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Confused about life path

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  • September 7, 2017 at 10:49 am #167712
    JH
    Participant

    Hi there,

    My partner and I have a large age difference – I am in my early-20s and he is older. We’ve been together for almost two years now. Things have always been difficult at times – we were long-distance at first and we dealt with not being finished with people we were dating at first, so it caused some issues and insecurities early on (especially for me). He’s gotten much better at opening up with his thoughts and feelings, however for the longest time he was closed off quite a bit. He was a smoker for the first half of our relationship, and he quit to help things be more compatible (and for his own health, of course). We have communication issues – together we have the tendency to leave a difficult conversation tense and distant.

    On an everyday basis we lead a very safe and happy life together. We both have careers we enjoy, friends we cherish and we appreciate the great weather where we reside.

    I feel more secure and fulfilled in the relationship more than ever.
    The personal contemplation that has arisen for me ever since my last birthday a month ago is – is this the right path for me still? Reaching my mid-20s soon it has me really thinking about what’s right for me. I never attended high-school/college parties and being in a committed, full relationship now I worry I will not live that “20s” kind of life (and yes, I do feel a real desire to do so – not just a worry). We travel together, however since he’s older he can’t keep up as much… not to mention it really bothers him when I go out to clubs and with friends alone. Regardless of our situation in the future (open relationship, him not being bothered by me going out) I fear it may not ever be the same as if I were single again. Polyamory and that sort of thing would cause much unnecessary stress for both of us and it is simply not possible. It seems like if I want to live that sort of life in my 20s being single is my only option.

    I have opened up about all of this to him and it has (of course) made him a bit insecure… feeling as though the relationship is unstable and really may not have a future. Nonetheless he’s been so kind and says I’m staying put, as long as you want to be with me. However, he’s been also very supportive of me leaving if I need to.

    The dilemma is I feel safe and freedom in my current relationship, however I simply cannot live my 20s in the way I may prefer (I’m not 100% sure yet). I say that I “may” prefer being single over a relationship because I really do value being with him… he is a great man and I have the flexibility to work from home, travel more flexibly (flight passes) and so on… one of my main worries with leaving is that I will be leaving those “perks” forever, and leaving him forever (he’s said he wouldn’t want to get back together or really be close at all, just not his thing). I am so scared that I won’t be able to do it on my own… and if I do I won’t have nearly as much time for creative pursuits and enjoyment.

    Please help me sort this out! MUCH appreciated.
    If you need any more details I am happy to explain more. Thanks SO much!

    – J

    September 7, 2017 at 11:11 am #167718
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JH:

    You wrote: ” I never attended high-school/college parties…I worry I will not live that “20s” kind of life (and yes, I do feel a real desire to do so”-

    Can you elaborate on not having attended high school/ college parties, why didn’t you? How did you feel about it then?

    And that 20s kind of life, can you specify what it means?

    anita

    September 7, 2017 at 5:32 pm #167776
    JH
    Participant

    I didn’t because it didn’t feel right at the time to attend. I don’t regret it because it wasn’t right while it was happening… the difference now being I’m pretty sure it DOES feel right.

    20s kind of life meaning having a more spontaneous, less “tied down” and responsible everyday life. Spending time with more people my age (roommates, etc.) while being able to explore my youthful sexuality and romance. Being able to decide for myself what I want everyday.
    I’m such a relationship type of person, and yet I know I have so many years later on to cherish that. It’s just now I am very confused – knowing if I don’t take this chance I will never get my 20s back, while also feeling very comfortable in the situation I’m in (warm weather, working for AirBNB, etc.).

    September 8, 2017 at 8:21 am #167866
    orf
    Participant

    Dear JH

    I can try to relate being in the same age bracket and knowing people who’ve been / are in a similar situation.

    In general, whatever you choose to do, as long as you’re not thinking its a bad idea while you’re doing it (i.e. as long as if you went back without hindsight you’d definitely do the same thing) you can’t possibly have any regrets later on.

