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October 24, 2017 at 9:09 am #174615
AnonymousGuestDear Monica:
You are welcome. I can understand why the news distress you, “seeing KU`s most prestigious major is turning into this”- you are invested in the prestige of the university, and therefore news that hurt the prestige are distressing.
It is interesting that yet another student, Gyunnie being one to resign and leave for another university, also does the same. I wonder if there is some serious problem with the business school there, responsible for 7-8 students resigning from student council.
anita
October 24, 2017 at 9:53 am #174635
MinaParticipantAnita,
I have to admit it is deeper than that, more than the fact that I invested myself in KU in general – I invested myself in Business School because of Gyunnie.
A lot of my close friends here are Business major, Gyunnie`s seniors (Business major) knows me very well, I have a very good relationship with Business major people even now.
I was emotionally involved when Gyunnie felt stressed out about organising a snack event before the mid term, there was a huge fight whether to provide vegetarian food or not with the other student council member, and Gyunnie was restricted with a tight budget (although Business school budget has the highest budget among other major, all my major provided during snack event was some Korean traditional snacks, while Business school provided food like Burger, Sandwich, Pizza and Cola)
I helped Gyunnie ordering like 30 pans of Pizzas, and he needed to get some kind of a big discount to save budget so we had to buy it on a Tuesday and had to pick it up ourselves. Yes. 30 pans. You read it correctly.
I have mentioned how I let Gyunnie`s position as the president of student council defines me, it became my self esteem.
I was the student council president`s girlfriend. That validated me as a person.
Even now truthfully, it still validates me in a sense. Every time I feel distressed or when I do not have any confidence, I would tell myself this :
“Monica, stop embarrassing yourself and Gyunnie. Lift up your head. Straighten your shoulders. Walk. Walk confidently. You were Business School`s president girlfriend. You are his ex girlfriend now, and even though Gyunnie is no longer here, you are still here. Do not let it show, Gyunnie was liked and respected by a lot of people. By being happy and being “normal” – you are honouring Gyunnie’s legacy and reputation. You do not want people to remember Gyunnie as that president who had a crazy ex girlfriend. Stay strong. You can do this. ”
It sounds … bad probably but this mantra works for me somehow.
-Monica
October 24, 2017 at 10:05 am #174643AnonymousGuestDear Monica:
I understand how that mantra, or self talk works for you. People often do that, keep going for the sake of another person. Sometimes for the sake of someone else’s memory, as in your case. Parents say they keep going for their children, adult children keep going so to not hurt their parents, and so on.
At one point in life, if and when you feel your own value as it stands by itself, you will not need to do that. For now, you do and it works for you, so keep doing it.
anita
October 24, 2017 at 10:40 am #174649MinaParticipantAnita,
Happy to hear that you think it is ok for me to do this.
I was concerned because I feel a bit guilty for using Gyunnie (again) to help me get through a stressful period.
I feel like I should have do it for myself and only for me, not for him, you know?
I know that what I am doing right now is not exactly right and fair to myself but since it worked, I will continue to do that.
-Monica
October 24, 2017 at 10:54 am #174651MinaParticipant[MORE]
And I also want to ask you this.
Why do you always “let me” to somehow continue doing something that is not actually “right” for me?
For example when I was living inside my delusional world, I told you that I was not ready to let this fantasy world end, and you told me to take my time, slowly.
That you “let me” and told me that it is “ok” to continue living there until I was ready to face reality.
Same in this case, I use “Gyunnie” to go on when I feel distressed, and you told me that is ok to do such things.
Other people would have force me to snap out if and stop using those ways of coping but you always let me to take my time slowly, and that means a lot to me.
Instead of trying to push Gyunnie out of the picture completely, I think you understand the process of de-attaching myself from him took time, and there was no health way of de-attaching someone from another person by forcing them, you let them slowly but surely to take a small distance and steps … without removing that important figure all at once.
Regardless of your reason, thank you.
-Monica
October 24, 2017 at 11:13 am #174653AnonymousGuestDear Monica:
You wrote: “I feel like I should have do it for myself and only for me, not for him… I know that what I am doing right now is not exactly right and fair to myself”- it seems to me like the right thing to do simply because it works for your benefit and it is not harmful to anyone else. I think that there is nothing wrong with this thinking for anyone. Over time, one day, it will be nice when you see yourself as an individual entity first, and someone’s daughter, someone’s student, someone’s girlfriend etc. second, way second. Many people never get to that state of mind. You are still… not twenty yet.
Regarding your most recent post: you are welcome. Like I wrote, it is not wrong to engage in the self talk you described. As to the why- why be patient with you- because when a person is pressured, negatively judged, they close in, retreat or fight. When a person is allowed to be, what a breath of fresh air that is. It is then that a person opens up, willing to explore new possibilities. A new possibility such as seeing yourself as an individual entity first, that takes time and openness. It cannot be rushed.
anita
October 25, 2017 at 7:38 am #174745
Not_so_lost_starParticipantHi Monica,
Thanks for letting me know you felt happy reading my feedback! I wish you will find more moments of happiness and to have patience when things are seemingly gloomy 🙂
Actually I am in the same region (Asia) too 🙂 So I am quite familiar with Korean culture as well from the dramas I have watched!
Yes, your upcoming weekend does sound very awesome and filled with love! Hope everything goes well too.
October 26, 2017 at 7:16 am #174985MinaParticipantAnita,
Hi!
Today .. I feel a sense of longing.
