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Confused and Frustrated

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  • September 6, 2017 at 10:28 am #167372
    Sarah
    Participant

    I met this man, Steve, through Tinder in May. We are in our late twenties. I was really into him and he seemed to like me a lot too. About two weeks after we met, my mom had a health scare. To make a long story short, she was basically told that she had lung cancer, but we eventually learned that she in fact had a lung infection that had many of the same signs. But, for about 6 weeks I believed that my mom had cancer and could die very soon. I took a lot of the stress of this situation out on Steve. I was very emotional during this time and would get very upset with him over minor things. He didn’t know what was going on, and he ended things with me.

    I took a few months off from dating, but when I reactivated my Tinder account, I matched with Steve and he messaged me and we made plans to get together. I was very excited because I still thought about him a lot and really wanted another chance. We’ve hung out twice since then, but here’s the thing – I cannot get him to make plans with me since the last time we saw each other (about 10 days), and he is barely responding to my texts. He keeps saying that he “definitely” wants to get together, but when I suggest days, he’s busy and does not offer an alternative.

    I just want some outside opinions on the situation. We texted yesterday, when he said that he could not get together today (Wednesday) and I asked him what his plans were for the weekend – He did not reply. I am tempted to send one last “I guess you’re not interested in seeing me again” text just so that I can get some reaction, even if he ends things I’d like to have some closure. But, a part of me also thinks that this might even be some kind of “test” – Since I acted so emotional and clingy before, maybe he is trying to see if I will overreact again. Of course, there is always the reality that he just doesn’t like me, but why would he have messaged me and made plans with me in the first place? I am just so confused – I don’t want to mess up my “second chance,” but I don’t want to be a doormat either. Any advice is welcome!

    September 6, 2017 at 1:04 pm #167438
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah:

    I suppose it is possible that he is testing you but I doubt it unless he tested you before, unless it is something he has done while you were dating.

    It is also possible that he is unassertive, that he doesn’t want to date you again but feels uncomfortable about communicating that to you directly. Has he been unassertive with you before, or did you witness him being unassertive with others?

    Another question: did you apologize for taking your distress out on him before, and if so, what was the content of your apology and what was his reaction?

    anita

    September 6, 2017 at 1:45 pm #167444
    Jason
    Participant

    Hi Sara,

    In my opinion, it sounds like he’s still on the fence about getting too heavily involved in a relationship with you. All the telltale signs are there:

    • He’s still responding/contacting you.
    • He doesn’t let you in on his plans.
    • He doesn’t commit to any of your plans.

    Basically, what I’m saying is that it sounds like he’s interested, but not 100% sold. He’s keeping the option open if that makes sense. That being said, if you’re truly interested in making something work with him, I recommend you keep it casual at this point. I wouldn’t push too much and make it seem like it’s either all-in or nothing. That’ll just scare him off.

    Just my two cents. I hope it helps.

    Jason

    September 6, 2017 at 2:34 pm #167462
    Sarah
    Participant

    Thank you both for your replies!

    Jason – I tend to agree that he is not 100% sold, which really bums me out. However, for our first two dates this time around, he did make the plans and do the pursuing. Now I’m just confused because – Whats the point of that?! After he initially ended things, I completely left him alone and assumed that I would never hear from him. But he reached out to me and asked to see me. I guess I just wish he could make up his mind. Ugh.

    Anita – He never seemed to do anything like this before. When we initially started dating, he was always responsive and would initiate most of the plans. I don’t see him as very unassertive either. He ended things very clearly, and so I just assumed that he would do the same if he lost interest. I did apologize after one particularly bad night, but that was right before he “broke up” with me. Basically, I said that I was sorry about how I acted (I tried to play it off and blamed it on drinking too much) and he said that he prefers to be around more “laid back” people and that he didn’t think this was going to work. He did add that he liked me a lot and was “really unsure” if he was making the right choice, but he could have just been trying to be nice.

    Before we met up again a few weeks ago, I was ready to apologize and explain myself, but we had such a good time that it just didn’t seem like the “right time.” I really can’t explain how out of character I was acting – It was the worst month of my life. I know that I should not have taken it out on him, and I regret it SO much. Should I bring this up if I get another chance, or try to let it go?

    September 6, 2017 at 2:41 pm #167474
    Sarah
    Participant

    I just also want to add that before he broke things off, I felt as though we were very close to becoming “official.” He had introduced me to his friends and his sisters, we were spending weeknights together and were planning on going on a (weekend) trip together this summer. He talked bout how much he liked me and how I was “exactly what he was looking for.” I guess that’s why its so hard for me to act causal. I know we can’t realistically just pick things up where they left off, but it’s hard for me to start from scratch too..

    September 7, 2017 at 10:55 am #167714
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah:

    When he told you “that he didn’t think this was going to work. He did add that he liked me a lot and was ‘really unsure’ if he was making the right choice, but he could have just been trying to be nice”, well, this tells me that he may have that difficulty being assertive, as I suggested may be the case.

    When he broke up with you telling you he was not sure it was the right choice for him to break up with you, that is a lack of assertiveness, or inadequate assertiveness. If assertive he either breaks up with you or he does not. Doing both, kind of, is weak, and so is his current behavior, neither here nor there.

    anita

    September 8, 2017 at 12:46 pm #167950
    Sarah
    Participant

    Thanks again, Anita. It makes sense that he’s not assertive, because it seems as though he’s not interested in seeing me again, but won’t say that outright. He’ll respond to me days later with some lame excuse, but doesn’t acknowledge my actual text or questions. (For example, me: What’s your weekend look like?… Then he replies 2 days later: Hey sorry been a crazy week at work…) I’m going to move on and assume that this is over (again).

     

    September 8, 2017 at 5:28 pm #167968
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Sarah,

    I use this quote often, because it is very true. If two people are meant to be together, there won’t be any confusion, uncertainty, doubt, him being on Tinder again, guessing games, “why won’t he make plans with me” in other words, the two people are just together. If a man really wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to be with you, no excuses. Period.

    September 9, 2017 at 7:12 am #168012
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah:

    You are welcome. It will be easier if people were clear, straightforward and assertive (while being respectful). But without such, we still need to know what is going on. His behavior indicates what is going on: that the breakup did happen and he is not interested in a relationship with you. There is no point in waiting for him to become assertive, suspended until then in confusion.

    And so, I do understand your decision “to move on.”

    anita

    September 15, 2017 at 9:58 am #168742
    Sarah
    Participant

    Well it’s been over a week of no contact, and I’m still pretty upset over this entire situation. Obviously, I know that if he wanted to continue to see me, he would have contacted me by now, but it’s hard to let go. I’m not sure why – We were never even in a serious relationship. I keep wanting to text him about little inside jokes or something that we have in common (like a book I just read that he’d love), but I’m sure that I’d just be annoying him.

    I’m not sure if I have a question to ask, just venting.

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