Hey everyone, I’m pretty new here. Debating on posting for a while but here goes..

So I met this guy a year ago, after being single for around 3 years I had given up on love or ever finding it. When I met him it was an instant connection, his eyes lit up and no one has ever looked at me that way in my life. Well we got into a relationship and I felt like the luckiest woman in the world! I had finally found him, my soulmate and everything was perfect. He absolutely adored me. He was an amazing partner and looked after me, we got along like best friends and he was so handsome but so in love with me and he never had eyes for any other woman. He put me on the highest pedestal and I remember thinking this is too good to be true, he got me like no one else ever had and accepted me completely for who I was.

around 3 months in we were having a little drink at my brothers house with him and his partner and we ended up getting quite drunk, we had an argument about something stupid and he lost his temper, he punched the wall and stormed out the house and then started crying outside. Which I found very strange, he then begged for forgiveness and I decided to give him a pass for this one as it was Very out of character for him and I thought it must of been the alcohol and he promised never to get that drunk around me again.

around 6 months in I got a new job opportunity and the salary was very good, even better than his and he was jealous. He didn’t say it out loud but he was very negative about me taking the job and tried to persuade me to leave. He told me he could imagine me being at home with baby’s and he told me I was the woman he wants to marry and I was so happy right then because that’s all I ever wanted. We decided to wait around another year or so to start settling down because we wanted to go on holidays and things. But if I had said to him let’s have a baby now he would of!!

i was still at my job but he was always looking for other jobs for me because he said that this job would be too stressful for me and I remember thinking aww he cares about me so much! He would always text me 24/7 I had to be in constant contact with him. At the time I loved it that he was so attentive and he never ignored me or didn’t show up, he wanted to be with me all the time and when we were together he treated me as if I was the queen and pampered to my every need.

Around 8 months in he started acting really petty and we would argue about silly little things. He would be very nasty in arguments and call me names which I told him wasn’t acceptable and he would always apologise and promise never to treat me that way again. It was like he was Jekyll and Hyde. When he was lovely he was the best man in the world but when I would annoy him he was a different person. He started to say it was over whenever we had an argument, only to come back and say he was sorry and didn’t mean it, he would say he thought it was for the best but I am the one for him and he can’t imagine life without me and he would give it all for me and I fell for it every time because I saw the good in him and I knew what a good man he was!

one night we were laying in bed and he had a photo of me as his screensaver, I said to him I look horrible in that pic, can you change it to the nice pic of me and you and he went on to his photos and then quickly clicked off it, saying I’ll do it tomorrow. Normally I would think nothing of this and let it go but I had a weird feeling he was trying to hide something or that he had deleted the photo of us after one of our arguments. So I said to him why and he EXPLODED! He screams at me “you don’t fucking trust me, how can I be with someone that don’t trust me” “after everything I do for you and you do this to me, do you realise how hurtful this is” he then got so angry and was like “you wanna see my fucking phone? And he put the brightness right up and shoved it in my face, I started crying cos it was hurting me eyes. He was seething- he was so angry he was slurring his words. I remember being actually scared and unable to speak. He was screaming in my face like he was posessed calling me every name under the sun. Telling me if I didn’t answer him now .. we were done! I was frozen in shock, my body just went into a shell. I couldn’t move, I don’t know what happened to me but I couldn’t respond, I felt like he wanted to hurt me and I was so upset, he started crying again and making me feel so bad, he told me this is all too stressful for him and he can’t take it anymore. He said “this is not him” it’s not like him to act like this and he can’t take the stress of it anymore. I went to sleep without saying anything to him because I was in deep shock that he had acted like that. He went to sleep and I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, he got up and he said to me “do is this it, are we done?” I looked at him and felt so much anger! I said to him “of course we are done” he then told me I was the most horrible woman he had ever met and that I would never see him again.

I was angry at first and then I had this ‘oh my god what have I done’ moment. I completely blamed myself. I shouldn’t of moaned about his phone when he never gave me any reason not to trust him, I should of comforted him and tried to talk it through with him instead of shutting down and ignoring him. I had made him loose his shit and I was the worst person in the world. I couldn’t eat, sleep I was an absolute wreck. I couldn’t go to work, I was a shell of myself, I wanted to die! I had just lost the man I had been waiting my whole life for. I had just sent him packing!! I needed him back, I couldn’t live without him. I would rather die!

This went on for a few months until I started taking to friends and family and looking on the internet, i still go back and forth and I still love him with all my heart. Is he an abusive man or is is it all my fault? I don’t know what is real at the moment. I feel so confused and lost.