I’m 32 and I first came across Buddhism aged 20 years old. I found a Buddhist Centre aged 22 and from then started thinking of myself as a follower of Buddhism. My faith was mostly in the background until about 2 years ago. I had some health problems and this catalysed a renewed interest in the more religious approach to Buddhism (although I didn’t meditate cos of mental health problems).

I believed in Buddhism without really thinking about it much. Buddhism seemed to give me a sense of meaning and direction. It also helped me become more empathic/compassionate which was a huge boon to me since I have always suffered quite badly from narcissism (a problem with my mind which used to bring me down a lot and give me a very low opinion of myself).

The problem I have is, the more I got into Buddhism, the more down I started feeling. The more I was empathising with the world and considering the harsh realities of life, the less I felt at peace. I felt I was spiritually growing because I was reducing my narcissistic tendancies and focussing much more on the world around me. But I didn’t feel that this was ending my suffering in any way.
Now, I didn’t expect to end my suffering because I wasn’t meditating. But I thought that the guidance of Buddhism would give me more insight into my suffering somehow. So I became increasingly disappointed.

The real problem came when I started to think about the Buddha’s accomplishment and what kind of person he must have been to achieve moral and spiritual mastery. I had faith that he had achieved mastery, but I couldn’t understand why the Buddha said he had found full human enlightenment. It seemed like an alien concept to me. Now, knowing I’m not the brightest spark spiritually, and not the most morally adept person, I thought it must just be because of the ill-conditioning of my mind.

But the more I thought about it, the less I could conceive of there being a stage of full enlightenment that a human being might achieve during the course of their lives. And the less I had faith in Buddha that he had become enlightened in one life (since I questioned whether enlightenment can exist).

This doubt is causing me quite a lot of guilt. Plus I feel that there is a big hole in my life where Buddhism was previously. I miss the feeling of empathy which I had learned to generate for people in the world. And I miss the sense of connection to the sense that life is chiefly spiritual.

How can I get out of this mess that I have landed myself in?!
I would like to believe in Buddhism because it would be much better for my spiritual growth.
But I don’t know how to resurrect my faith.

Please help!
And thankyou for helping, by giving me advice…

Yours sincerely,
R