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Confusing behaviour and breakup

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  • #183973
    Luna
    Participant

    Hello. I have recently gone through a breakup. It is all very confusing to me, but the story is as follows. We were together for one year and we loved each other deeply and were very close. Meanwhile, it became a (short) distance relationship, but managed it well. Everything was normal until he stopped responding to any of my calls or texts. I eventually got in touch with him, we met and he proceeded with the breakup, the reasons being that he had lost the feelings. Yet the next day he called me, regretting the decision and we got back together. A couple of weeks passed and when it was time for us to meet he did the same, ignoring me completely. Naturally, I interpreted it as a breakup and didn’t insist with the calls. Yet again, after one week, he contacted me, deeply regretting it and we eventually got back together. Slowly, everything went back to normal, even better. Until several months later, last week, when he pulled the exact same move, for the third time.

    The reason why all this is so confusing and why I have been willing to put up with the first two breakups is that I truly felt like I knew him and he was nothing like the guy I have described. He was actually (except these times) extremely kind and never hesitated to express his love for me. The relationship was wonderful, filled with respect and care for each other and it seemed as if we were always on the same page.

    It is very hard for me to accept that he does not love me (given that, in my opinion, at least, we seemed so compatible), but I do accept it. But the fact that he chose to be so unexpectedly cold and disrespectful drives me crazy. Was he pretending throughout the whole relationship? Or does he just not know what he wants and is just immature about it?

    I like to think that I am a rational person, but I am aware that I am also young and inexperienced when it comes to love.

    #184087
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Luna,

    I am sorry this happened, and can understand how frustrating this can be. We want to know the answers, but they don’t come and we are left perplexed and befuddled. I think it might have been the distance. I think you mentioned there was some distance between you. Did you live far apart from each other? Did he ever mention wanting to be exclusive with you, or wanting “just to date”. Some men, no matter how compatible, etc we are with them, are not relationship ready, or emotionally available.

    Did you ever ask him if he saw a future with you. When he did distance himself, did he offer any reasons for his behavior? It sounds if he did this to you, most likely, he has done this in the past and will in the future.

    #184017
    Mike Jordans
    Participant

    Hey Luna

    I have read over your story a few times. I understand your confusion during this trying time and hope you can maybe find some peace with some things i share with you. I have seen a very similar scenario play out with a pair of friends of mine lets call them Bob and Jane.

    Now in the end Bob has done the exact same thing that your previous boyfriend has done and Bob is a extremely close friend of mine however iam a long time friend of Jane before I’ve even met Bob. But the the things Bob has shared with me i will share with you much of which Jane won’t hear because its how he felt and he chose to be silent to her much as what your boyfriend has done to you. In my experiances dealing with Bob please do understand the dynamics of this relationship may be entirely different then the ones you have experienced so also keep that in mind. Bob would explain to me that he cared a lot about Jane initially then they lost the light they once had and had a sour breakup and tried it again but to no avail ended again. However on the third time they were weeks away from buying a house together when Bob got cold feet and ended the relationship for the third time. Jane had never ended the relationship once all the doings where Bobs. Bob explained to me when he would do this it was during a time of overwhelming anxiety caused by the relationship even if you don’t see it, it can lie below the surface. The way Bob and your boyfriend chose to end things from what I’ve seen is minimal self impact way to go about things for themselves by ex-communicating you they are putting themselves in the driver seat being the one who chooses to answer messages or sends messages leaving little room to be hurt or vulnerable which unfortunately leaves you with the short stick.

    This situation sucks lets get that out of the way right now there is no easy way to say it. But do know everything has a silver lining the boyfriend you had i feel never was “faking” loving you that could be as real as the sky is blue but do know that fundamental ability to deal with hard emotions like doubt or uncertainty had caused him to make immature and unfair emotional decisions (i have at times done the same we are after all human). But if you can understand the constant breaking up and getting back together may be his attempt also at not wanting to be alone and running back to something familiar emotionally. He knows exactly what he’s in for going back to the relationship instead of the bleak emptiness and loneliness that comes with a break-up, but unfortunately thats not fair to you. And while i don’t know you, i do know this: You deserve to be with someone who has both feet in the water, not one in one out. You also deserve to be talked to about issues in your relationship not for someone to shut you out when times get tough. You deserve respect and its not what you getting with this relationship in my opinion.

