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close friend acting as stranger

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  • #181619
    chil
    Participant

    Hi

    I am mother of two kids  and working women, I am some what introvert person, I have a best friends and friends.

    This incident happened to me an year ago, I had a close friend at work since six years or little longer, initially  she was one of the good friends.  we both carried our journey of moving on to same location/place for twice as coincidence,

    As years passed i became very attached to her and felt she had the same feeling, we used to share lot of stuff about colleagues,  personal life.

    She used to tell me about many at work , home and gossip at work. Though we worked together in same team for long,  I never used to get such a insider perspective about anyone , as she used to get, I felt she was educating me and she was intelligent. I used to keep all the communication and relation with anyone at work strictly to work place and never built any network.

    Once it happened that when we moved to different team, I was first one to move and she moved later than me, That year I was expecting an appraisal and all in blues she got it, I felt sad initially but felt she deserves it but when I spoke to my supervisor for  what should i improve on he told me that I do not approach people for solutions more on team work etc then i struggle myself until i get clarity and because of this i lose time. This is something that reflects my personality.

    As years passed i moved to another location and in little while she moved too in span of six months, Our friendship continued, Me and my husband tried setting her new house in this country, I wanted to treat her as family friend and made more family visits.  that point of time I had one son and I got pregnant with my second. after while when i got pregnant  I slowly observed a difference, All in blues she stopped talking to me since then, How many times I call her for coffee, She rejects, She avoids any contact with me, I tried asking her couple of time if there was reason that she is hurt of, She barely told me any but one point she told me that she hates people being very self centered and I am , Reason being I tried telling her that I feel very bad about our relation and it is hurting me more than anything, She said I am thinking about myself and not her, again she called back saying it was gap misunderstanding and talked for while, again after little while she went back to same. she would avoid, but talk as a colleague in meetings etc ,

    For sometime she did not even reply to work emails and little later when she needed help she pinged me at work and since then we speak as colleagues when we see each other, She wouldn’t attend to any of my family events .She does not have kids,

    My son used to like the couple and i felt they reciprocated too,  One day  my son told me he miss them. I did tell him that they were out of town but I could not help but cry.

    She makes friends with others at work, I have a same circle too, We both behave as two disjoint entities, I am not sure what I can do in this situation, How to console myself, I feel extremely bad when we constantly come in touch. sometime I feel my lack of social life which I barely had after kids, Lack of success( I am playing neutral at work and having no major success but not bad to sustain my family because of my commitments. I am steady) makes me a bad friend.

    Lately I do not have good friends too, My husband has no social life almost big zero and I am unable to give time or make new friends, My elder kid also spends most of free time at home, We dont go out much,  My younger kid is still an infant. I tried speaking about this to my husband He says i am overacting  and should take it easy as it does not care about me any longer.

    I am troubled with two things , one is why did i invite such an experience, How to get peace and stop reacting inward due to my friend. This  experience really hurts, infact i cannot run way but live with it, I cannot change my job sooner  because obligations. How do I make new friends, I am doubting myself I lost confidence.

    Please help

     

     

     

     

    #181693
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chil:

    You wrote that when you asked your ex friend/present coworker why she withdrew from you (started “acting as a stranger”), she told you that “she hates people being very self centered” and that you are one of those people.

    Next you wrote: “Reason being I tried telling her that I feel very bad about our relations and it is hurting me more than anything“-

    Did you tell her you feel very bad etc. before she withdrew or after?

    Can you elaborate on what you told her, what did you tell her?

    anita

    #181805
    chil
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    “Can you elaborate on what you told her, what did you tell her?”

    she told me I was self centered as I was only thinking of my pain and not considering her state. I knew she has troubles in her life I understood that initially, I offered her help and tried talking about her problem, Clearly this time she was different and said it was very personal, I  did not disturb for long,  I thought she will eventually come out or heal but I would check once in while if she was ok. I was also working from home as I had very bad nausea and not much help in the country and I had troubles in pregnancy.

    This is the sequence(Sorry for mentioning every single detail, which might be very elaborate but since I am not able to find the problem and pattern in my behavior , I want to be very specific.)  I noticed she was avoiding me, not taking my calls and tried keeping conversation very professional. I found that multiple times. she would say she was busy but she used to talk to other team members, On one instance she had some doubt about subject – matter and when i was explaining and had  more questions,  she kind of got annoyed very much and shouted at me for asking questions.  couple of times, Initially i thought she  has troubles in her life,  I was giving her time and did not disturb her for quite bit of time and it went of months may be three or four  But later when I saw she was getting along with others and only avoiding me, I did ask her for reason, infact i kept conversation simple not emotional , since  I felt now definitely there was something to work upon,  once she told that I had time to spend with my other friend  ” I had to meet her because she was going through a lot and she was my childhood friend” I was not even sure why she felt that way, She came to know about me going out from my husband as he called her spouse to know about  them in general since I was worried about them.  Once during this time she told me that she doesnt understand why she got so attached to me and feeling bad that i am avoiding her, I was really puzzled and tried explaining her and attempts I made, later she called me up and told  me that  it was communication gap and does not know why we ended up without speaking to each other,

    Again she did the same thing for next  few months, Again i asked her and this time she rejected to talk to me, She said she will get disturbed  and that weekend when  I sent her mail  about how much i value her and her being like this causing pain to me,, she said I was self centered thinking about only myself.

    Later I wished her good luck and stop bothering her or either asking her about her well being. Its been almost 10 months.

    But at present, when ever I see her I get disturbed to such an extent because

    Why have I been inviting such things to happen with me, am I self centered or I am a bad friend.

    I dont want to be always be in good books of my friends but I want atleast my best friends understand me and giving me a parting reason.

    How to cope up this situation?  stop inviting this experiences, am I being very stupid and not able to judge.

    other two incidents in my life was my other friend and cousin sister who stopped talking to me for there family situations , there parents did not want to talk with me since we had family disputes. My parents wouldn’t insist me because they know I would nt  do that until I am convinced my self,

     

    Please help if you see a pattern

     

     

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by chil.
    #181817
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chil:

    I will read your latest post when I am back to the computer in about sixteen hours and reply to you then.

    anita

    #181821
    chil
    Participant

    Thanks Anita

     

     

    #181965
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chil:

    I did not understand all that you wrote. I re-read your original post and again, your recent post. This is my summary/ thoughts:

    she is married without children; you are married with two children, one is an infant.

    she is very sociable, having an ‘inside information” about colleagues at work; you are way less sociable, an introvert, you wrote, and keep work relationships strictly professional.

    she received an appraisal, some kind of a work promotion or praise even though you were at that work location longer; you also received a dissatisfactory evaluation of sort when told you do not work well in a team. You are stagnant in your job, maintaining position but not advancing.

    You are unhappy with your husband’s lack of social life, and maybe concerned with your older child not having much of a social life either.

    It may be, and it is only a guess, that you feel some jealousy regarding your friend, being sociable, getting the appraisal at work that you mentioned; maybe her husband is sociable and you wish your husband was as well.

    Clearly she has some anger toward you and that is why she shouted at you that one time you asked her questions. She clearly has been avoiding you. Not clear that you are angry at her, but it is possible that you are and have been, only you did not express it directly. Possible and therefore, it is possible that she noticed and reacted with hurt and anger back at you.

    Do you think it is possible that you expressed anger at her, being jealous of her, and that she noticed and reacted the way she did?

    anita

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