I have quite the dilemma.

I’ve been dating a girl for about 4 months now, let’s call her Alex. We’re long distance (We’re from bordering states but I’m currently on a gap year overseas) and are both 18. So far everything has been going well- we share interests and values, she’s loving and kind and makes me laugh.

However, she’s joining the military and in less than a month she’ll be off at basic training. At basic she’ll be choosing what military base she’ll be at for the next four years. She talks constantly about wanting to live out west, but she’s made it very clear she wants to choose a base on the east coast so she’ll be closer to me. That really freaks me out. That base will be about half an hour away from my home, but five hours away from my college so we’ll still be long distance. I don’t want her determining the next four years of her life based on me. I keep telling her to go to where she’ll be happiest regardless of me and that if we’re meant to be it’ll all work out. Despite me repeatedly telling her I want her to make her own decision, she insists on being near me and thinks like I’m pushing her away whenever I tell her to chose a base because of what will make her happy, not because of where I am. I’m terrified that we’ll break up for some unforeseen reason and that I’ll be responsible that she’s stuck in a place she only chose because of me. I feel like her choosing a base solely on where I am is essentially a commitment to keep dating her for the next four years. I love her and I want to continue dating, but I’m in no way ready for that level of commitment. I think that these next few years of my life, especially once I start college next year, are really important and formative and I don’t want to be tied down to someone to that degree.

Whenever we talk about this she immediately goes on the defensive and accuses me of playing with her feelings, despite me just repeatedly telling her to make her own decision. I feel so trapped and at this point I feel like I have two options: let her chose the base near me and risk feeling tied down and/or guilty if we do end up breaking up, or just break up with her now even though I really like our relationship.

The cherry on top of this all is that usually I go to my mom for advice on situations like this, but I never even told her about Alex. I was worried about what she would think about me being in a long-distance relationship, especially since I get very emotional about relationships and I’m already in a very emotionally stressful situation for the duration of my gap year. I feel like I’ve been lying to her and I can’t go to her for support.

This whole situation seems so crazy to me, and if I were a hair more reasonable I would go ahead and end things because the chances of this working out seem so slim and I’m worried by Alex’s over/early-commitment and inability to calmly discuss something we’re disagreeing on. But I like her and I don’t want to have to end things. But because of her choosing her base within the month, I feel like I’ve got to make a major decision NOW. Any advice for this mess I’ve gotten myself into?

• This topic was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Dana.