May 24, 2013 at 5:45 am #36060
Long story short, I’m 5 months pregnant. This pregnancy was unplanned, the father of my unborn child and I were only together for a month when I got pregnant. Unfortunately for me, by the time I figured out he is immature, selfish and lied to me about a lot of things – I was already pregnant. Here I am now, 5 months pregnant and single. We broke up when I was about 3 months pregnant because I kept finding out about lies he would tell me, mostly having to do with other girls. During those 3 months I forgave him multiple times, mostly because I wanted my child to have both parents in his life, until one day I realized it was causing more stress than good and stress + pregnancy = disaster. So I broke up with him. The 2 months after the break up he didn’t call me, text, email, facebook – NOTHING. I got zero support from him, both emotionally and financially, I have come to terms with being a single mom and actually felt a little relief I didn’t have to deal with his immature, selfish actions.
Still, there was a voice in the back of my head that told me to reach out and work something – so I did. Two weeks ago I sent him a text, we talked that day and he told me that he was sorry and that he was going to make things better, we made plans to meet up that Saturday to talk. Yay right? WRONG. I didn’t hear from him after that. At this point I’m confused, how can you tell someone you are sorry and that you want to be apart of the child’s life, but act the opposite? I was so angry, for the next week I kept thinking about all of the things he’s done to hurt me and what I would say to him if I ever saw him again.
That didn’t exactly happen. A week after that talk he texted me “I’m sorry about last week”, I didn’t reply so he said “Sierra please” – my intentions were to completely ignore him, but that didn’t happen either. Two hours later I responded, and again, long story short, I told him this was his last chance to get his stuff together or I was going to be 100% done with him. Things were ok after that, the showed up to the anatomy scan, he got to see the baby and even feel the baby kick…that was Monday, I didn’t hear from him Tuesday, so when he texted me Wed night I ignored it, the following Monday I texted him that I was angry at him and he told me “Please dont give up on me, please, i’m going to do what I can to fix this”. Here it is Friday and I haven’t heard anything since that text.
WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF. At this point I’m angry at myself because I keep trying to fix something that’s completely broken, when really it just needs to be thrown out with the trash. Am I wrong for being angry he hasn’t talked to me in the past few days? Is it petty? I just feel like he should be making all the effort he possibly could to make this work, and he’s not. In fact, I’ve had a lot of my friends tell me they see him hanging out at bars all the time, and with a different girl every time.
I have no idea what to do at this point. I’m so angry, hurt and confused.
I’m posting in this forum because I feel that I’m obviously clouded with anger to the point where I’m not making the best decisions and need advice that isn’t biased. The only thing I know to do is be done with him, stop talking to him, ignore him when he tries to say sorry. However, we have a child coming into this world – am I wrong for wanting to keep my son away from him? I just want to protect him. Maybe I just needed to write this out and see it in front of my face.May 24, 2013 at 8:34 am #36073
You’re not wrong to feel angry. He keeps yanking your chain and making promises he might have no intention of keeping. I understand you wanting to have him in your baby’s life, that is totally natural. You can have him in your baby’s life in years to come, that doesn’t mean you have to be together as a couple. Just stay away from him for now, it doesn’t mean maybe in time that you can’t work it out but you are crazy if you keep giving him chances right now. Cut off contact until you have the baby, if he really really wants to be in your lives, he will find a way, one that doesn’t include half assed promises. Have you thought about placing your baby for adoption? It is an option if you feel like you are totally unprepared for having a baby at this point in your life.
Just take care of you right now, if it’s meant to be it will be, stop letting him hurt you, you deserve better.May 24, 2013 at 9:30 am #36074Jenna ClarkParticipant
If this helps at all – I agree totally that you have every right to feel the way you do. But for now, it might be best to not initiate contact. Focus on yourself, and your baby, because you can do nothing to change his behavior. He’s an adult.
I was in a very similar position, if it helps to hear the experience of others. I got unexpectedly pregnant from a short-term relationship, and the father was not all that involved, by his own decision. I struggled with much of what you’re feeling, both during the pregnancy and after. There was a great deal of pain and anger. What helped me was to surround myself with people who were supportive (this was a very short list, at the time) and also with other single parents, so that I could talk to them and figure out my own situation. The hardest part was learning to separate my emotions from the relationship between my daughter and her father. Like it or not, in many ways having a child with someone is more of a commitment than a marriage – you are tied, legally, to this person for the rest of your life.
Some things to think on: what are your expectations of him? Is he clear on those expectations? And are they reasonable, considering you two are not a couple?May 24, 2013 at 10:57 am #36077
Thank you both for the opinions. As far as adoption, my answer is no I have not considered it because apart from issues with the father, I am financially ok to raise a child without help, I’m prepared, other than my confused feelings towards the father, i am emotionally ready and most of all, I’m willing to sacrifice my time and devotion to give all of my love into this child.May 24, 2013 at 11:03 am #36078
Well I’m glad to know that you can do it on your own. I’ve been where you are at and it is scary and confusing. If you can get in to see a counselor, it might help you sort things out. All the best to you, you seem like a really smart and lovely young lady. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, which is the best!May 24, 2013 at 11:55 am #36080
Thank you so much, and I have been seeing a counselor once a week for the past 2 months. Now if I could get the father to do the same 😛May 24, 2013 at 12:03 pm #36081
I know what you mean, sometimes you just have to put it down. The only way you can change a man is if he’s wearing a diaper HA!May 24, 2013 at 1:17 pm #36084LizParticipant
I was once pregnant and unmarried. I married the baby’s father, and we were together for three years. He was a good guy, but we were both very young and didn’t know how to make things work. The thing is, you keep wanting the father to be somebody YOU want him to be. You have ample evidence that he is who he is. He won’t change because you want your baby to have a father.
Since you say you are able to raise a child on your own, I suggest you focus on the gift that came to you, your baby. Please don’t do as I did, and resent your baby for changing your life in a way you didn’t plan. There are larger plans at work in your life — and the father’s. See the blessing, not the wrong, and you will do well. Let go of the father. You know he’s not for you.
Spirit will support you as you raise a healthy, beautiful child. I know it.February 14, 2014 at 7:30 am #50997AnnParticipant
It is great to know to took the step in seeking help for yourself. That is very wise and brave thing to do. I totally get where you are coming from. Also keep in mind that you can’t hold on to hoping he will do what you want him to do. If he truly loves you and the baby, he will be willing to do it on his own. Your feelings are validated. Use that energy towards bettering your situation emotionally, mentally and physically. I am trying to do the same here. You will hit some road blocks but don’t let that get you down. The harder you work on being better, the rewards are greater. Nobody can take away that power you posses unless you give them the power. Stay strong.