Dear Wendy:

It is very common for children of any age to view their childhood not in the way it was. The more scary and painful a child’s childhood, the more he or she doesn’t see it that way. The reason is that a child cannot change his parents or circumstances, so the child stops seeing what is going on and imagines it is different than what it is. Plus, the child has nothing to compare his situation to, thinking this or that it could otherwise be. And this distortion of reality lives into adulthood and often never gets corrected.

So what your boyfriend tells you about his childhood is not likely to be true. It is highly unlikely he was never criticized. Maybe he was criticized in a different way than the way he criticizes, but negatively criticized he was.

You stated that you are confused in dealing with someone who so firmly believes that his intentions are for your highest good. Can you imagine dealing with a person on a psychotic episode who is certain aliens have implanted chips in his brain? The person is absolutely sure of it. Do you believe aliens did indeed install chips in his brain?

I think you are confused because negative criticism is so common, unlike believing in aliens installing chips in one’s brain. (interestingly to me, ongoing negative criticism from another, especially in childhood, does become like a chip installed in the child’s brain, it is called “the internal critic”- operating very much like a chip)

I believe you are confused also because you are emotionally involved with him: you want it to work out with him and you are willing to give a lot of you to make it work.

Problem is giving away your sanity and sinking into confusion is too much giving, and a price that is too high to pay.

When he criticizes you again and again he is hurting your well being. Did you write before that he criticized you for not peeling potatoes correctly? What is more important: peeling a potato most effectively or feeling calm and clear (as opposed to confused and distressed?)

anita

Dear Wendy:

I like your sanity! How refreshing! And I mean it: sanity is refreshing.

And I like your spirit here: distancing yourself from his perspective so to see, restate and honor your own perspective. And it is wise for you to do so, because your perspective, as expressed above, is rooted in sanity and his- is not.

Please do think of the future: if you are intend to have children (?) sometime in the future, it will be cruel to knowingly (and you know) bring a child into a world where his father will negatively criticize the child “for his/ her own good!”

Regarding him adapting or changing: here is the secret of how you can tell if he is changing: if he starts seeing his childhood the way it was. Without you telling him this … secret. This is how you know. When he confronts the fact that he himself was harshly criticized as a child. And watch for manipulations like the silent treatment and insincere talk.

Please do keep posting.

anita