Not the intense kind, but I just feel super lonely, and I miss talking to Gyunnie so much.
I really do want him to be happy, I do.
But I cannot deny the feelings that I miss him, and I want to be with him. So badly.
There are millions of guys out there, yet why do I keep feeling like it is going to be hard to find someone better?
It hurts me, I do not want to hang on to him, and I want to smile, I want to be happy, not because of my current situation, but because I found real love in someone and he taught me an important lesson.
A lesson worth remembering and smiling over, you know?
I know that it is in the past, and it does not exist anymore but why cant I control my own feelings?
Yes, it is my pain that I am feeling, not Gyunnie`s.
And I have to put the focus back on me, not him.
But sometimes it can be really hard to remember those advices.
-Monica
October 26, 2017 at 8:05 am #174997AnonymousGuestDear Monica:
Maybe he is still … god for you, better than anyone, superior to all, all powerful-all-loving, all-knowing, your one and only salvation.
It is hard to let go of a god.
It is hard to let go of the hope for a salvation by god. If only you worship him long enough…
This salvation fantasy is feeding itself. Did I just type fantasy? Yes, I did.
You will be flying back home in a few days, correct? That will likely be a relief for you, a high of sorts, and then you will be back at KU, the distress and the salvation fantasy.
Holding on to the memory of his words to you, of his expressions of his understanding and acceptance of you, of his approval of you is a good thing, and I hope it is that “important lesson” you mentioned in your recent post.
There is no substitute, long term, for you enduring your distress in KU, if you are to remain there. Enduring it without the temper tantrums and without the fantasy.
anita
October 26, 2017 at 8:15 am #175009MinaParticipantAnita,
Maybe he is still a God to me after all.. maybe.
You wrote : “There is no substitute, long term, for you enduring your distress in KU, if you are to remain there. Enduring it without the temper tantrums and without the fantasy.”
So you are saying that in order for me to be able to stay here at KU, I would either have a temper tantrum (maybe lashing out?) or holding on to the fantasy and memory of Gyunnie.
Am I understanding you correctly?
I need to lash out / throw a tantrum or holding on to this fantasy in order to survive here?
That explains the current situation then, that my moment of “calmness” only lasts 3-4 weeks maximum, and after that – I have to go home for a short period of time to somehow “survive” and endure things here at KU.
Please give me feedback on how can I possibly substitute long term. Maybe a new boyfriend, that is long term?
Someone that is able to stay by my side for 3 years until I finished my studies here?
-Monica
October 26, 2017 at 8:35 am #175027MinaParticipant[MORE]
I feel like there are times when it is ok, bearable for me to live here.
Not happy, but I am not really depressed.
I get through my classes just fine, I am doing well in here academically as well.
All I have right now is my parents, I am not feeling so alone anymore because my parents understands and supports me through this.
I am not sure If I can last from November 6th until December 25th, can I handle the distress between those time?
I feel bad asking for another plane ticket to go back home between those time, I feel so … weak. It is not even 2 months yet I do not have the confidence that I will survive.
I do not know what to do, I will probably have to talk to my father as well regarding this.
-Monica
October 26, 2017 at 9:14 am #175045AnonymousGuestDear Monica:
What I meant by “There is no substitute, long term, for you enduring your distress in KU”, is that without having a new boyfriend, without having your parents visit or you visiting them, or in-between such visits, when you feel very uncomfortable, distressed, it is then that you need to endure that distress, that discomfort without panicking, without lashing out, without resorting to fantasy.
At those times, enduring the distress means to feel it and do nothing.
If you don’t experience this, what I wrote in the line right above, then there will be no progress, only a going back and forth between reality and fantasy, distress and relative calm, on and on and on. It is a way to go, you can graduate this way, but it will continue to be very… turbulent.
anita
October 26, 2017 at 9:33 am #175049MinaParticipantAnita,
You wrote : “when you feel very uncomfortable, distressed, it is then that you need to endure that distress, that discomfort without panicking, without lashing out, without resorting to fantasy.”
I understand the concept, but how can I do this?
How can I control this really intense feeling of distressed that comes in every 3-4 weeks consistently?
All that I have been doing this time to “control” the distress is either by lashing out or by making up another comforting fantasy, as if the Gyunnie’s fantasy was not enough, I even dreamt of my first love … my mind always resorted to “fantasy” every time I feel the amount of intense distressed that I cannot mentally handle.
You wrote :”during the distress means to feel it and do nothing.”
So, I have to ignore the feeling of distress?
But how can I ignore something so intense and pushing me to my limits?
The real reason why I resorted to the fantasy in the first place is because my mental is not strong enough to somehow handle it.
I feel lost about this.
-Monica
October 26, 2017 at 9:59 am #175055AnonymousGuestDear Monica:
I don’t mean to ignore the distress. Resorting to fantasy is ignoring the distress. What I mean is to notice the distress, to relax and … invite it into your awareness. I have felt distress this very morning, so I will do right now what I am suggesting that you do.
I looked away from the computer for a few moments, and took a few easy breaths (before I was holding my breath).
Again, away from the computer, I felt the sadness I was ignoring earlier, distracting myself from earlier… I was tense before, now I feel calmer. I feel calmer because I allowed myself to feel sad. I accepted it and stopped fighting against it, stopped rejecting it. I relaxed into sadness.
anita
October 27, 2017 at 10:38 am #175225MinaParticipantAnita,
So by lashing out and turning into fantasies, I am rejecting the distress, correct?
-Monica
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