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Closure vs. moving on?

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  • #43540
    Catherine
    Participant

    Hello Community !

    Here’s my problem: I cut all contact with my (ex) boyfriend/best friend a month ago after finding out some awful information on him and on our relationship from a common friend. I felt used and lied to and so quickly cut all contact, not even having talked to him about it (the relationship was already dying on his part as well). Now I have not had any news from him. However, I have a big at suitcase of his things in my apartment that I want to get rid of, and thereby feel the need to contact him so that we can arrange for him to get his things. I’m on the verge of contacting him and on top of asking for his stuff, I’m tempted to let him know that I know all about his lies and deceit. I feel that would give me some closure, knowing that he would know why I no longer want to keep in touch. So why is that a problem?

    A) I admit that I feel somewhat disappointed that he hasn’t reached out to me and asked me why I deleted him from my social network etc. and haven’t said a word. I was quick to delete him and I guess I expected him to ask me why, so that I could’ve explained to him that I found out some nasty truths on him. I guess it hurts that he doesn’t seem to care that we no longer talk and doesn’t want to know the real reason.
    B) I’ve been doing really well with not contacting him, not having any information on his life, not talking to his friends etc., and I’m quite proud of myself. Now I feel that if it’s me who initiates the contact, then he would think that I’m still obsessing about the relationship. It would hurt my pride and maybe take away from the process of healing from all the hurt.
    C) I’m afraid that he won’t even answer, that he won’t even come for his stuff because he doesn’t want to see me. And that would be just devastating. So I’m afraid as well.
    D) I think I have some bad motives for contacting him. He was my best friend for such a long time before the relationship that despite all the lies and deceit I find myself missing him from time to time, wanting to talk to him like we used to, wanting to be his friend again. I logically know that he’s no good, that he’s a manipulator etc., but because I miss his company so much I keep telling myself that I won’t get hurt by just talking to him from time to time. A part of me wants to contact him so that he would have the opportunity to try to get me back on some level as friends, to let him explain his actions and apologize. But I’m torn because I can’t expect him to do that.

    To give a little bit of a background, I’d like to point out that this was the second time that I’d given him another chance that meant a lot to me, because he had cheated on me the previous time and actually chose to leave me to be with other girl. He’s a person who has a lot of drama going on around him, other friends cutting all contact with him, money problems etc. But he also has many many girls buzzing around him for his charm and a character that seems loving and caring for a person who doesn’t know his history very well. So a real nice charming guy who seems to care for everybody, but also someone who gets into a lot of trouble for the crazy stunts he pulls.

    So I guess the problem turns out to be this: Do I try to get some closure by contacting him and explaining my hurt at the pretext of asking if he wants his stuff back, or do I just try to move on and keep in my that it doesn’t really matter that he couldn’t care less for why he lost me? So: closure at the risk of losing some pride and not getting the results that I hope for or no contact at the price of feeling the loneliness of losing a person who meant a lot to me?
    Any help would be much appreciated, thank you 

    #43547
    Matt
    Participant

    Catherine,

    I’m sorry for the pain and confusion, and especially that he was untrue to you. You’re quite level headed, and I applaud you for the deep self awareness you expressed in your post. Namaste! It seems to me that the reason the desire to contact him is coming up is because as you’re healing, there is a part of you that wants to feel the relationship had its true moments, that he was a true friend, that the union meant something. With the lack of contact or apology from his side, it perhaps feels like you’re holding the suitcase of memories, and are uncertain how to unpack it without the validation from his side. Perhaps if he’d hear the pain in your voice, feel the anger and respond in such and such a way, something inside you would feel relief.

    It can happen that way sometimes, where we share with our ex our hurt and get some validation and closure. Often not, however. Often it only produces more spinning, more questions. Think about it: if they were the partner we wished they’d been, it wouldn’t have turned out the way it did in the first place. Manipulative partners have a way of turning it back on us, and closure with them is usually better with a simple door closing. Perhaps you could give the suitcase to a mutual friend, and ask him or her to see it into his hands? It’d perhaps be relieving to get that stuff out of your home.

    Also, it is never really beneficial to act from pretext. We become stronger when we act from authenticity, own our desires, communicate our desires completely and honestly. Don’t let him take that from you by trying to dance to his tune. Would it really help anything? If his empathy was closed enough to cheat, do you really think it will suddenly open if you confront him? Why invite further bruising of your heart for that man?

