Dating for me has seem to be a more negative and negative experience, because despite my best efforts, I am always and constantly looking for more. When I first started dating I was very positive about it and saw the positive qualities in the [then] boys that I dated, but I went through was a lot of girls do, getting cheated on, being lied to, being let down, feeling not good enough or getting compared to other girls, etc. So from high school to undergrad I went from dating guys for fun and love to just dating guys because I needed that reassurance that I was good enough to even have a boyfriend. When I met my most recent ex in 2014, it seemed like things were finally going to be good for me, because I went from having extremely low self esteem to feeling great about myself (so I thought). My ex made me very happy towards the beginning, and I almost couldn’t believe how perfect I felt we were for each other. I had never felt so in love and he made me feel like a queen. Well…thats when it started to happen. After about 4 or 5 months I started to emphasize every single negative thing he would do, and I did it as much as I could. If he was late to something I would blow up. Didn’t get me a gift that I liked or take me somewhere I wanted to go I would throw fits. If he wanted to do anything I felt was “a waste of time” or “selfish” of him (because it wasn’t something I wanted to do…oh the irony!), I would get very angry and be completely silent the entire time. I started to keep track of every single little thing he did and brought up his mistakes to him constantly. When I started graduate school, I started wondering what I was doing dating a guy who “wasn’t even in college.” and I started to think well, if he isn’t going to go to college he should at least pay for everything for me…why doesn’t he ‘at least’ do that? Suddenly, the guy that I fell in love with for who he was deep down, wasn’t “good enough” for me. I, of course, failed to see that I was the one still extremely insecure about my body and physical appearance, some of the things I do when I am under stress (get extremely messy, irritable, & unreliable…I’m usually late to everything or just don’t show up, etc.). I am also an extremely frugal person. If the roles were switched, how would I have felt if he demanded me to pay for everything simply because he was in school? Would I have even been able to afford that? Probably not.

After 3 years of being together it was just argument after argument and me trying to make every single change in him that I could until one day he flat out told me he hadn’t been himself in a very very long time. The last time that I upset him and told him I was angry at him for something he did that was essentially harmless, he broke up with me. It was a shock to me.

For the next 6 months I basically went through a depression and I regretted my actions. I realized that I was still the same low-self esteemed girl as before, only now I was even more ugly because of how I treated my ex and I was also now short one amazing boyfriend that I took for granted. To this day I still miss him, and I wish more than anything that I could apologize to him and at least be friends, but I think that this burned bridge is one of my biggest life lessons and it needs to stay burned to remind myself that this is the outcome of someone who constantly forces negativity into someone else’s life.

I don’t know if I am chronically unhappy (at least with men, but also with myself), but I just wish there was a way to not be. I love every aspect of my life except for my physical appearance. If the answer is as easy as “eat right and go workout”, which I feel it might be, I don’t understand why I haven’t just done it consistently yet. I have had goals for myself since high school that I still have yet to reach. I think that just the ability to set goals and work towards them is a quality in myself that I have yet to dig out and use permanently. I want to be as close to the best me that I can be. I feel like once I am there, it won’t matter if I have a boyfriend or not. And if I do, I will love and respect the man I choose to be with and not just use him as a puppet  to make myself feel better. In reality, up until now I feel like I am lucky that a lot of people that are close to me have put up with how I can be at times. I want to be someone who is positive and brings positivity to those around me. Life is too short to constantly be blaming others and even to be blaming myself for things that happen or don’t happen. I just want to focus on the future and achieve my goals and appreciate those who come along for the ride with me.

I know this is long, but if you took the time to read this, thank you so much. Please leave your advice for keeping motivation and momentum, forgiving and forgetting things that hurt you, focusing on positive qualities in people and situations, and whatever else you feel needs to be addressed. I greatly appreciate your time.