    Your youth is among you and you will have many relationships and friendships its time for you to explore unless you whole heartedly love this person and want to work things out then i would suggest having serious talks and reading books to help overcome situations like this. However like if it is as said you were together for one year. Time will come and go, pain heals and loneliness is replaced but losing time to people who do not value yours is something i learned and should never be compromised with a brief feeling of a happiness for years spent in uncertainty. You will remember he has done this hurt to you and as much as you want to forgive and forget you will always have doubts and lack of his trust regarding commitment. It is not a pretty road to go down, be careful of your path and know your worth. You seem like the person your looking for is there but maybe not with the person.

    All the best,

    Mike

    #184105
    Luna
    Participant

    Hi Eliana, thank you so much for your answer.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>We didn’t live very far from each other, we usually met in the weekends. We were both seriously comitted to this relataionship and he was actually the one to initiate discussions about our future together. He would even criticize those who handled (distance) relationships badly. He didn’t even distance himself gradually, he would just ‘ghost’ me out of the blue (though i guess this ghosting thing is always out of the blue). College is also very stressing for him and I am sure this contributed to the situation, which is why I have tried to be as understanding and supportive as possible.</p>

    #184123
    Rob
    Participant

    Luna I can empathize with you. To answer your questions, I don’t feel he was pretending, at least until the 1<sup>st</sup> break up. Has he been immature about  it as you asked? Well, his actions sure show that YES he has.

    What’s happening here is just so very common. Once the “in-love” or “limerence” phase in a relationship ends (usually a year plus or minus or so) the transition to what is known as a deeper love then has to take place. LOTS of people don’t know how to transition from “in-love to” to a “deeper love”.

    Usually the person that is committed most and understand what a deeper love looks like is the one that can transition the best at this crucial time of a relationship. Also, this person understands “butterflies” don’t last forever.

    Then there’s the person who thinks “butterflies” has to be present at all times during of a relationship. And when the butterflies leave – so do they – discarding their past love interest like a used washing machine. He appears to be chasing this shallow type love. Some out grow this and many do not. You are both young and still learning through experience. Hugs.

    #184137
    Luna
    Participant

    Hi Mike,

    It was very comforting reading the story of your friends, especially since it offered his side of the story as well. So I want to thank you so much for sharing it with me and for you entire response really.

    its time for you to explore unless you whole heartedly love this person and want to work things out. Now this is where it hurts the most… Throughout the relationship, I’ve have also had my doubts as well, and the doubts were sooo tiring as I would often overanalyze the relationship and my feelings. Because this was (well it still is, but past tense seems more appropriate) my first love and I was always aware of it. I would sometimes be tormented by the thought that maybe this love isn’t actually that real and I’m just blinded my the magic and butterflies and blah blah of a first love. But despite these doubts, I was so happy that sometimes i would cry, was so grateful for having the chance to love somebody this deeply. Because he was just so great, he inspired me to be a better person and I grew so much since I met him. Of course, I was perfectly aware of his flaws, but would accept and deal with them with care. Maybe it was silly, but that excitement would just hit me. So now I don’t know what I feel or even felt. Is he really that sweet person I knew? Probably not, since he thought he could manage the situation the way he did. But the fact that I cannot know for sure, the possibility that we would actually be so happy together kills me.

    I don’t know what I should do if he ever contacts me for a make up. Or maybe I know, just don’t want to accept it..

    #184151
    Luna
    Participant

    Hey Rob,

    Thank you, it feels good to realize I am not alone in this.

    Sometimes I just want to grow already and be as experienced as I can.

     

    I’m so grateful for all your responses, I just want to hug you all. Thank you again!

