May 14, 2013 at 5:20 am #35522YogistarParticipant
I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months with a great guy. I am 38, he is 39, both of us have never been married or have kids. We have both been serial daters, he more so than I. I’ve always had long term relationships, while his longest relationship was about 2 years. While we have much in common and enjoy each others company, but we both have strong personalities and bump heads from time to time which is normal I think. We both lost our mothers around the same time, his to cancer , mine to suicide and both of our fathers had colon cancer around the same time. That’s not the only commonality in our life history, but it’s just to give you some back story.
We are both at the point where we’ve been discussing marriage (he’s the first guy I ever seriously considered marrying and having children with) and we are both having doubts. I tend to feel trapped in relationships and freak out and run while he tends to do the same. I believe I have some PTSD due to my mom’s suicide while he has admitted he’s afraid of being with someone for fear of them dying and leaving him.
I see a therapist my self and have suggested that we both go and talk to someone together. While he’s not keen on doing it, he did agree to go. I would like him to not just go because I want to, but to try and learn something. but I have no control over that.
We are taking a week to think about things (limited calls and we are not seeing each other until this weekend), but I’m not sure at the end of the week I’ll have an answer. I just know in my heart that he’s the one for me even with some of the small issues we have, but I don’t think he feels the same way completely. He feels you should love everything about a person all of the time, and he doesn’t love when I have PMS…sounds silly now that I’m typing this out, but it’s true. I tend to be very emotional during this time and have had melt downs which had lead him to doubt our relationship. I understand that how I act at that time isn’t me, and I’ve tried to explain it to him with no avail.
I want to keep working at this and he says the same that he doesn’t want out and that he knows I am “probably” the best thing that’s ever happened to him, but he wants to be sure so he doesn’t waste my time. I think it’s great that he’s so honest, but in reality, it hurts when he tells me these things.
Any feedback is appreciated!
Thanks!May 14, 2013 at 1:46 pm #35548Buddhist WifeParticipant
I really feel for you, what a lot of big decisions you have to make.
I’ve read your comment a few times and there are a few things that have struck me about it. Before I say them, please understand I’m just an ordinary housewife, I have no particular qualifications to give advice and what I’m about to write is just from my own limited and very modest viewpoint.
You wrote “I just know in my heart that he’s the one for me . . . but I don’t think he feels the same way completely”.
What strikes me here is that a huge amount is resting on what appears to be at least partly an assumption on your part. You say you only “think” he feels that way which suggests that you are not 100% certain of his feelings. Am I correct in saying that?
It seems to me that the two of you need to be very frank about what you are both feeling before you can make any decisions. It would be a great shame to make the wrong decision based on conjectures and misinformation. So I think that maybe when you get together after your break you need to be sure you both communicate very clearly where you are.
Another thing that struck me is his reaction to you when you have PMS. You haven’t made it clear how serious your “meltdowns” are or what they entail, whether you are just a bit moody or if you go raging around in public. Firstly, if they are causing you problems, do try and see your doctor to get some help. It is crazy that this should have such an impact on your life and you should at least be able to get a plan together to alleviate some of the symptoms.
However it concerns me slightly that he seems unwilling to stand by you when you are ill. To me standing by someone is a key part of marriage. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring and either one of you could find yourself seriously ill with all the complications that entails. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that pregnancy is hard too, so if the pair of you find yourselves in those circumstances, will he be able to stand by you then? I think a marriage needs both partners to be committed to sticking around through illness and a whole host of other uncomfortable situations. You need to be clear if he is capable of that.
Also you say, that he says “you should love everything about a person all of the time”. It’s clear to me that you don’t think this is realistic, and I certainly don’t! I love my husband dearly but there are things about him that infuriate me and I would at times gladly chuck him out of the window! It might be that your boyfriend is reaching for the moon and that his unrealistic expectations will prevent him from ever finding a partner. That would be tragic for him but it would be doubly sad if you let it make you miserable too.
As you are clearly wise enough to see that no relationship is ever perfect, I suppose it’s a case of you deciding whether this one is good enough for you. No one can see what a relationship is truly like when they are stood on the outside and only you and he can know.
I really hope you find a resolution to this and I hope this time is not too stressful.