    The relationship meant something to you, and that’s enough. You loved and committed, and that’s enough. Next time, hopefully your partner will step to the plate and join you where you are, and benefit from all of the beauty and wonder that an intimacy like that becomes.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #43564
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi Catherine

    I feel what you are going thru, I am going thru a similar situation were I want some kind of closure with my ex, but I know its pointless, it will just bring back all those memories to get in touch again, ive been no contact for 5 wks, and ive heard he has a new girlfriend, we were living together as a couple for 5yrs, sometimes I do write my feelings in my journal, it helps to read it back to myself..
    , u know when u give your all to try and make the relationship work but the other person doesn’t reciprocate, it hurts so much, U will get better with everyday that comes, as Matt said, don’t go for further bruising by getting in touch with your ex, its not worth it, Ive done it in a past relationship it didn’t do me any good, actually its like you are taking 200 steps backwards.
    Move on, at some point all this hurt will pass, I have had 3 long term relationships in the past, break ups always hurts, . but at some point you will wake up and not even think about your ex anymore. all things pass eventually. trust me on this one, Im feeling down too, but I know this feeling wont last for ever. Ive been there and I’ve emerged a stronger person and wiser too. Experience is a great teacher.

    take care

    Bernadette

    #43623
    Catherine
    Participant

    THANK YOU ! thank you for all your responses and for the support 🙂 Feels really good to hear from people that have the capability to put theirselves in my situation or actually are in my situation. It’s incredible but I already feel lighter from the past because of your lovely comments. So really, thank you !

    you’re both absolutely right of course. Even when I was writing the original message I felt I already knew what I should do, it just came to me as I was writing and your responses definitely confirm that. I have now given the bag full of his stuff to a friend who doesn’t mind storing it for me for when he comes for it or when we’ll just throw it away. It’s true that it represents all the emotional baggage that he left and I’m happy to say that I no longer hold on to it. Time to move on !

    Matt you really are a legend ! Always know the right things to say ! It is true that I have been attached to the positive sides of the relationship, not seeing the whole picture clearly. I like how you said that we should act out of authenticity, spot on ! For weeks I’ve been struggling with whether I should contact him or not, I think that’s evidence that it wouldn’t be an authentic move, otherwise I would’ve done it easily, it isn’t inspired action.

    Bernadette I’m glad you shared your experience, and you have no idea how good it is to hear from someone who’s been there that the pain does go away. And I complitely agree, this man hurt me before, and it was way worse than this time, and even then I was able to bounce back. Life goes on and we always get something better in return, nothing’s really lost 🙂

    #43657
    DeShaun
    Participant

    This post/responses really helped me. I’m in an almost identical situation and cut off all contact with my ex fiancé. Sometimes you just have to let go and push forward. In the meantime take what you’ve learned from the situation and use it to become a better person. It’s funny how we know what we need to do but are hesitant to follow through with it. We usually end up having to confront the issue in the worst way, much worse than if he had listened to our inner voice in the first place. Better is coming 🙂

    #43667
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Catherine,

    I wanted to respond because I was in a somewhat similar situation just a month ago. Matt’s wisdom really helped me at the time, and then I took a trip to visit friends for 3 weeks, all the while practicing self-love and allowing myself to feel what I felt. This meant talking to myself when I felt betrayed and abandoned (it’s okay to feel this way, you’re a loving person and this relationship meant a lot to you), unloved (I love myself and can give myself the love that I’m looking for), and all the other emotions that came up through the day.

    I asked for no contact, all the while thinking about an outcome that I wanted. Then I realized that my intentions were not honest and straightforward and I decided to allow myself to feel all the love that I felt for him from when we were friends and during all the good times we had together. I knew that those moments couldn’t be taken away, and that was how I wanted to remember him. I surrendered to allowing things to be as they were, even during the times that I wished we would be together again or that he would contact me.

    I’m still going back and forth between wanting to get back together and realizing that it’s not something I want to do because in finding my self-love, I’ve discovered his self-hatred. The issues that he might have with being honest with himself and others, and therefore a poor choice for a partner. I got into the relationship with him 9 years ago with a lot of self-hatred (that I’ve only realized in the past few months), and had that same self-hatred when I got out of the relationship. It’s only in the past month that I’m letting go of that and learning to love and accept all of me (which includes all my feelings). With each passing day, it’s easier to see that I would like more from a partner. I try to stay honest with myself when I feel emotions and longing come up, recognizing that these patterns have been conditioned over the years, and that they will pass.

    I’m still at a point where I leave the possibility of him doing the work and coming around (hope for reconciliation), but now I know that it’s the only way we can be together.

    Sorry for the long disjointed message, but I’ve processed a lot over the past month and have a hard time putting that to words. Long story short, my advice would be to be honest with your intentions, love yourself, accept your feelings when they come up, and look for the good in your life every day. Instead of focusing on the lack that exists in your relationship with him, focus on the love and joy that do exist in your life.

    🙂

    #43668
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Oh, also I wanted to echo what Matt said about sharing hurt with our ex…

    It’s all I wanted to do for weeks. At first I held it in. Then I started doing Metta and allowing my heart to speak to his – where I knew his true being is. This felt a little better. Then I send him a short message letting him know how I felt, without feeling fear for his response (or non-response). I only allowed myself to do that when I knew that I was doing it from a pure place in my heart that wasn’t expecting anything in return.

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