Hello everyone,

This is going to be a messy entry because it is really difficult to put my emotions into words. Also, I’m sorry for the possible mistakes I’m going to make as I’m not a native speaker.
I wanted to say that the articles on this web page have been a great help for me. But I figured that it can’t harm to write here about my situation.
I guess it’s important to know a little about me:
I’m a young woman my early 20s, doing my bachelor’s degree abroad which I should be getting by the spring. I have a close circle of friends, a few of them here and a few back home who I can trust. I have a boyfriend, we are in a long distance relationship and from time to time it’s challenging but I wouldn’t want to change it for anything else and I really feel that this thing between us could work out. The relationship with my family is alright. I like to jog, journal, cook and bake… so the hobbies are also there. So one could say that what am I complaining about!? And I don’t understand it either.

Alright so the thing is that I’m just not the one I used to be a year ago. I’m sad so often and feeling insecure about myself. And the problem is that I don’t know what to change because everything is seemingly alright. For the past half a year I have felt that whatever I’m doing is not enough: I could do better, the other people are doing much more, I don’t even know if I should be doing this etc etc… with everything! so basically I’m constantly comparing myself to the other people, including my friends. It really hurts me because I can feel how I’m getting more and more insecure and I’m becoming afraid of talking with them about my doubts and weaknesses because they seem to be always in balance. And I feel that the more I express my unconfidence, the worse it actually gets so I’m trying to hide it, hoping that deinying the situation will make it better because I shouldn’t really complain. I feel like I should always be at my best, better then yesterday, and when I don’t succeed then I’m turning myself down real hard. And when I’m able to cross out everything on my to do list, I don’t feel like I achieved something, I just feel that that’s the way it’s supposed to be and no less.
Right now it hasn’t affected my relationships but I feel that if I can’t get rid of this kind of attitude then eventually I just end up not being the friend I want to be… because I don’t know anymore how to have fun and just be relaxed without feeling bad about myself! And I can feel that my situation really affects my confidence in a sense that I feel more and more insecure about myself in my relationship. Youknow this “why should he even want to be with me…” kind of thinking and I don’t want this to become dominating!

This is one of the examples of how I’ve recently felt: I’ve been looking for a job for several months just to earn some extra next to my studies, but haven’t found anything. Many people around me are working or doing internships etc… I’ve used most of my savings and I’m dependent on my parents. Sometimes I feel that this is the reason why I feel so unconfident. But then again – I feel that there’s something more to it. Even if this particular issue would get solved, I would find another reason(s) to feel that I’m not enough – but I don’t understand what makes me feel like this. I try to tell myself that it will pass, I can save up in the future and I should use the time now on doing the things I wouldn’t have time for if I had a job. But here’s the thing: every time I start doing these things: go for a run, meet up with a friend, read a book… then something at the back of my head tells me that I don’t deserve it because I’m not even able to earn a little money. And it’s hard for me to accept the fact that after all I’m a student and I should focus on that on the first hand…

What also makes me feel unconfident is the future. I don’t know what I want to do but I’m not ready to take my master’s degree. Also, I need to think about how to correlate this situation with the relationship with my boyfriend because we both would like to finally start seeing each other more often than once in four months. It all seems impossible to solve right now, I like to think that time will tell what’s the thing to do but again – I can’t help feeling bad about myself for not being able to be relaxed about it and just enjoying the present.

It is impossible to describe how exactly am I feeling but I hope you get an idea from what I’ve written.
Sometimes I think that maybe it’s just a normal state of mind for a person in his/her 20s? That a lot of changes are about to come and that can be scary. But I feel that in my case it’s a little too extreme because I shouldn’t feel horrible about myself… I don’t know anymore how to approach my situation of where to begin with becoming the real me. I’ve tried to talk to my family and they are always doing their best and so do my friends. And for a while it helps but at some point I’m alone with my thoughts and it all comes back.

I hope you’ll understand my feelings. If you have any specifying questions, feel free to ask.
Thank you!