Anita,

Lets talk about my male friend issues. I remember putting it off for Gyunnie a few weeks ago, sorry for that.

I was not really comfortable putting on any kind of focus or attention to any other guys but Gyunnie, but now I am comfortable and is willing to talk to you about it. (lets refer the friend as Jake)

Jake was a friend that I have been close with for around 3 years. But we become “really” close only after I moved to Korea this year. We were already close as friends when I was dating Gyunnie, I always refer him as a friend to everyone including Gyunnie. Always.

There is NEVER a moment where I refer him as more or somehow giving him hope that HE is MORE.

To give you a background on Jake, he never fall in love with anyone for 19 years of his life. All of his relationship are “fun” relationships, or basically him picking up any girls that he thinks pretty, dates them and break up.

Jake is not a good looking guy (for me personally) – but he is popular and is a very nice person. He has quite a lot of friends, both girls and guys, but none of them really connect with him on a personal deep level except for me.

It is in my nature to build a deep friendship with someone. I do not have tons of friends, but I have a lot that I can always talk to about ANYTHING. From death to love to marriage to my parents problems, basically I love to explore and talk about deep things in life.

Here is the catch on everything, rather than me liking being admired, I still continue being friends with him because I truly like him as a friend.

I feel like his gender became the problem, not necessarily his personality. If Jake were a girl, I would still be good friends with her, and we would not have such problems. There aren’t a lot of people that I can connect deeply and personally so even one friend is precious to me.

After an improvements on my side after the whole fiasco with Gyunnie ended, my mind became a lot more cleared, I feel like I provided a few informations to you when I was very mad and defensive over someone trying to replace my ex boyfriend so the information does not seems so accurate right now.

He never actually said anything about my “pretty face” or refer me to it or even implying that he is friends with me only because of my face. It was all an assumption that I believed in my mind. Like I have told you above, I have this very negative mindset that all people can see from me are material values and superficial values, I know that they actually see me beyond that, and that is the main reason why we are good friends.

Jake sees that value as well, that he won’t get judge by me, and that I can be very open minded and straight forward when I am close with someone. My close friends are aware they they are always welcome to criticise me about anything and I won’t get offended. It is true. I accept the advice of others when I trust them.

Jake was one my friend that actually cared about me during this 4 months. He even looked up articles about depressed people to help communicate with me, Jake is a very good friend and there are a lot of times when I feel very touched and supported.

I care about Jake as a friend and as a human being, I really do.

I LOVE him as a friend and I LOVE being his friend. I feel like I had found another friend that could lasts for a lifetime thanks to my depression. That was one of the good that comes out of those 4 months, I became closer to Jake (as a friend) and I gained another diamond friend.

The problem is, I think Jake himself is very confused on his feelings about me. He had never fall in love, so he ASSUME that what we have right now is love. My friendship with him was probably his first real relationship (as a human being) that is personal, honest, loyal and constant. I get the sense that even though he has a lot of friends and even though he trusts them as well, our friendship is deeper and more accepting.

We both know that when one of us is at the lowest point, no matter how low, we will help each other. We won’t judge each other and we will definitely support each other. We have that kind of bond.

That friendship bond vs love bond is a very different bond for me.

It is almost impossible for such bond to turn into love.

I like eating both noodle and chocolate. For me noodle is Jake, and chocolate is my boyfriend. I love both but they are different and cannot be combined together.

More than that, I do not feel any attraction to Jake as well.

He is the best friend ever but he is not boyfriend material to me. Do you get what I mean by this?

When it comes to friendship, my standards are : they have to be good people , not a judgmental person, is accepting of me, is fun, is able to carry deep conversation with me. When it comes to their outer appearance, I do not care at all.

When it comes to love, my standards are : he has to be smart (smarter than me if possible), open minded, definitely have to go to a college, he has to be able to lead my future family both financially and socially, he has to treat my parents well, he has to be a logical but kind hearted guy. When it comes to their outer appearance, I care since my preference is skinny guys and guys that dresses well.

Does it makes sense to you that I love him as a friend but I hate him as a partner / boyfriend?

For me, friendship and love has a very different standards and there is a very clear line.

My first love (lets refer him to Ryan) and Gyunnie were good friends to me as well, but they have their limits as friends.

I can tell 80-90 percent of what I am feeling to my boyfriend, while when I am with my best friend, I can almost tell them 100 percent about anything.

I am comfortable with Ryan, Gyunnie and Jake for different reasons.

