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Confused and need some help

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  • #367915
    Mish
    Participant

    I’ve recently started chatting to an old school mate of mine via Facebook. We live in two differnt states and about a month ago our conversations changed and became more personal and sexual in nature. He was telling me everything I needed to hear at the time amd it really brought my spirits up. We often chatted on his break while he work overseas.  He made mention of an ex but nothing to say he was still in a relationship. After some facebook stalking from my sister she finds one girl in particular who constantly tags and posts photos of him. After I confronted him about it, he doesn’t deny that he is in a relationship with this girl and in fact they live togather. I get upset but continue to chat with him as friends. So no more sex convos and we just chat as mates. He tells me he wants me around as his best friend and that my friendship means alot. I kinda feel hurt but i dont want to loose him as a friend so I leave it aat that. He continues to message me everyday asking how my day is going and if my kids are okay. I thought this would change once he finished work (works overseas) and went home to his girlfriend that id hear from him less, but this hasn’t totally been the case. My question is , am I making myself to available for him? Ive developed an emotional attachment and I think he has to and I just don’t want to be taken for granted. What should I do? On One hand I dont want to loose what we have friendship wise but I keep getting mixed signals from him.

    #367934
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mish:

    I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #367946
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mish:

    You shared that recently you started chatting via Facebook with an old school mate who currently works overseas. About a month into the chatting, the conversations changed “and became more personal and sexual in nature”. You later found out that “he is in a relationship with this girl and in fact they live together”.

    After that finding, you felt hurt and upset and there were “no more sex convos and we just chat as mates”; he messages you every day, asking you how your day was and if your kids are okay, even after he returned to his girlfriend from overseas (if I understand correctly).

    You developed an emotional attachment to him. You feel that he too feels emotional attachment to you and that he is giving you mixed signals: on one hand he says that he wants you as his best friend only, and on the other hand, you feel that he wants you as more than a friend. You don’t want to lose the friendship, but .. you are not clear about the nature of the friendship.

    “am I making myself too available for him?… I just don’t want to be taken for granted. What should I do?”-

    – my answer: because you are not clear about the nature of the friendship, because, as I understand it, you are wondering if he is unsatisfied with his current relationship and perhaps considering a love relationship with you- better ask him. I imagine it will be scary for you to do so, but if you prepare how to ask him, even write it down, and then ask him, you will be less scared.

    Once you ask him, you have to carefully listen to his answer and later figure out what his answer means. If it is not a clear answer, you will need to ask him follow-up questions.

    Here are possibilities as to his motivation to keep the contact with you while having a relationship with another woman (based on the very little information you provided and on my understanding of people in general):

    1. He may be dissatisfied in his current relationship, but then, he may have been dissatisfied in any relationship he ever had.. and if he was in a love-relationship with you, he may be dissatisfied as well.

    2. He may be a man who likes variety. He doesn’t want to be.. stuck with one woman. Even if he only talks with another woman, that gives him a relief from that being stuck/ trapped-with-one-woman feeling.

    3. He wants out of his current relationship but is afraid to end it. He is currently.. building the foundations of a new relationship, with you, to replace the one he is not yet ready to end.

    — asking him the right question/s will help you figure out if either one or a combination of the above is true, or if it is something I didn’t mention.

    If you would like help in asking him question/s, or you would like to continue to communicate with me otherwise on the matter, please do.

    anita

     

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