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Confessing past lies?

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  • #154814
    Julie
    Participant

    I met my now boyfriend 2 years ago at a party. At the time, I didn’t want anything serious and never thought 1.5 years later we could be in a serious relationship about to live in an apartment together while we both finish school. However lately I’ve been having more guilt about past lies I’ve told.

    My entire childhood I never really had friends so I would make up lies about my life to make myself seem “cooler” to all the kids on the playground. The main one that bothers me is one drunk night when we weren’t dating I told him that my best friend from high school had died the previous year. What actually happened was that we were extremely close and one day she vanished. Everything was fine and one night she didn’t answer a text. Then she didn’t answer the phone, snapchats, anything. I never heard from her again. It went from everything being perfect and normal to her just being gone. It did feel like she had died, because one day she was there and the next she was gone. I was depressed for awhile after that, grieving our lost friendship and the bond that we had had for so many years. I don’t know why I ever told him that, probably because I never really saw him sticking around but now here we are.

    Basically now he’s grown to be my best friend who I tell everything to, but it eats me up that I ever told him that. Part of me wants to confess but its been so long that I feel like if I did he would never be able to trust anything else I’ve told him. I haven’t lied in so long that I don’t want to lose him or his trust. I don’t know if this is one of those cases where it’s better to just not tell the truth and keep on the path of being truthful and honest and stopping the lying or risk our relationship just to clear my conscious.

    #154826
    Craig
    Participant

    Wow, Julie, I think this is great stuff to be thinking through.

    You say this guy has grown to be your best friend who you tell everything to. That sounds like something worth nurturing.

    If you want a deeply honest relationship, I think that means being on a path where you (and he) don’t harbor secrets from one another. You are agonizing over this issue, enough to write in to this website. I hear how much this is bothering you. I doubt you can have a truly honest relationship with someone, if you’re “honest” about some things, but not about others.

    If you decide to share this with him, then there’s the question of how to go about it. It might be wise first to get very clear why you lied, why you lied to him, why you’re now telling him about the lie, and what you’re doing (and have done) to get rid of lying from your relationship (like telling him about this secret).

    Your thoughts?

    Craig

    #154838
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Julie,

    It sounds like you have a great relationship, and trust with this man. My concern, is how would you tell him, and do you really feel you need to tell him about something that happened so long ago? You actually were in a fact grieving for this friend, and you did the best you knew at the time. I don’t really think this is a *huge* lie, because he did not know your friend.

    Also, he May feel awkward and not know what to say it do if you do tell him. He may think “should I tell her “I’m sorry your friend lost contact” with you” he May feel in an very awkward position and not know what to say or do. However, it is your decision, and if you are feeling this anxious, then it may ease your mind to tell him, but just be prepared for some possible awkwardness on his part. Keep us posted.

    #154854
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Julie:

    I would like to address the question in the title of your thread, but first: do you have any idea why your friend vanished, did you try to find out, go to her home, talk to mutual friends…?

    anita

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