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Confused over my new partner

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  • #43617
    Kate
    Participant

    Hello All, I have joined Tiny Buddha recently and I really like the way this website works and was hoping if you guys can help me in some way. I am 30 years old, looking to settle down since some time now. Last year, I met a guy, whom I fell for instantly, no holds barred, I just fell for him. This guy was good looking like (9/10) in looks, while you can say I am a 8/10 in looks. We started talking and met up a few times, spent some days together. Since I was looking out for marriage, I fell this guy was good enough, nice looking, with a decent job and we clicked well. I told him my intentions that I thought we can work this towards marriage, he said he liked me too and will make me meet his family, if they like me then we seal the deal. Meanwhile, we texted, chatted, met a couple of times, in a way got intimate too because I was in this entire phase of ‘this is destiny, we met suddenly, everything clicked, he likes me, i like him – all seemed perfect” and we were pretty much dating and he had told me 10, 000 times that he found me attractive and pretty and smart, but then the bomb dropped!…his family did not like me as much..they said i was less better than him (and looks was a deciding factor…they thought he looked better than me and so he can look out for other prettier girls!!)…he told me all that and said that we cant go forward with the marriage. I was heartbroken, I was lost, I knew I dont look bad at all (maybe a tad lower than their son but no way that some one can reject on the way i look)…i felt humiliated, suffered from low esteem and a lot of negative feelings. We ended up on a really bad note..me not ready to leave things, him trying to move forward. Surprisingly, he got over the break up really fast..and is now happily enjoying his life. I suffered, badly, bcz in my mind I had accepted that this was going to work but when it did not and that too for a trivial reason (the way i look), i felt truly sad. Meanwhile, to let you all know, we were together for 7-8 months and we hd crackling chemistry or so i thought.
    Chapter 2 – I met another guy through some friends, he is just the opposite – not great looking (would give hm 4-5/10), not a charmer, not one who can make you laugh instantly, flirt etc but he is more the stable kinds – has a good heart, loyal, supportive, straightforward. He likes me and my friend is asking me to consider him for marriage…on my first thoughts i did not like him, on my second thoughts, i found him ok…my problem is i like him as a human being and feel he’s good husband material but i dont feel attracted to him like physically..i mean there’s no solid chemistry for ex – i talk to him on the phone for atleast 2 hours, it leaves me stable and peaceful but no sense of excitement or you know the adrenaline rush! i understand, this excitrment is only for a small time in a r/ship but it should be there for some time atleast right? While i still rem with the previous guy, it was all the time, i used to feel excited, was always trying to please him and try and do things he liked. But with this guy, I dont try to do anything like that at all. Infact, he likes to do things for me all the time.

    I dont wat this is….I am confused. My friend said if you dont like him then let him know so that he knows you dont feel for him but when it comes to saying him no…i cant even do that. I like him as a person and i feel maybe i am just so trapped in my previous r/ship still that i cant him accept him. its like one day I am all for him, next day I am again thinking.

    While I also have strong feelings for my ex – in the sense that i constantly wish he does not end up with a prettier girl, that to leave some one just like that is not ethical (i cant believe this looks argument – had i real been that bad how could he have lasted so many monyhs with me?), my mind goes wandering if he’s engaged/ or dating some one prettier? All this makes me weary and i end up being messed up. Can you guys help me?

    I want to get settled with a decent guy who can give me a good life, my ex was clearly not one..and this guy looks like that but then why i am confused and cant accept him?

    #43652
    running_mushrooms
    Participant

    Hey there,
    Have you ever considered that your looks aren’t everything and that there is more to you than your physical appearance? Clearly your ex and his family were not right for you, especially since they seemed to consider your appearance, above everything, else the most important factor for marriage.
    And that once you find someone you truly like, their appearance won’t matter so much in the end either? So in the case of this new guy, if you’re not feeling anything for him and if there’s no chemistry (which I agree that there should be), and you can’t see past his ‘looks’, maybe you should tell him that you don’t feel for him the way he does for you. Maybe you’re partly confused about this new bloke because you feel pressured to be married? Or that you only feel like your worth something if you’re married?
    The truth is, whether you’re married or not, you are worth more than what you think you are, and that physical appearance is only part of you, and should not be your defining trait. There’s also no point leading this new guy on, the longer you go without letting him go, the harder he’s going to fall. And everyone gets hurt in the end. If you deal with it now, you can both get on with your lives. Also there are unresolved issues with your ex, which you need to figure out for yourself. Like why you feel the way you feel etc. But babe, I have to say that him and his family are not worth your worry at all! Although it may take you your own time to get over him, just know that there will be someone else better for you out there. Maybe not right away, but in time. Just be open to that possibility : )

    And why is it so important that you find someone to get married to straight away? Maybe you need to find other things in your life that are important to you, things that give meaning to your life. Focus on you and your many talents, which I’m sure you have, other than just your looks. How someone looks on the outside does not always reflect who they are on the inside.
    Anyway, once you start focusing on your life and open yourself up to the million possibilities you have in front of you; the right person will come along without you even having to try, and things will click into place, when the time is right. Right now, just enjoy what you have, and all the things you can do while you’re single!
    As Jon Zabat-Zinn so perfectly puts it; ‘Patience is a form of wisdom. It demonstrates that we understand and accept the fact that sometimes things must unfold in their own time’.
    Good-luck!

    #43746
    Kate
    Participant

    Thanks for ur perspective. It really helped bring a smile on my face!!:)

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