Hello geekgrrl70,

You do seem to be hitting an emotional dilemma. I think you are trying to leverage something that cannot be actually measured. You are measuring and comparing two ‘what if’ scenarios. The problem with this is that the future is not some mathematically equation with a neat little number at the end. Yes you could live your life the way you want to, this is not selfish, it’s your life. Your partner is also living her life the way she wants to, so by this definition she is also being selfish. It all seems complicated, doesn’t it? What happens if you do break up, how will the kids react? They have already been shifted from one place to another. How will your partner feel? you most likely will feel guilty and feel that you have lost a friend that you can pour heart out to.

Anita raises a good question, why not start to do things separately? My aunty has been married for 45+ years now, she does everything she wants to do by herself, and my uncle does likewise. It actually makes them happier, because at the end of the day they still have each other plus richer experiences. I think the contrast with your situation is that you are growing, whilst your partner has decided that she has reached her potential. And that is her prerogative. If you decide to travel, learn more about yourself and improving then your partner might ‘catch the bug’ too. If you both value each others happiness then sacrifices can be made, as long as you know they aren’t going to be in vain.

If you are fighting, once again as Anita pointed out, this isn’t great for the kids. They already been a part of one relationship and most likely seen it, now they are going through it again. THis may impact and influence how the perceive relationships and love.

If you have no common interests with one another, besides being a person you speak to and who understands you, what do you love about her? What makes you look at her that way? what makes your heart flutter when she walks into a room? It’s okay to have divergent interests, as long as you both have similar morals, values and beliefs then i can understand that. My mother and father have nothing in common in way of physical interests (mum = gardener, dad = economics), but both love each other because of the experiences they have shared, the children they have raised and the beliefs that they share. I think it comes down to what you see as a deal breaker in this regard.

I just don’t want to do something I’ll regret later.

This goes 360 back to the notion that you are dealing with a lot of ‘what ifs’. You are deterred by the fact that you won’t find happiness, love and a relationship ever again. Have some faith and confidence in yourself. Believe that you are good enough, and that if others can’t see you as you see yourself then that’s their fault, not your own. If you are having these thoughts, your partner must as well. Maybe share a talk with one another, ask some questions. Be realistic about the direction of the relationship. Tell her how you feel. I think because you have a pattern, when things are bad i want to leave, but then they get better and i can see myself with her forever. This pattern is a distraction, it is providing stability, it is in a sense the structure of your relationship. Of course a relationship isn’t meant to be smooth sailing, but it isn’t meant to be hard work, after all you don’t get paid! 😉

You can continue to sacrifice your position if you love her that much. But you will end up regretting the you didn’t do more when you had the chance. If you go travelling, your doing it because it’s what you want to do, it’s not because you don’t love her. If you go outdoors and live in your own moment, it’s not because you don’t love her, it’s because you wish to discover something new. Both love and self discovery can work together, but it may be that you do such things end up feeling a sense of loneliness, but you are not alone.

I hope this helps, if you have questions or comments, please feel free to post again,
Sincerely,
Matty

Dear geekgrrl70:

You asked: “At what point do you decide that radical acceptance isn’t the answer because where you are headed just isn’t where you want to go?” My answer is Anytime. You wrote such positive things about your partner that I thought it might be worthwhile for you to (continue to) practice radical acceptance of her. It seemed to me that her lack of desire to travel, for example, was minor in comparison to her being loving and decent.

In your last post you wrote something more important, in my view, about her that is a problem and that is her lack of affection for you on an ongoing basis. That is a problem because her not being into traveling, well you can travel alone. But if you travel alone, the payoff is that when you come home from a travel, you come home to an affectionate partner-

If that is not the case, then it is more serious, the problem in the relationship, that is.

anita