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    I think your sense of drift and pain from childhood are probably two separate issues and I don’t believe one is caused by another. I think everyone finds themselves drifting at some point and wandering if they’re sort of fulfilling their purpose or just existing. I’ve gone through it in my late twenties and have people around me in the same age group who are deeply disturbed and/or depressed over it. Nothing to do with abuse however I think this state of mind may be triggering memories of abuse and eventually makes you feel even worse.

    I’m not sure how to help you but I can just tell you what helped me reset myself for a lack of a better term. I walked it off on a trail in Spain. It’s called the way of saint James and it’s an old Catholic trail that dates back hundreds of years. Most people who walk nowadays aren’t religious. A lot walk to just figure things out and find themselves. You can walk alone if you want or pair up with someone every couple of days. But there are hundreds of people on it every day of the year and every single person you meat share some of the most intimate details of their life. It’s like a big therapy session. Funnily enough, a judge in Madrid orders folks involved in minor crimes to walk this trail because the person who starts it is typically a different person when they finish it. It’s a little extreme, I understand. But I always say that if there is anything I can suggest to a person that isn’t only fun but very healing it’s to do this. It makes you look at life from a different angle. And hearing what others who crossed your path are going through and why they’re walking while sharing your story is the healing journey that allows you to reevaluate your life, make peace with your fears and just get your life back in general.


    *I’m aware I have no ‘real’ crisis that threatens my life such as war or famine*

    You do not need to feel guilty and make excuses for your suffering. Actually this is the worst curse that could happen to you – having to suffer internally and with your soul, and not being able to get the compassion and understanding from other people, they even blame you for your suffering, isn’t this another hit on your sore spot? You have an emotional wound and this is an invisible “skin” aching that is not visible to other people. Sometimes even poor people in the middle of a war or having lost dear people don’t suffer, they can name their pain, give their time for socially accepted grief and move on. This is the eternal invisible suffering which is much harder to experience and to overcome. If you are already considering this, a shrink would be a good option for you. Trust me, I speak as both ex psychology student and long time patient. I can mirror your situation – being a female, emotionally abused, neglected and blackmailed by my mother, and mimicking behavior from my younger sister. I have tried really hard to change the dynamic of relationship with my mother until I found out that at her age, and when she not only don’t se anything wrong with her behavior, but also tries to place the blame on me. My sister being younger is a different story and I believe I lately can see changes in her since she turned to religion and turned her behavior from abusing people and egocentricity, to helping people in need.

Viewing 2 posts - 16 through 17 (of 17 total)

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