Hello, I’m sorry if this is too long I’ll try to compress but I feel like detail will help people understand my POV. First of all I hope everyone is healthy and safe, and that for me this platform has helped me stay safe and healthy so if anyone reading this is hesitant, I can vouch and say this has definitely helped me through this weird time.

Last night I had a major anxiety attack and was just feeling like I really needed to let my anger out so this is where I find myself tonight.

I’m a senior in HS. I have suffered with this for a long time and I’m really not sure what to think or do at this point, or even if I should do anything.

So it all started in 8th grade I was in this friend group some drama went down, most of us went to the same HS, but eventually we split in 9th grade. The guys in that friend group are on the same team as me. So we kind kept in touch Bc of that. So one of the guys I kinda liked in 8th I talked to but we kinda drifted over summer. Middle of 9th grade we reconnected and I honestly told him a lot of private things about my family and we just had the best conversations together. I’m not sure why but in person we just never spoke. So I’m not sure how it started but it feels like it was out of no where, he started to just slap my a*s in the hallway, in front of people and I just never said anything. I might’ve joked about it on text but I’m the moments that it would happen it definitely felt wrong. I’m really angry I ever let that go on. Then I think we just stopped talking but obviously he told his teammates and I think I just got branded as some slut. Then after we had Dance team class, he and his teammates would walk behind me and i would hear “no balls” from them and he would do it. I think I let it happen because I liked him and I thought that that was how it goes, mind you we hasn’t kissed or anything. I really hate myself for allowing that. Another thing about summer after 9th grade we reconnected and we ,again, had amazing calls and conversations and then all of a sudden he told me he couldn’t decide between me and another girl. I thought, oh no, I thought that would have to actually be so cool with it. I thought wow he’s so straight up. I don’t know if he picked me or if he just couldn’t decide. I think he genuinely asked for my input on what he should do. I hate myself for putting up with that. I think for most of 10th grade we didn’t speak, only just on and off again friendships/flirting. Then 11th grade, we reconnected in December and we texted like every night for like 3 hrs probably. I think this was the best I ever felt with him, but still nothing in person. We had a great chemistry. Then I got a text like 3 days after Christmas that he sent at like 2am, welll after we had stopped texting for the night, saying that he couldn’t keep talking to me otherwise he would catch feelings. Then I remember texting him “what?” Or something and I think he kinda bullsh&t his way out of it, and basically nothing from then on, no explanation just a happy new year and that was it. then i think he hit me up months later “hey what’s good” and I said “who’s this” and he said “oof nevermind”. I’m just really angry now because I feel just so stupid and yet my friends tease me about this relationship or whatever. I feel like I get no respect from teammates that he is friends with because of all this, maybe it’s in my head but I don’t think it is. I feel so ashamed and I feel like I am the villain or the stupid naive girl that people look down on.

I was calling with that old friend group the other day just because we are seniors now and just to check in, we were saying what our biggest regrets were and everyone went and then I was asked and then one of my guy friends interrupted me and said wait Grace didn’t you and -boy- have a thing going on, and then my two best friends giggled. I was embarrassed about something I had no idea they were talking about. I asked for him to tell me, and he told me that -boy- told him that he and I had a spot at school we would meet at to do stuff. With all honesty we never did anything explicit, the only  “spot” we had was a place where he said he would meet with me to kiss me because I told him I had never been kissed before. That day we planned he bailed on me (another wtf how was I so dumb moment), I could not believe that my friends were laughing about knowing stuff they thought happened. He spilled a secret and they think I’m a slut. I was so angry that night and so hurt but I told them about the hallway, him slapping and grabbing me. They seemed concerned but at the same time like “okay?”.

Im sitting here angry because I don’t understand why I still after 3 1/2 years of dealing with one sided BS , I’m still painted out to be the slut. People wonder why I’m quiet now and why I’ve distanced myself. I’m still not over the stuff I went through with him. I have divorced parents who never separated their dating life from me. I have always had people in and out of my life and all I want is someone who is going to stay there. I honestly don’t know how to identify what happened to me, like was that sexual harassment or just naive consent? How do I get over the always in and out relationships in my life. Should I stick up from myself if he comes back and tell him off or should I just ghost him? How do I handle the subtle slut shamming i get from my friends? Help? Advice?