Ryan and Gyunnie`s support is a lot more intense, as they are biased with their love to me, my boyfriend often went out of their way to defend and help me with any problems, they are that one special person in my life because you can only have 1 boyfriend, right? While you can have a few best friends.

Jake`s support is steady and unbiased, he is not wiling to go out of his ways and lose friends just to defend me, he is willing to help but not get directly involved with my problems while my boyfriend are willing to.

That is how I see it. Jake is the perfect best friend but not a suitable partner for me.

My question are :

1. How can I make Jake understands this?

2. Jake has never directly confessed, so me bringing this out to him first would be very rude and presumptuous.

3. I have described everything in details, do you think I am wrong for having a very clear standards and put Jake on the friend-zone?

4. I still want to continue being his friends, as I like being his friend and I appreciate him as my best friend. I want him to understand what we have (as friends) is as good as a love relationship, and that i love both my friends and boyfriend in a very different way, but what I am feeling for BOTH of them are indeed love in a different perspective and aspect.

5. Even If I am attracted to him, our relationship won’t work out, our personality is way too different and I already “knew” too much about him, both bad and good things, because we have a very deep and personal relationship as friends already.

Sorry if it is too long, too much unnecessary details as well but I feel like people cannot really understand why cant I date Jake but still want to be his friend

-Monica

Anita,

I think I have mentioned it before that I confirmed his feelings for me by asking my other best friend.

I cannot ask him directly so I asked his best friend, and his best friend said that he does like me, it is just that right now he has no thoughts of “pursuing” it further since I was very focused on Gyunnie, and I make it obvious to everyone.

Almost everyone (close friends) knows that I broke up with someone and it was a very hard break up for me mentally.

Jake is not stupid to just confess everything and ruin what we “have” right now.

He knows very well that I want to marry very early and I want to date someone that is better than Gyunnie in the future as well.

Gyunnie is smarter and a lot more open minded compared to him, Jake is aware of this.

I am sure you remember about how I talked about Gyunnie like he is a God, I talked to everyone about Gyunnie like that as well, so they become emotionally invested in Gyunnie because they saw him through MY perspective.

I keep putting on the emphasis that I want to marry early and I know that he does not want to rush into marriage, so there are a lot of factors preventing him from confessing and asking me to be his girlfriend. We are very close so he knows that I will probably reject him at this point.

I know that I have to be straight forward and ask him someday.

But I am sure you know the consequences of asking and confronting him is losing him as my best friend.

Is it really worth it? I do not know.

I can sense that you feel frustrated since I have not been able to ask him directly about this, but I am not ready to lose a friend and have another change in my life.

For 4 months, my life = change.

Change is tiring and change does not always makes things better.

I know that I have to be fair and make it clear that we will never get together ever, but not now.

Maybe next year or basically when I am ready to lose a best friend like him in my life.

It is a status quo kind of situation, and you are welcome to call me “selfish” but after all I have been through, I need some stability in my life. I do not have the intention to keep this vague situation forever, someday, definitely probably next year I will talk to him about this and give him a choice to leave or to continue being my friends and only friends.

I hope you can understand, Anita.

—

This is completely unrelated to Jake but yesterday I had a very vivid dream,

I was in a classroom, I cannot really tell if it was during my high school or middle school period, but inside the classroom, there was a mix of my high school classmates and middle school classmates.

The classmates that I am very close to, people that accepts me as a human being.

It was during a music class, the teacher told one of my 2 friends, Natasha and Lyla to sing a song in front of the class, they sang a song that I can still remember even now since it was so vivid, but

No one including me were listening to their singing because we were busy preparing ourselves (by secretly reading books) underneath our table for the next exams. Memorising the things from the book and giggling.

I was seated next to my long time best friend Jessica on my left, on my right there is a guy from my middle school that I cannot remember his name somehow, and next to that guy was my first love, Ryan.

Natasha started to yell at us for not listening to her singing, me and Ryan we exchanged glanced,

and Ryan smiled at me.

The kind of smile that is so … genuine and understanding. It is like he is telling me that everything is going to be ok.

I have not seen or talk to Ryan in 3 years, the closest thing we got as a communication is through Instagram, we follow each other since around 2015/16, when he made a new account and his old acc got hacked, I was one of the first account that he followed on his new account.

Sometimes I heard about him through mutual friends and we like each other pictures but nothing more.

I notice that I will only dreams about Ryan when I feel really lonely, usually 2-3 times every year and every dreams is very intense and vivid.

They are comforting and took me back to the time and place that I want to go back the most.

