember that not making a choice is still a choice! 🙂

    August 1, 2013 at 7:32 am #39546
    John
    Participant

    Hi Amy,

    Yours in a very interesting dilemma. I like the way you described how the presence of two individuals can bring out two very different sides of you. It’s amazing how fluid identity is and what affect others can have on how we act and feel about ourselves. That’s very insightful on your part. 🙂

    Here’s a few things for you to consider:

    1) Relationship history teaches us that it’s probably not a good idea to start a romantic relationship at work. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but be aware of the potential pitfalls if this relationship ends or ends badly. Go in with eyes wide open.

    2) Consider that there is a third option and that is choosing neither of the two.

    3) I’m very cautious when I hear phrases like “He makes me want to be better than I am” and “I care what he thinks of me” and “he makes me want to be someone good and right”. Statements like these lead me to believe that perhaps you’re not entirely comfortable with who you are as an individual and seek out external validation and approval. I empathize completely, because I still fall into that trap in my relationships. Be mindful of that voice that may be leading you towards being dependent on someone else for your happiness, well-being, and a secure sense of self. To help you make a better decision, it’s useful sometimes to step back ask, “Why do I want to be in a relationship in the first place?” Once again, contemplating that question may help you consider another option and that is choosing yourself first. 🙂

    August 2, 2013 at 4:52 am #39579
    Helen
    Participant

    Dear Amy

    I think it’s very important that you choose to be with a person who makes you feel like you can be your “true self”. Someone who, when you spend time with them, don’t make you think “Oh, I’m acting so immature” or “Oh, I feel like he makes me want to be a better person”. Both statements seem as though you want to be someone for them who you are not.

    Unfortunately, right now I feel like I’m in a relationship where my guy brings out bad sides of my personality – anxiousness, jealousy, insecurity. But I do aknowledge that these all have to do with me, as well. But you can choose if you want to be in a relationship with someone who brings these things out in you.

    Maybe the way you explained it to all of us here was bound to be misunderstood. Be with the person who makes you feel best. That’s it.

    All the best
    Helen

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