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Coming to terms with my situation

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  • #35598
    louise
    Participant

    I am 24 years old girl and have never experienced a sexual relationship. I am quite unconfident and struggled with some emotional problems related to a eating disorder in my teens. I got better and went to university, not really that considered about my situation would be a problem if I ever where to meet someone. However since graduating I have felt things have changed around me ,whereby my friends have more casual sex and are open about sex lives more, I feel even more behind and embarrassed by my situation. I have seen a few guys for a couple of weeks but nothing that lasted passed a few dates or kissing on a nights out and I found that most of the time I was the one being rejected. I’m in the situation now where I feel like my only option to change my situation would to be by having a one night stand, which isn’t something I wanted for my self, but if I keep waiting for someone i’m attracted to I could end up in my 30/40’s in the same situation which is my worst fear. I have come very self conscious about my situation, and think if some one knew they wouldn’t bother pursing me or that they would prefer my more sexually confident friends. I’m told that the right person wouldn’t mind, but I don’t think a person who is in the mid 20’s could be thought of badly because they wouldn’t want to be with some one inexperienced as they have already had their awkward clumsy moments in their teens. I have tried to tell myself its ok, but find my self quite panicked when I am reminded of my situation. I’ve tried to find calm in the fact that I might spend my live without any experience or having any sort of relationship, but I find my mind drifts back still. How can I come to terms with this?

    #35599
    Jade
    Participant

    Hi Louise! I wouldn’t worry too much about not having oodles of sexual experience; I was in the exact same boat as you at 24, which is when I finally started dating. And I went on a lot of dates that didn’t go anywhere for years. It wasn’t until I was 28 that I started dating someone that I actually wanted to sleep with. Now I’m 33 and my current boyfriend is the same age as me and we have about the same amount of sexual experience (1-2 previous partners) and things are great between us. Contrary to what we’re led to believe, there are a lot of men out there who are just as inexperienced as we are.

    Think of it as a test. If you eventually tell a guy you’re dating that you’re not all that sexually experienced, how they react tells you whether they’re worth pursuing to begin with. Any man who makes a big stink about it or makes you feel weird/abnormal isn’t worth your time! The right man will be supportive and accepting, regardless of how much experience he has. 🙂

    #35611
    samir saha
    Participant

    HI Lousie!whenever you are going for date these days “Sex” is thought running all the time in your back head. That also is overpowered by negativity. You need to get rid of these negativity first. Next time when you go out for a date, focus on having real conversation rather than your imagination wondering somewhere else in the world of failure. Live in present , be yourself and get rid of failure fears. Your fear is generating negativity in your actions which is making you repulsive. Try to know the person you next meet, give time ,let the chemistry build up..sex will automatically find its way. Good Luck 🙂

    First time is very special don’t spoil it up sleeping with some jerk heartlessly. Good Luck 🙂

    #35667
    Peter
    Participant

    I think you’re making amazing head way already in that you acknowledge the fact that you’re mind is playing tricks on you by drifting back. It’s actually lying to you and repeating a story like a broken record. Acknowledge it for what it is, just a story. I find giving it a title helps.

    Did you ever watch the show Friends? All their episode titles start with “The One…” So yours could be, “The One where my mind is telling me I’m not good enough to be in a meaningful and healthy sexual relationship.”

    I personally have sat down and written down all the titles of all the stories that my mind has made up over the years and I’ve found it to be a very liberating exercise. Once you recognize that your mind plays tricks on you, you don’t have always believe it. Is this a story that’s helping you move towards positive action? Or is it a story that’s causing anxiety, fear, and holding you back?

    If it’s the latter, but a label on it, “LIE!” Laugh it! Yell at it! Tell it that you’re not going to let it hold you back anymore! This voice that’s inside your head telling you these awful things is not the real you. It’s the voice of parents, friends, and other relationships. It’s even the hypersexualized media that sets ridiculously unrealistic standards of living that no one could ever live up to.

    Just by recognizing your thoughts as something that’s holding you back, you’re already on the right track! 🙂

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