Hi sia!
Thanks for sharing with me :).You’re right, it impacts how I schedule my study times, whether I meet with friends or not. I’m starting to see her anger as a cry for help, the only way I can think of helping her is taking her to talk to a therapist who can maybe help her figure out what is causing her to feel frustrated and overwhelmed. That is not a conversation I have been able to approach so far because I have been fearing her reaction. Also, I had not thought of low blood sugar. Will get it checked, she does take medications for diabetes.
Just reading the practical tips you gave makes me feel better. I’m going to try and build them into habitual mental responses to her anger.
Prayers and Love,
m

Hi anita!
Thanks so much for your input!
I’m sorry I should have been clearer; my mum and I are financially independent of each other. The support is more in the form of errands/bank/doctors appointments that I carry out because my parents can’t for health reasons. I can base my argument around that too however I guess. This is not something she has always done however, she’s been my best friend pretty much my entire life. Which is why these two months have been surreal and weird. I remember once around ten yrs back, we went through a similar phase. That situation resolved when her gp prescribed anti depressants for her.
m

Hi Anita, just saw your new reply here..hmm I guess I have to think about this. It is true that we were closer when my dad was abusive, there were lots of chances for “grand gestures” in terms of protecting each other and that made us value our relationship and there was a lot of mutual gratitude. Even while she was angry recently if I made a “grand gesture” move it would improve things for a day or two.
I think it has been two years now since my dad has stopped being abusive completely, even though it has been slowing for a while. Her anger has present for the past few months and wasn’t there before that (or it wasn’t a pattern that I could pick up on).
Something did happen in December. Arranged marriages are part of my culture, and there was an interest shown in me from a guy’s family. I did not say no, but did lay the condition that I wanted to talk to him before deciding. My mom initially did not respond to this either positively or negatively. She appeared to accept it as was. My dad , I believe, has problems with the thought of me leaving home. He has sabotaged university choices that would involve me leaving home (by refusing to send documents that the uni required) and does use emotional black mail if I have a work trip. He put his foot down and absolutely refused to consider the proposal (which I was secretly relieved by. Based on surface impressions I am pretty certain my answer would have been a no. I am also not mentally ready or willing to get married right now). My aunt who did talk to my mum about this, thought it was unreasonable of me to ask to speak to the guy. The end result was that my mum laid the blame for the situation not working out on me, even though I was willing to at least explore the option, with reservations.I had also expressed concern because the guy was settled in a different country, and I do not think I can move away permanently as it is very clear to me that my parents need me to be present in the city at least. This caused a lot of defensiveness from my relatives.When I made career decisions based on this everyone was fine however.
I was very confused about what was happening during this entire incident, there was a lot of deception and manipulation and I’m not sure what anybody wanted at all at this point. By the end of it, I got the feeling my mum wanted me to say yes immediately and get married, which is not what she had expressed initially.
I wondered if there was residual resentment from this episode that maybe resurfaced when she wasn’t happy. Around 10 years ago, she went though a similar period of anger with me. At that point I was young, she was the one who dropped me and picked me from school and extra curricular activities, and she was depressed, so she found the routine overwhelming I think. I did not realize she was depressed, our GP did and started her on her anti depressants, after which her lethargy and anger both resolved.
I am sorry for the information over load! There are just so many circumstances which seemed relevant!
Thanks and love, Anita, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to bring all of this to the surface.
m

Well he was never physically abusive. He was paranoid, angry and controlling. Everyhting had to be done exactly the way he said it should be or he would get angry. For example if asked me to pass a bowl he would say “pass it from the left side”. If I went around the right instead he would see it as disobedience and get angry. There were multiple such episodes daily. if he got angry he would yell for hours and we would not be allowed to get up or move. If I had to go to the bathroom while he was talking he would get angry and would not let me go. I remember sitting in one place being yelled at everyday for 3-4 hours but I don’t remember the content, I would tune out. It could be something I did or something that went wrong around the house generally. We had to do whatever he wanted irrespective of what was going on in our lives. If he wanted to drive around the city for hours we would do that it did not matter if I had homework or tests. If I brought up school work he would threaten to take me out of school. Once I remember I had 104 fever and I had to go walking with him because he wanted exercise. We were not allowed to sleep at night. He would take my moms salary from her and being in financial control allowed him to be financially abusive as well. He would take our cell phones and house keys and we would not be allowed to talk to people without him being present. We weren’t allowed to cry or get angry.If we were quiet he would get angry too. He threatened to kill my mum once, I do not take that threat seriously now but I did when it was made because I was very young. He also would play tricks on her like mixing a large amount of tobacco or something in her food to make her sick. Those are the specifics I remember, I don’t remember everything.
The grand gestures were sort of like, if it looked like he was picking on me and I was having trouble dealing with it that day, she would do something to call attention to herself and he would turn his anger on her instead. I would do the same for her if it looked like she had had too much. We would also defend each other if he it looked like he was going to interfere negatively in one of our lives (making mum quit her job or taking me out of school). Even with smaller things we defended each other.
I think being in the same country doesn’t matter to mum, she just wants me to get married, she doesn’t particularly care to whom. When I realized this it felt like a huge betrayal. She was forced to stay in her marriage by her family and my fathers, and now I think she believes all of her sacrifices and suffering were for maintaining her marriage. I have always been very clear that I do not think marriage as the most important aspect of my life, and I think that makes her feel as if I’m negating her life choices (the choices she was forced into making ).This is an assumption, however, Ive no proof she feels this way.
With my dad, if I travel for work he will call 10 times a day. when I get back home he wont stop talking about how much he missed “his child”. Before I leave he goes on about how much he will miss me. He makes me feel guilty about being away from home. That is why I feel he does not me to get married to anyone, that would involve me leaving home. To be honest neither of my parents knew enough about the guy or his family to be “for” or “against” the match. They didn’t even know his name (I’m serious). ALl we knew was his city and his job.
To clarify about my dad, he suffers from bipolar disorder. He was very noncompliant with his treatment for a very long time. I had a nervous breakdown when I was 16 and he became compliant after that. He would still go through manic phases but they were a lot more manageable. for two years now he has become very old and frail and hasn’t had a manic phase.