    If you feel like you won’t have lived your life to the full if you don’t explore your youthful sexuality and romance and spending time with people your own age then maybe you should do that – you have the social context to do that now, which you may not in future. If it’s fear of losing what you’ve got now, I’d lose the fear – after all you have time to build that back up for yourself in the next 20 years and you’re young you can probably deal with more now than you’ll want to later on. Even if you’re more of a relationship kind of person, no reason you can’t experience different relationships which will later guide you to the last one.

    What I know about people who’ve attempted / had relationships with people much older is the following:

    If you don’t think you properly love each other or aren’t committed enough to each other then the ‘perks’ need to be significant – later on in life if you’re still together you’ll basically become his carer so finances can’t be an issue ever.

    Those who managed to make it work without the perks could so because they got something else they were looking for in each other – one person I know had a terrible relationship with her father earlier on in life so she basically found a father in her partner and he had just left a previous relationship so for him it was like being back in his twenties. They’re both good at talking with each other though and managed to work out their differences, now they live a frugal life, he’s approaching 70 and she 50 but they’re ok.

    Anyway hope this helps!

    September 8, 2017 at 11:49 am #167932
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JH:

    You are conflicted, in between the desire to explore, that excitement and being comfortable; in between the unknown of exploration and the known of comfort.

    What I find concerning about your ability to decide between these two things is that the conflict came up because you turned a certain age and because of your statement here: “I will never get my 20s back”- we never get time back… are you afraid of getting old? I wonder if you are more troubled by aging yourself than you are troubled by him being older…?

    anita

    September 8, 2017 at 2:46 pm #167956
    JH
    Participant

    anita: Yes, that may have a part in what’s going on, but it isn’t the whole story. I am genuinely having the desire to live my 20s by being active also – out of logic that each decade is a special time, not necessarily because I’m scared to get old.

    orf: YES! Great advice and overall response. Thanks for your input so much.

    September 9, 2017 at 9:00 am #168026
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi JH,

    1. You are not missing much. Don’t worry about high school and college parties, they are not what they are cracked up to be. I went to a few of my high school ones, but it was mostly all “the popular” girls such as cheerleaders, cliques, gossipers, etc. I felt I never really fit in, I wasn’t exactly very popular in High school, didn’t even go to my High School Prom. I was “a late bloomer” in my late teens, I was very much into horses and showing them and I loved being around animals. For some reason, I was never really interested in dating or being part of a clique in High School. Same thing in College. I had to join a Sorority, and there was “hazing”. Worst experience of my life. I won’t go into detail, but we were all pushed to drink alot, and I ended up with alcohol poisoning. While I lay there pleading to be taken home as I was so sick, I was crawling around and people were pointing at me and walking over me laughing. People don’t care about you. It’s all about being popular, cliques, cheerleaders, if you are “not one of them” you “don’t belong”.

    When I turned 19, I became engaged. I was way too young and emotionally immature. He wasn’t. He wanted to settle down, did not go to bars or parties. At the time, I lived in Florida. In a ritzy city, called Sarasota. It’s all about the kind of car you drive, the outfit you wear, etc. There are long lines at prestigious clubs and you have to look a certain way, and if the bouncer liked the way you look, he would let you under the rope. I went to beach parties, hurricane parties, bonfire parties, clubbing and dancing almost every night. My fiance has enough and broke up with me. I was devastated, but it was my fault. Now he is happily married with kids and grandchildren, while I am single and no kids. The reason..partying. I just wanted to date, be with friends, go to Tampa, Orlando, Miami Beach, Seaworld, Disney World, the hottest clubs. Etc, this continued in my thirties. I just wanted to be seen with the best looking men and be at bars. Because of this, I find myself today, wondering why I messed up my life doing that? If I hadn’t, perhaps, I would have been married with children by now. So enjoy, being “tied down” in your twenties, because you could be like me, wake up, be alone and wondering where life went.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Eliana.
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