Catherine,

I’m sorry for the pain and confusion, and especially that he was untrue to you. You’re quite level headed, and I applaud you for the deep self awareness you expressed in your post. Namaste! It seems to me that the reason the desire to contact him is coming up is because as you’re healing, there is a part of you that wants to feel the relationship had its true moments, that he was a true friend, that the union meant something. With the lack of contact or apology from his side, it perhaps feels like you’re holding the suitcase of memories, and are uncertain how to unpack it without the validation from his side. Perhaps if he’d hear the pain in your voice, feel the anger and respond in such and such a way, something inside you would feel relief.

It can happen that way sometimes, where we share with our ex our hurt and get some validation and closure. Often not, however. Often it only produces more spinning, more questions. Think about it: if they were the partner we wished they’d been, it wouldn’t have turned out the way it did in the first place. Manipulative partners have a way of turning it back on us, and closure with them is usually better with a simple door closing. Perhaps you could give the suitcase to a mutual friend, and ask him or her to see it into his hands? It’d perhaps be relieving to get that stuff out of your home.

Also, it is never really beneficial to act from pretext. We become stronger when we act from authenticity, own our desires, communicate our desires completely and honestly. Don’t let him take that from you by trying to dance to his tune. Would it really help anything? If his empathy was closed enough to cheat, do you really think it will suddenly open if you confront him? Why invite further bruising of your heart for that man?

The relationship meant something to you, and that’s enough. You loved and committed, and that’s enough. Next time, hopefully your partner will step to the plate and join you where you are, and benefit from all of the beauty and wonder that an intimacy like that becomes.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Catherine,

I wanted to respond because I was in a somewhat similar situation just a month ago. Matt’s wisdom really helped me at the time, and then I took a trip to visit friends for 3 weeks, all the while practicing self-love and allowing myself to feel what I felt. This meant talking to myself when I felt betrayed and abandoned (it’s okay to feel this way, you’re a loving person and this relationship meant a lot to you), unloved (I love myself and can give myself the love that I’m looking for), and all the other emotions that came up through the day.

I asked for no contact, all the while thinking about an outcome that I wanted. Then I realized that my intentions were not honest and straightforward and I decided to allow myself to feel all the love that I felt for him from when we were friends and during all the good times we had together. I knew that those moments couldn’t be taken away, and that was how I wanted to remember him. I surrendered to allowing things to be as they were, even during the times that I wished we would be together again or that he would contact me.

I’m still going back and forth between wanting to get back together and realizing that it’s not something I want to do because in finding my self-love, I’ve discovered his self-hatred. The issues that he might have with being honest with himself and others, and therefore a poor choice for a partner. I got into the relationship with him 9 years ago with a lot of self-hatred (that I’ve only realized in the past few months), and had that same self-hatred when I got out of the relationship. It’s only in the past month that I’m letting go of that and learning to love and accept all of me (which includes all my feelings). With each passing day, it’s easier to see that I would like more from a partner. I try to stay honest with myself when I feel emotions and longing come up, recognizing that these patterns have been conditioned over the years, and that they will pass.

I’m still at a point where I leave the possibility of him doing the work and coming around (hope for reconciliation), but now I know that it’s the only way we can be together.

Sorry for the long disjointed message, but I’ve processed a lot over the past month and have a hard time putting that to words. Long story short, my advice would be to be honest with your intentions, love yourself, accept your feelings when they come up, and look for the good in your life every day. Instead of focusing on the lack that exists in your relationship with him, focus on the love and joy that do exist in your life.

🙂