Confront if you must. But be aware that he is going to be mad and blame you. And probably leave.
I have been in this situation and I know it’s not a good one. I was married and miles away from home. But I eventually came to my senses and left him.
You need to do the same. This isnt an innocent flirtation. And no. Real men do not do this type of thing.

You don’t need this. Leave him. Get on with YOUR life and leave the wanker.

Joyce,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand how that new information would crash against the plans, investment and feelings you have for him. Sometimes we’re given a glimpse behind the curtain a little early on, and what a blessing, really! What if it was a year from now in America? Consider that you know, you’re seeing, and have adequate proof of his actions. For the record, his actions harm the intimacy in many ways, and its not your issue. Its not “how do I be comfortable with his philandering?” rather “Is there anything that can be done?” With what you’ve presented, short of any miraculous growth spurt on his side, move on. He has lied, threatened you instead of owning up, and, during the honeymoon phase!

I suppose its plausible that he doesn’t have faith in the relationship, perhaps logistics or culture differences or something, but it seems more like thinking with his small head… and that doesn’t go away unless we want it to. Said differently, perhaps its right to pull back, pause on trusting him, and rest in trust with yourself, add it up, make some decisions based on what you see. Not, of course, by what he explains. And what do you want to do? Try to make it work with what you’re seeing? Its between you and your heart, could you trust him enough to open up to him again? Will that nagging be there?

Consider: The picture of him you have in your mind will stop you from opening to him, being comfortable with him, and even if he vows, authentically, to let go of that behavior and commit to you, trust will be a long, slow process in growing. After all, he spins convincing tales, so could spin a convincing vow. But, the heart is strong, and if there is connection between you two, genuine love, then the only chance I see is in strength, wisdom and communication. Said differently, the cat is out of the bag, don’t bother trying to put it back in, suppress, ostrich… no need for all those scratches, all that dread.

Instead, accept that you’ve just hit a deal breaker, and thank god it happened sooner than later. Sure, modern day travel makes a move across the pond less uprooting, but its still is a major change. So, now you have a crossroads that you’ll have to face, and because of his deceptions, you’ll have to take it alone. So, you’ll need light, strength. Consider metta meditation, or other forms of self nurturing. There’s a lot to process, and the buzzy “ohmygodohmygod” flitting around doesn’t help it. So, regroup, hop in a tub, go see some art alone, listen to soft music, or whatever you do to unwind, come into balance, rest and recharge. I like metta, because its simple and radiant, consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

With strength rekindled, mind a little smoother, approach the situation with space and wisdom. There are some urges in him, tendencies, habits or something that brings these actions forward. If he genuinely wants to settle it, he could. But how could you trust that? Is it worth trying, considering other factors? If you want to throw in the towel, that would make sense. Then, shutting him out, no need to explain, send him home, grieve and move on. If you don’t, then you presenting the enigma or “bump” to the intimacy in a heartfelt communication is the only path I can see. If he can see how his actions have stunted the growth between you two, repent and move on, then maybe. More likely, he’ll hide some more in lies… it really depends on whether he’s ready and the love he feels is strong enough to pull him away from his cheating.

To prevent falling into believing his deceptions, or making it about you, consider looking at it with the same laughable spirit. How funny is it to see him cornered, presented with evidence of his crimes… and his response is a little monkey dance, spins some tales for you. Perhaps a marvel, but certainly unconvincing. “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

Sometimes, dear sister, when we encounter a crossroad like this we can really evolve as an individual or a couple. My teacher said that it isn’t the same hobbies or interests that keep an intimacy growing, rather its coming to a shared view. Are you both seeing the same things? Said differently, if he can see how his actions hurt, has a “doooh” moment, try to heal whatever caused it, and make it up to you… AND you want to try, feel its worth it, feel like trust could be rebuilt… then maybe. Otherwise, its a deal breaker, and he broke it, not you. The snooping perhaps was a little betrayal, but it seems to me more like it was your heart guiding you toward more necessary information: inquisitivness meeting opportunity meeting need. And what you found is important, and changes things.

Namaste, friend, may whatever path you choose bring you joy and contentment.

With warmth,
Matt