The time when I was around 15/16, dating my first love, preparing my national exam, fighting with my best friends, fighting with my old math teacher, practicing for my cheerleading competition, crying over silly things, eating chicken and ice cream with Jessica in the old canteen, went to my boyfriend`s soccer match, having all my best friends held a surprise party for me during a computer class … yes, my life then must have been not perfect either but I can remember myself being happy 80 percent of the time when I was 15/16.

I will give time every single of my money if it can take me back there for only one day.

I cannot imagine how desperate my unconscious state or mind that I dream about it. I do not dream usually and when I dream it is usually weird and does not make any sense at all so I forgot about it pretty quick.

But those kind of dreams … they remind as if it had happened yesterday to me.

Will I be THAT happy again in my life, Anita?

Will I be able to somehow get back to that kind of life?

Life where I do not have any friends problems, life where I only need to worry about my math exams and getting into Ryans soccer match on time, a life where I feel like it is ok to be imperfect because being imperfect is happiness to me.

Right now, I have to think about my future husband, a husband that my parents approve of and someone that I love as well, I have to think about my responsibilities as an adult and contribute to society somehow. I have to think about earning money and a job.

I hate being put into that role … I hate being an adult.

I feel like I am not ready.

I missed my school days very much, sometimes I cry inside seeing students wearing uniform, they cannot imagine how lucky they are to have that privilege. I wish to be them everyday.

-Monica

Anita,

Wow – sorry to hear about your sister, I hope that she will get better soon.

I wonder why she did not take any of the opportunities presented to her? Sorry if it is too personal but I just cant help but wonder why?

-Monica

Anita,

Sorry too hear that, hearing your sisters story, I realise that I do not want to live my life in the past.

I have to move forward, because maybe in the future there is a bigger chance that I will be even happier than when I was 15/16, you know?

I have to give it a chance and open myself up to new opportunities as well.

Today for some reason, I think about Gyunnie, which leads me to a distressed feelings as usual.

I missed my usual bus to go back home from KU today, before I met him, I would just take the taxi if it is too late (the usual bus was already shut off for the day) but one time I was with Gyunnie, and he taught me to take another bus and get off at one stop away from my house and just take another bus from there or walk to my house.

It seems like nothing, but those are … little painful traces that Gyunnie was once with me.

He made little changes that goes unnoticed.

I for quite a long time has been considering to dye my hair platinum (as a joke in as sense because my original hair is jet black, and I do not want to ruin it) but I have been curious about dying it.

Last semester, I almost dyed it but Gyunnie told me that he did not think that it was a good idea to dye it platinum.

I debated this with him not necessarily because I really wanted to dye it but because of a few things that he said before. I asked him about how he accepts me as I am and told me stuff like outer appearance does not matter to him –  but why did he refused to gave me permission to dye my hair?

I mean I will still be me, even with platinum hair.

I am an arguer and I do not like losing, usually I would debate until I win and the other person loses, but Gyunnie gave me this answer :

Me : “You said that you do not judge people based on their appearance, why won’t you allow me to dye my hair then?”

Gyunnie : “Of course, I never judge people by their appearance but I still judge them based on their choices”

It sounded and still sounds … very cool.

I do not know why but the fact that he was able to turn over my argument, it was for the first time in my life that I truly consider what someone had said to me, besides my parents and my best friend Jessica.

I realise that at some point for 4 months, I saw him as God, and I was indeed delusional.

Now, that I live in reality, the reality stays the same, it never really change in the first place.

Gyunnie was a smart young man, and he was a nice person, he of course has also his fair share of weakness as well, and I can see them right now.

There were a few things that Gyunnie could have done better or said  better. There were a lot of things in our relationships that was not perfect and it was not something that I want to have in my next relationship, but there were also good times.

Today, in particular, I remember the good times more than I remember the bad times.

He was someone that taught me so many lessons in my life, yes, I learnt it by myself, but he in a sense indirectly helped me. If I had never met or dated him, I would be in a different place and having a different mindset.

I think that If I look back to my life in Korea someday in the far future, I would think about KU and I would think about Gyunnie.

Regardless of everything, it will be a fond memory to me.

Just today, I am sounding emotional and sad, I feel like it is a process of living in the reality to have that normal feelings of missing him but at the same time I can still live and breathe like other human beings. I can still smile and laugh as well.

Just tonight, I want to feel and accept this feelings of missing him.

I think it is normal and there is nothing wrong with it.

Am I right?

-Monica

Anita,

Yes.