    #184153
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luna:

    As to why, why ghost you each time, here is a possibility. You can consider it if you’d like, take into your consideration having known him in different contexts and see if it fits.

    Every time he decided that it was better for him to not be in a relationship with you, he made it happen the fastest and easiest way for him, and that was ghosting you. Why bother with talking with you if he already decided, his thinking may be. And, who cares how you feel about the way he broke with you when what matters is how he feels.

    And so, throughout the relationship he was good to you for as long as he believed that it was for his benefit. Your benefit may be of no concern for him outside the context of a relationship with him. As if … you don’t exist or you don’t matter otherwise.

    anita

    #184155
    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t get submitted correctly…

    #184159
    Luna
    Participant

    Anita,

    Wow. Very helpful. I have actually thought about that a couple if times, but to have someone say it..

    Thank you, thank you very much.

     

    #184185
    Rob
    Participant

    Luna, Anita’s third paragraph explains <span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: transparent; color: #333333; cursor: text; font-family: Georgia,’Times New Roman’,’Bitstream Charter’,Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;”>the “deeper love” that I was referring to in my post very well. That is what deeper love is all about… it’s about giving, first. </span>

    <span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: transparent; color: #333333; cursor: text; font-family: Georgia,’Times New Roman’,’Bitstream Charter’,Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;”>Your bf made the relationship about him, that is the only perspective that he saw. I can tell that you truly loved him and valued him enough to see things from his perspective throughout the relationship. Just remember, the worthy person in your future will also see it that way. And when people show us who they truly are – believe it!</span>

    #184189
    Rob
    Participant

    <span style=”margin: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ‘Arial’,’sans-serif’; font-size: 8.5pt;”>Wow Luna, my above post had a mind of its own, LOL. Don’t know what happened there but let me try this again…</span>

    <span style=”margin: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ‘Arial’,’sans-serif’; font-size: 8.5pt;”>Anita’s third paragraph explains the “deeper love” that I was referring to in my post very well. That is what deeper love is all about… it’s about giving, first. </span></span>

    <span style=”margin: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ‘Arial’,’sans-serif’; font-size: 8.5pt;”>Your bf made the relationship about him, that is the only perspective that he saw. I can tell that you truly loved him because you valued him enough to see things from his perspective throughout the relationship. </span>

    <span style=”margin: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ‘Arial’,’sans-serif’; font-size: 8.5pt;”>Just remember, the worthy person in your future will also see it that way. And when people show us who they truly are – believe them!</span>

    #184191
    Rob
    Participant

    Hopefully third time is a charm, let’s try again…

    Anita’s third paragraph explains the “deeper love” that I was referring to in my post very well. That is what deeper love is all about… it’s about giving, first.

    Your bf made the relationship about him, that is the only perspective that he saw. I can tell that you truly loved him because you valued him enough to see things from his perspective throughout the relationship.

    Just remember, the worthy person in your future will also see it your way. And when people show us who they truly are – believe them the first time!

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Rob.
    #184259
    luckyfox
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m sorry you’ve been through this, I hope to add some insight.

    You can still love someone & their behaviour can be unkind. This can be changed. But also you can love someone & not see their full personality. This cannot be changed.

    Personally I find this behaviour of ‘ghosting’ or ignoring someone rude & personally I’m not willing to accept it in my life.

    Many years ago I was getting to know someone for 6 months & after a short time he did similar. It turned out it was nothing to do with me & it was all to do with his confidence. From a smart handsome man who treated me kindly & with respect suddenly came someone who vanished off the face of the earth.

    I said at the start I’m sorry you’re going through this. But for me, it was a huge learning curve so I am so happy I went through it. I learned I wouldn’t be treated with disrespect & if someone was willing to treat me like this at the start of the relationship then I deserved better.

    Someone who loves you will treat you with the respect you deserve. But no one will respect your boundaries & give you that respect unless you do first.

    Take care.

    #184273
    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, Luna. Post anytime you need to.

    anita

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