November 15, 2018 at 8:39 pm #237071JohnParticipant
I don’t know what to think now. How she was acting today made me furious. Here I am, mourning the loss of my 15 year marriage, and she is dancing around the house and singing along to music like she’s having the best day she ever had. When I called her on it, she claimed she was “just putting on a brave face for the kids”, who weren’t even there at the time. She swears up and down that there is no one else, but I know her. She has this need to have a man in her life. The last two times she claimed she was going to bail, she tried to hook up with other men and it fell apart, so she ran back to me. Which now that I think about it in that light makes me even more furious. Did I really mean that little to her? Was 15 years of marriage nothing? She claims that she wants out because she thinks we will just end up back here again and at that point, I understand her fear that we might hate one another.
I am struggling with my pride right now. Part of me wants to tell her she is wrong. That I honestly never tried before. That I always thought she was just blowing things out of proportion and that she would get over it at some point. I understand how that makes me sound, and how that is likely to make her feel, but it is the truth. And it’s why I know now that I am willing to work on this. I have always been one for procrastination. Always. Last second fixes are my specialty. The other part of me says that sounds an awful lot like begging her to love me again, and I absolutely refuse to do that. I wish she would see. This isn’t the same. And I get why she feels like it won’t change because I haven’t in the past. I don’t get it. She always told me she was the type of person who would work at this if it got hard. That she wouldn’t just give up. It’s a large part of why I chose to marry her, because I knew both of our family’s history with marriages, and I didn’t want someone who was going to tuck tail and run for the hills when the going got tough. And yet here she is. Surrendering at the first sight of difficulty. Just like her sisters. Just like her mother. I should have known better, and that is what is really making me angry.
I don’t know. She just seems way too cheery for someone who is supposedly “numb” to it all right now. And no, I have no plans to sleep with her any longer. I will not allow her to use that to string me along until she finds someone else. She wants to feel what it’s like to be single with 4 kids? I can oblige. It’s time to turn the screws a bit. Let reality sink in. I’m guessing the numbness wears off real fast and turns to anger. And at least I can work with that. I am just venting. I would never be that vindictive and petty, although I would love to be since she seems to think that the way to handle this is to outright avoid me and when we are around each other, act like it’s the best day of her life.
I think you are right, though. I think she fell in love with the man she thought she could mold me into, ignoring what I actually was. In looking back and taking stock of what changed, outside of the normal things that change in a 15 year marriage, not a whole lot else has. I am essentially the same man she married, but just older and with less ego because I let that go when I married her. That is the other thing that drives me crazy, she has unilaterally made all of these decisions. I was not allowed to state my case, not allowed to rebut her flawed fear based on faulty information. Imagine if you took only 6 words from this entire post, at random, and then made a decision for both of us. That’s what it feels like has happened here. You can’t just insist it’s not gonna be different on your own. It seems so petty and childish. I would have never made this decision without including her in it.
I don’t know. I am hurt. And depressed. And fighting against dark thoughts. I’ll win, I always do. But I fear it is my body, not my mind, that is what is going to give out this time. At my therapy appointment today, my blood pressure was 161/112, which is stage 2 hypertension and just shy of heart attack land. I am not overweight, not sedentary, so that is likely mostly from the stress of all of this. I am attempting to keep calm, take my trace element oil and magnesium lotion, and pop my lithium to keep me evened off.
I have to stop hoping for a miracle. I have to start dealing with reality. This is over. And dwelling on it is not going to fix it.November 16, 2018 at 7:15 am #237973anitaParticipant
I re-read all your posts on your thread as well as your replies to other threads since Nov 8.
You wrote early on here that you are a fighter. I believe that your fighting aim should be at this point (and always) surviving first. After all this is the aim of every living thing on the face of this earth, from unicellular organisms to plants to humans. This is my aim this very day, to survive today and make it to tomorrow.
You are currently angry, have been angry for a long time, more at some times, less at other times, and more so lately, and understandably more so lately. If it takes you moving out of your home and staying elsewhere so to not get reagitated as you listen to your wife singing or otherwise, do so.
Mood stabilizing psychiatric drugs may be the thing for you to do in this quest of surviving. It is definitely time to numb yourself. It is not the time to get further in touch with all those emotions that have been brewing in you for decades. Numb them now and for the foreseeable future.
Focus on fighting for your survival and abandon fighting for this marriage. Fighting for this marriage will continue to bring you unfavorable results. Placating your wife, trying to win her approval as good enough, you’ve been doing this for too long and clearly it didn’t work. Talking with her- you’ve been doing that as well. From reading your many posts I can see that you are quite aware and well read on issues of mental health and communication and you have been quite aware for a long time. Time to abandon this fight. It is out of your hands.
