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    Tiny Butterfly

    Hey everyone,

    I’m looking for some advice as to my 5 year relationship. On Sunday my partner and I got into a heated argument where he got so angry that he wanted me to leave the house and did so by grabbing me and repeatedly pushing me out of the house. I refused to leave and slapped him to get him off me and out of my face. I felt so ashamed as everyone heard me screaming for him to leave me alone but I felt no one came to see if I was ok. Afterwards I told him I couldn’t forgive him because I was just so shocked and ashamed of both my actions and his. We spoke in depth for a long time after we had both calmed down and he suggested we go to couples counselling for our issues. I’ve followed this up and we’re currently on a short waiting list but I’m still so conflicted inside and I don’t know if I can forget or forgive what either of us did. Watching him cry afterwards I could see he felt awful as did I but as we live together still I’m seeing him everyday and i feel ok one minute, then the next disgusted with him. I don’t know if feeling like this is normal? I don’t know if counselling will help us both? Or if this will get easier or better over time? I hate feeling this way so much as he’s apologised and wants to make things right, as do I but I get these moment of disgust and anger at him and myself at what we’re becoming.

    Sorry if this is a little all over the place.


    Dear Tiny Butterfly:

    Good to read from you again. I re-read your posts since 2014. This is my understanding, at this point: there has been lots of anxiety and aggression in your home of origin, family members turning against each other, covertly and overtly: a brother, an aunt, a mother (by not stopping the aunt from bad mouthing you and telling you about what the aunt said, passing on to you her message that you are not doing enough for your mother). And your father had an affair and left. This ongoing history of aggression has been your normal, and so, I don’t know if you are aware of the extent of your aggression.

    Your history with your ex boyfriend and your history of five years with the current one have also been filled with aggression. He is not the aggressive party while you are the passive one. The aggression is mutual and each one of you has been promoting it.

    I do hope couple counseling will help the two of you to remove the aggression from your very turbulent five year relationship. I also hope that you limit your contact and involvement with family members that promote your aggression.

    Your anxiety and aggression have been co-existing for a long time. Perhaps individual, quality therapy can help you, outside the couple therapy.



    Hi Tiny Butterfly,

    I suggest you move out and into a place all your own. This wouldn’t be done out of anger. This would be done because when you do see each other you want it to be peaceful and special. Also, him seeing you go back to your own place in happiness after a dinner or a night will help him respect you more (and you him!). You are an independent woman, a free agent. Not someone who hangs around getting into fights.



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