June 5, 2013 at 6:23 am #36489LaiaParticipant
I am struggling with love.. I realise I have a lesson to learn but I’m not sure how to take it. I am in a relationship with a younger man. He is in the navy and at the moment is abroad. We have had very little contact in the past six months.
We crashed into love is the best way to describe it. Both coming from difficult relationships. He is married but separated with two children. I had just left an abusive relationship. I have never experienced such intensity in a relationship. And neither has he.. When we are together I feel such a strong connection. Even when we are apart.
We have both ended the relationship due to the distance each one wanting the other to be free to move on and struggling with the distance and constant upheaval of his job..
But each time he has come back and I have been waiting for his return..
I want to be able to love and not want to control him, monopolise him.. But I find it really hard. I recognise there is a part of me that is very greedy. Almost obsessively wanting him to myself. I constantly want to put demands on him to do what I want him to do. Ultimatiums.. My girlfriends think I am a fool and I should be more demanding.. Lay down the law.. But that isn’t really how I work..
The truth is at the minute my needs are not being met and I am holding on for a promise of a future life with him. This makes me feel really insecure and at times rejected because he is not with me and doesn’t look to be with me for a while.
I also can not talk with him about all of this because he is far and when he calls I know he only has a few moments and I want him to enjoy his precious conversations with me.
It has been like this for over a year.. I really don’t know what to do.. My mind goes around in a circle.. One day I think I should call it off and try and meet someone with less baggage who can love me and give me the life I want.. Then the next day I remember what its like being with him and I miss him so badly..
Am I supposed to learn that sometimes its best to walk away and trust that its for the best for both of us. THe universe will provide and all that..Or that I should be patient and allow a person to be free with the hope they come back to me..
Both options fill me with fear.. I am also aware I waited and hoped for my last boyfriend to recover from a drug addiction but he never did.. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.. I try to be an accepting person but often stay too long and invest too much in souls who are destructive or not ready to change. I am not saying I want to change this man.. I want the situation around us to change.. Its a constant struggle with one thing after another pushing us further and further apart. And to be honest it always comes from his side.. He says he loves me and I don’t doubt that.. However I do wonder if on some level he is creating a life for himself that makes it impossible for anyone to infiltrate..
As you can see I’m very confused…June 5, 2013 at 7:12 am #36491JadeParticipant
I’ve been in similar situations; I find myself in an intense relationship that seems to shatter every notion I had about love and happiness, but the same relationship is highly dysfunctional as well. None of these relationships worked out because I realized something: sometimes love, no matter how powerful, is not enough. I could feel like this someone had an unshakeable connection to me, but if they couldn’t give me the security, stability, and comfort that I needed, I would be miserable no matter what. So remember, your needs and happiness are important!
In the end, the decision is yours. But if I was in your shoes I would square myself up and move on.June 5, 2013 at 8:16 am #36493LesterParticipant
My whole life I’ve been rejected by girls. Up until now, I’ve yet to find my first girlfriend. There was a point in time when I was very self concious about this, thinking how ridiculous I am, 21 years old and still have never had anyone like me. My self confidence plumited. Soon after whenever I could feel myself falling for someone, I can already feel the pain of rejection way before I even tell them about my feelings.
One day I found myself having a wonderful connection with a girl. She was incredibly beautiful. I thought about her every single day since I’ve met her. Low self-esteem aside I decided to go for her anyways. I decided to tell her I’m falling for her. She kindly turned me down, yet that wasn’t the last time I tried. I thought if I just believe hard enough, envision it in my mind over and over again, that eventually it will work out for me and she will say yes to me. We are still friends and so I had manage to get her alone with me at one point and I tried to kiss her hoping it will convince her of my love and she will love me back. She still turned me down, explaining to me that we are just friends.
I was torn. I thought life was unfair, that no matter what I do I will never find a partner in life. Life was pointless, it was so heart breaking, I even considered jumping off a cliff. I punch my car’s steering wheel over and over till I sprained my wrist, crying and shouting to god how unfair he is to me.
From then on, I had left myself isolated from people. Not interested in socializing with anyone. Of course this left me bored and with vast amount of free time. I put all that time into school. I read books in my extra time, learned extra skills that could help me in school work, found websites like tiny buddha, scott h young, zen habbits, and many other things. I also found that I had a passion for business.
Today, I’m a 4.0 student, transfering to UC Berkeley, started my own blog site, and despite my choice of isolation I still ended up with great relationships around me including families, friends, and coworkers. I’ve never felt this happy my entire life.
Later I realize, what was wrong with me the entire time. All this time, I had fantasized about having a life like the romantic movies and it distracted me from finding true happiness in life. I had discovered how I had lived in ignorance for most of my life, that there was more to life than finding that beautiful woman that I thought would make my life complete. I feel a happiness that is different; I’m actually living a happy life rather than thinking I would happy for the hope of one day obtaining the girl of my dreams.
Looking back now, countless rejections is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Strangely enough, I thank everyone I had met who left me broken hearted. If it wasn’t for them I would still be as disillusioned and ignorant as I was in the past, I would have never found my true purpose in life, and I would have never lived to my full potential.
My point is, sometimes we just need to look at our situation as clearly as possible. Is it really as bad as we feel it to be? Or am I just letting my emotions amplify all these little challenges? Is it necessary to spend my time wallowing over this? Or are there other options I can do, other worlds I can explore?
There is no point in being miserable, IT’S JUST LIFE, you should strive to spend it as wisely as possible, with joy and happiness. Know that you chose what your state of mind is, yes you cant control your emotions, but you can control what effects them. For example, after my rejection, I made sure to stay away from socializing for a while, got off facebook, deleted all the pictures out of my phone with her, because I knew if I don’t take the time to face my feelings and fears by myself I would never be able to handle it again the next time it confronts me.
My friend, remember that you are wonderful person capable of wonderful things in life. I wish you the best!