I think he was referring to the fact that he never judges people based on “natural” appearances like weight, height, and face.

He also does not judge people based on their sexual orientation or preference, or your wealth.

But anything that are based on your choices, he will and still can judge you based on that.

To tell you truthfully, I know that Gyunnie was particularly fond of my hair, he was not the type of boyfriend that would compliment me on the daily basis but when I brought up the platinum hair, he immediately said about how beautiful I looked just the way I am currently, that I do not have to change anything.

I brought up it again the 2nd time on our anniversary dinner, and he told me the answer above. I was quite impressed.

I only asked him out of curiosity and I loved testing him by asking those kind of questions. We talked about a lot of deep topics like abortion, teen pregnancy, LGBT issues, political issues, racism issues – I think if you ever get a chance to talk to him, it would be very interesting.

He gave a lot of smart and interesting answers. I think it is because of his mixed culture background, there are a few things that he is conservative about, and other things he is very open about. He thinks about every single aspect logically and give an answer. I miss to have that kind of person in my life, he really did made me see things in different perspective.

I would give you another story, which change my whole perspective on the particular topic.

We were on a date, it was around 12/1am and there was not a lot of people during that time on the street. We were on our way to my house, and we noticed another couple together in the sidewalks, trying to hail a taxi.

They are apparently going into a different direction, and they managed to get one taxi, surprisingly, the guy instead of the girl went off first. I was dumb founded, I asked Gyunnie If we can stay with her (without her knowing, just sitting in a bench behind the girl) – to make sure that she gets a taxi safely, he agreed and we waited for around 15-20 minutes until a taxi came.

After the girl got her taxi, I went on a little rant about how selfish the guy was. It was late at night, he couldn’t even gave up a taxi for his girlfriend and made her wait 15-20 minutes? Yes, Korea is safe but still, she is a girl and it was just so stupid for the guy to let her waited for the next taxi like that.

Gyunnie gave me this answer :

“But Monica, the guy at that time did not know that the next taxi would be that long, right? and there is a chance that the guy lives further away than the girl, maybe 30 minutes away or maybe 1 hour further, and the quicker that he gets a taxi, the better since he can go to his house sooner. or maybe he wants to sleep on his way to his house on the taxi, so he took the first taxi.”

Gyunnie always gave those kind of answers, he always considers both sides and both perspectives. Sometimes I feel like he cares more about women rights than a women (myself) – he does not like it when I apply general stereotypes on those kind of things, like how a guy has to always sacrifice himself for the girls, or how only girls can wear a pink.

But at the same time, he is the type of guy that always pays for the first date, gave me roses on special days (even though I did not gave him roses, not even once) – the type of guy that likes it when I ask him for permission for little things like dying hair or even cutting hair (I know that it is MY hair and I am not entitled to ask for my boyfriends permission), the type of guy that does not allow me to go out drinking with any other guys except for him, the type of guy that likes it when I waited in front of his class and bring him his favourite Americano, the type of guy that would be the first person to defend me every time something upsetting happened to me.

Some of his actions contradicts because he was raised in 2 cultures Korean and Western culture. The first paragraph describes his personality and mindset influenced by Western culture, the last paragraph is his Korean culture that stayed growing up with him until now.

Sorry to give such a long and unnecessary explanation about my ex boyfriend. I just find it interesting, hope you do not find it too boring, Anita.

-Monica

Anita,

Thanks for the compliment, means a lot to me.

He did influenced the way I think a lot and helped me see things in a different perspectives.

By the way, I just need to give you a little update.

One of my close friend who is a business major gave me some news about her major.

KU`s Business School Student Council is apparently in a mess right now, after Gyunnie had resigned from his position last semester, they chose a new president for this semester, but now the new president is also resigning since he is going to study overseas for quite some time (so suddenly, for no reason at all)

A few people, around 7-8 people had also resigned in the middle of this semester as well.

I know that I literally have no business with these people anymore but it saddens me seeing KU`s most prestigious major is turning into this.

No leader, less than 20 members left to organise around 1.500 people and still counting.

I never in particular have any fond memories of student council, and I hated it a lot for giving my ex boyfriend a hard time but I do not know, I feel a bit shaken seeing it like this.

I wish that they can soon elect a new president soon and recruit some new members.

-Monica

Dear not so lost star,

I feel happy reading your feedback, thank you very much.

AND where did you learnt that aja aja hwaiting phrase? hahaha

I know that I will have a fantastic weekend in my home country, I hope everything goes well.

-Monica