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Complete loss

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  • February 28, 2017 at 4:19 am #131625
    Luli
    Participant

    I am at complete loss because of my thoughts and unanswered questions regarding my relationship.

    Briefly, I have been friends with my boyfriend for 4 years. I fell for him silently since we ever met. When I gave signs that I like him, he preferred to be just friends. Now, it has been 9 months since we got really close to each other. We always talk, see each other, do activities together. We truly share our lives. We got really close, we are almost couples! But, he is in and out, all the time. I expressed my love for him, shared my feelings, but he never says anything back, he just listens silently or give me a tender look.

    When I opened up asking where do I stand, he said he has a barrier inside that he is working on it so he can feel the same. It’s tiring not to know where I stand. I don’t know what to do. I have intense feelings towards him, he knows, but he does nothing. It hurts a lot.

    Also, sometimes he ignores me, completely. For example, when he travels, we talk, he sends pictures of the places he visits, we share our days as usual. But, this time, he ignores me, he doesn’t talk, and when I brought it up, he said “calm down and be fine”! If I didn’t show up saying “How are you?” or whatever, he does not!

    Now and then, I feel as I am negotiating my existence in his life. It is hard for me to step back because I truly love him and we enjoy each other’s company, so I always take the initiatives and keep looking for solutions, but it is sad when solved issues comes to the surface again.

    He is caring and loving, words will never be enough to describe him. I just don’t know how to maintain a good relationship? How should I react when he decides like ignoring me?

    Thanks for your time reading this. & Thanks in advance for your thoughtful answers and opinions.

    February 28, 2017 at 4:46 am #131627
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi luli,

    You are not so much a girlfriend as you are an admirer or a groupie. The good news? You get to spend time with him. The bad news? He’s not an active president of YOUR fan club. I think he likes and appreciates all the attention. But at some point you have to drop the rope and see if he picks it up. He might not! But you’ll have to be OK with that.

    Best,

    Inky

    February 28, 2017 at 5:05 am #131629
    Luli
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thanks for your reply.

    What do you mean that I am not so much a girlfriend? Is that because he did not say “I love you too”?

    I am not just an admirer, I am a lover! 🙁

    WE share what we don’t share with anyone else. He says that I am the closest to him and he does not like it when I am sad, but he sometimes does what he upsets me.

    I am afraid to drop the rope. I cannot stop loving him, I never did, I kept him in my heart safely and when we got closer, it’s like a locked gate in my heart suddenly opened. What if he did not pick it up?

    Thanks again for discussing the topic.

    February 28, 2017 at 6:45 am #131645
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi again!

    OK, after re-reading everything I should edit: You are more of an admirer than his GF.

    If he says “I love you too”, great! But even if he did and there was nothing in his eyes or behavior to back up the confession, you might be writing a similar post.

    What if you stopped negotiating your existence in his life totally? What I would do is sit with the uncomfortable feeling instead of going back and making everything all right again. So let’s say he ignores you. Fine, go about your day. He doesn’t say “How are you?” His loss! Let HIM carry the conversation, do the work and sit with the uncomfortable silences for a while. He will either go on with his life, thus freeing you. Or he will take some ownership in the relationship that you have been carrying for the both of you.

    Inky

    February 28, 2017 at 7:01 am #131657
    Luli
    Participant

    Hi again,

    It shows in his eyes and behaviour, and when I asked him to take a break so he would know what he really wants, he refused such break totally! Though, he acts differently sometimes that I feel I am stuck in between.

    When he ignores me and we talk about it, he does not anymore, but because I brought it up, so it’s out of a request.

    What if I discussed the whole thing, the whole relationship, with him, even if the outcome will hurt, but at least everything will be crystal clear, would it be right thing to do? or should I wait and see?!

    Thanks a lot again.

    Luli

    February 28, 2017 at 9:12 am #131691
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Luli:

    Reads to me that he likes you, that he enjoys your company, that he wants the relationship with you to continue as it is. And you like him more intensely than he likes you. You want a closer relationship than the one you have. You are more emotionally attached to him than he is to you.

    In relationships, most often, the two parties are not equally as attached to each other. If the difference in attachment is too big, that is a problem. The difference here is a problem for you.

    What to do? There is nothing you can do. You can’t make him like you more intensely. You can’t make him want a closer relationship with you. The more you try, the more you talk to him about wanting more, the less likely you are to succeed.

    I suggest that in your heart, if you agree with my understanding, that you accept this reality. As sad as it is, for you. Stop hoping for MORE. Wanting more will not get you more. If more does happen it will not happen because you want more, or try for more. It will happen unrelated to your want and effort.

    If you stop wanting and trying, it may give him the space to form a stronger attachment to him. Maybe.

    anita

    February 28, 2017 at 12:34 pm #131749
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi luli,

    It sounds like he’s on emotional autopilot. Sure, you can discuss it all with him, but you can’t make someone feel something that’s not there. Even if he agrees to be more engaging, after a while he will go back to autopilot. We all do.

    “Absence make the heart grow fonder”… What if you do back off and take an emotional vacation of sorts, from him?

    See if he follows you or courts you. What a strange word “court”, but that’s what men did in the old days.

    You don’t even have to tell him you’re doing it! Let him court you or wait for someone who will.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    April 2, 2017 at 3:05 am #143329
    Luli
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Inky,

    Thank you for your answers and helpful advice.

    I agree with what you said. That’s what I am doing right now, not trying or wanting for more.

    Inky; this is actually what I did, I backed off, but he did not allow me to do that, he kept inviting me out and doing things together, he said that he wants me to be happy and he would do anything to let it be and that he does not want me to be away.

    However, I still feel like pulling away myself for a while. To back off. Because I am very tired and exhausted. I want to be fine on my own again.

    Thanks again,

    Luli

    April 2, 2017 at 8:15 pm #143429
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Luli. I hope you get the clarity you need about this relationship and do what is best for you!

    anita

    April 4, 2017 at 4:01 am #143565
    Luli
    Participant

    I hope the same! 🙂

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