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Compassion for ex

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  • February 23, 2016 at 7:16 pm #96979
    Mandy
    Participant

    A few months ago, my boyfriend of a few months ended it after I asked him to if he saw no future in the relationship. There were issues related to his anxiety problem and I think overall it was too stressful for him being a relationship with me. It was quite exhausting for me too and when it ended I actually felt relieved. We had had quite a few differences of opinion too. I thought it was good of him to be honest and not string me along, and after about a month I started meeting up with him again as a friend. He then suggested one day we could be “friends with benefits”, which I declined, but then more recently we started spending more and more time together and gettin on better and it felt like we were almost dating again. So, one evening, we spent a lovely evening going for a meal, a walk along the beach, then back to his for movie, and I decided to make a move, without discussing anything with him beforehand. I must admit I was feeling lonely and didn’t want to think about what it would mean, I just wanted to feel close to him again.

    However, the next morning unsurprisingly, he explained that for him he didn’t want to pursue a relationship with me and wanted to still be able to look for someone else. I was hurt, although I think really I expected it. Friends say he was trying to intentionally lead me on, but I am doubtful he would be that clever. He has very few friends and not a lot of experience in the romance department, so I think he also enjoyed still being able to open up to me and have me there as a support when his anxiety was getting a bit too much.

    I would like to ask your opinion about whether I should, after a week or so, restart my friendship with him. I feel a bit hurt now, and, after the second time, I would like to think I won’t develop feelings for him again and perhaps we can set clearer boundaries this time. I am concerned about him as he has been cutting friends off recently, all of which is to do with his own issues, and I don’t want to cut off my friendship when he has told me I am the only person he feels he can call on. I wasn’t in love with him, and I think I also used him a little bit when I was lonely, but would it be too easy to fall back into old habits?

    February 23, 2016 at 7:39 pm #96981
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mandy:

    I think it would be tough to have a friendship (without benefits) with him following your history with him.

    I hope you can have soon enough a boyfriend that you really like and one you think highly of. I get the impression you didn’t like this young man too much or didn’t think highly of him. Am I correct?

    anita

    February 24, 2016 at 12:00 am #97028
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Mandy,

    Nothing wrong with wanting to restart a friendship with someone you care about, that is a beautiful thing to do. Setting clearer boundaries with him, I’m sure he will be accepting of that, since he cares about you already. I’m sure him cutting a few of his friends off is nothing personal with you, as he is probably doing that as a healthy way for him to have good influences in his life. I’m sure he will discuss more in detail as to why he has made decisions to end certain friendships he had. Stay communicative with him and have talks face to face, as it appears he values the friendship/relationship with you very much. So my answer is YES! Go for it 🙂

    Sending love, positivity and light your way.

    M.

    February 24, 2016 at 2:10 am #97033
    Matty
    Participant

    Hi Mandy,

    I would like to ask your opinion about whether I should, after a week or so, restart my friendship with him.

    I watched my brother break up with his girlfriend and then become friends with benefits later on. It messed with him, mentally. He struggles to separate his original feelings for her and these new feelings. Now that he wasn’t in a relationship he felt that they were starting a new, a new chapter if you will. But they weren’t, they still had the same feelings for one another, but because they weren’t ‘in a relationship’ somehow they thought they were immune to one another, and would never fall in love again. All they were doing was continuing down the same road. When they were together like any relationship they had their ups and downs. And when you become close again after breaking up, you naturally only recall the good times, which will give you a warped perspective on the past and your relationship. I don’t care what people say, being a friend with benefits makes you as emotional invested in another as someone in a committed relationship. Maybe it will be different with you two, my brother’s first time relationship ended badly, your’s seems more amicable. As ElleTinker700 stated, making boundaries or at least making internal limitations to yourself about your friendship is a good start if you want to pursue a ‘friendship’.

    I don’t want to cut off my friendship when he has told me I am the only person he feels he can call on

    Is it your fault he is lonely? It seems to me that you are feeling guilty for your ex’s decisions and of course you shouldn’t be. Your not the one pushing people away, he is. Being a compassionate friend is one thing, but once again you need to define to yourself what that entails. Being in love and being friends are not binaries, although they are commonly seen as such. Now that you know you aren’t in love with him, what do you actually like about him as a friend? As a friend, what is their on offer? Generally, we form bonds with others because they are in essence mutual engagements. Are you both friends because you want to or because you feel you have to?

    would it be too easy to fall back into old habits

    Only you can answer this one. Based on your experiences and past, have you had habits that you broke (for whatever reason) and then went back on? Ultimately, do you trust yourself? Because you cannot erase the feelings you once had, they will always be there.

    I hope this helped a little,
    Sincerely,
    Matty

    February 29, 2016 at 11:37 am #97638
    Mandy
    Participant

    Thanks for your replies everyone, they were all very interesting perspectives. I agree especially with the fact that friendship and being in love are not binaries… I know I will always care about him and it is for that reason that I’ve decided I will not cut ties with him. It’s not what I believe in and I don’t think it would be the compassionate thing to do or make myself feel good. If it happens naturally over time, so be it. What I am going to do is set boundaries and open up more to my other friends, the problem is that I feel like he knows me so well and I feel more able to talk to him than other people at the moment but I can change that.

    I know only too well by know that the only regrets I have are not keeping in touch with old friends and exes, not the other way round… I met someone the other day who told me the best friend she has is her ex-husband (aside from her current one, I presume!)…and he lives across the pond! I think that’s so great and I want to avoid cutting anyone I’ve cared about out of my life. I feel I have lost too many along the way! Thanks again!

    February 29, 2016 at 11:55 am #97642
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Mandy!
    anita

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