It is my understanding that the fault for this troubled marriage that might be ended soon is yours and hers, hers no less than yours. Because it is not all your fault, there isn’t one thing or two that you can do different now that will save the marriage. It’s been a two way street ongoing contributions to the state of trouble this marriage is in, for too long. A quick solution is not possible.
You wrote in a reply Nov 8 regarding your tech degree: “We are told while getting our degrees that the sky is the limit and we can write our own ticket, and then reality sets in”. Let the reality 0f your marriage set in. Your marriage is likely to end soon. Maybe not, but it is out of your hands, there is nothing you can do. If you die, your marriage will surely end.
Give up the fight for your marriage; fight for your life instead.
anitaNovember 16, 2018 at 9:46 pm #238123JohnParticipant
I have chosen to end the fight. It is clear I can no longer control the fight. She thinks she has made this decision (I highly doubt it, but whatever) and while I do not respect it at all considering this was a determination made by a single person in a partnership, I will allow her to have her space. I intend to continue on my personal journey. Part of me is nearly certain that as I endure and don’t fall apart, and start to grow away from her, she will come running back. I honestly believe she thinks I am going to sit around like a mopey dog and wait for her to come back. I am not. Not this time. And to be honest, at this point, considering the cruelty of pulling me back in close just to dash my hopes again, I am not certain I will take her back if this happens. I saw a side of my wife tonight that makes me wonder how I could have ever fallen in love with her. There are certain things on a list that if I see them, you are disqualified immediately from any chance with me, and one of which is cruel pettiness. And she showed it big time tonight. I wanted to speak to her. To make my “Alamo last stand” as it were. And not only did she not come home, she swept our kids up from walking home from school and kept them from me all night until I finally had to go to work.
I am not a vindictive person, but when forced to it, there are no half measures from me. I go scorched Earth. Part of me gleefully revels and letting that demon out of its cage to teach her a lesson after tonight. The other part of me is so sad that she ever has to see that side of me. But it seems like she is now attempting to force me to let go by treating me like shit. And if that is the case, I am so tired and defeated at this point that I am afraid I will lash out in the worst possible ways.
I am hoping this was just a bad night. That she was suddenly coming to terms with the end and realizing that it actually hurts and isn’t something to celebrate. That the reality of her decision is starting to dawn on her. I am not expecting some epiphany where she suddenly falls back in love, but if this is the mode she chooses to use while communicating now, before any of the painful and hard stuff starts, I fear for the feelings and mental well being of my children as mom and dad get into this knock down, drag out pit fight. I only have so many cheeks to turn, and I grow tired of being treated so poorly by someone I still love so much. But I suppose that is the point. I suppose that the entire meaning behind this is to make me leave. But I have bad news for her. I am not going anywhere. I am not abusive mentally or physically. I am not an addict. I am not a threat to her or my kids in any way. So she has no right to run me out of my own home.
I think I am going to ask my wife to sort of swap some stuff around in the house to make this tolerable. Maybe have my son move in with me in our master suite and have her move into his room. I can’t keep sleeping next to her like this is all normal. I want her to feel that cold, empty spot in bed next to her. I want her to feel the distance growing between us. I want her to understand this is different this time, not just in how I changed and want to make it work for real this time, but that I will not be the lapdog waiting for her.November 17, 2018 at 5:13 am #238139anitaParticipant
You are very angry. I don’t trust people to think sensibly when intensely angry. Anger and sensible, logical thinking don’t go together. I don’t know what she is thinking and I don’t think you know either. I don’t trust your ability at this time to correctly evaluate people and situations.
What is clear to me is that the well being of your four young children must come first. They must not witness anger, raised voices, verbal abuse, and even that tension that can be so thick although invisible. Whatever it takes to protect them, do that. I think that separating from your wife immediately is an excellent idea. Because she is the mother of four children, let her stay with them in the house and move out somewhere else as soon as possible, today or tomorrow.
Pack some things and move out. See a psychiatrist and take the medications you need to numb that anger, to be able to go to work and function well enough. See your children outside their house, not with their mother, just you and the kids.
Any conversations with her should also be outside the house while your children are in school or with a babysitter, sit with her in a public place like a coffee shop and talk.
Please pack a few things, get a hotel room, a short term bachelor apartment maybe. You are simply too angry to stay in the house.