November 30, 2018 at 10:14 am #267081
I couldn’t think of the appropriate topic title, but that one just kept coming to me.
I live with someone who was my friend first. In the last almost year, I have learned more from her about the person I DON’T want to be than anything else – she has served to be my most intense mirror. I have watched her do, be and say things that I realized was so ugly and nasty and DAMN I’ve been that way! I have done a complete change in who I am because of it and for that, I am extremely grateful despite how hard.
I lost my job earlier this year and decided to start my own business instead of going back to a regular 9-5 (huge and extremely scary and I am still freaking out over whether to listen to my fear over my heartcalling). Her presence has been nothing but constant judgment and zero support. Outside of our apartment, I have nothing but tons of family/friends/even strangers who support and believe in me.
Not only that, but she got back together with her boyfriend who lives hours away. I have been nothing but supportive and happy for her as I know she is the type of person who CANNOT be alone (it’s sad and I’ve tried to help, but that is just who she is). She brought up to me last night that they’re wanting to live together (again, so happy for her!). I stated that it was completely fine if he found a job in our town and stayed with us. Her response was “great yeah it would help us all financially and also give you time to find a place.” Uhhhh. (we signed this lease together and split it completely down the middle). I stated to her that I never planned to go anywhere. (Why would I? She’s making this change, why would I have to take the trouble and money to leave? I LOVE this place).
Finally to my point and reason for advice: Do I fight this? Do I waste even more of my energy to pushback? OR do I let her “win” and just bow out gracefully, leaving this amazing apartment (and also our friendship) behind? There is so much more to this person and story, but LONG STORY LONG, her energy and presence exhausts me. I am an extreme empath, I am VERY self aware and take ownership where I know I need to. She is the opposite. A young soul. Do I take the higher road and just go? ANY advice would be lovely!November 30, 2018 at 10:48 am #267091
You asked: “do I let her ‘win’ and just bow out gracefully, leaving this amazing apartment …. Do I take the higher road and just go?”
My answer: no. My reasons:
1. In the situation you described, leaving the apartment to her is not taking the “higher road”. It is taking the lower road, that of submitting to a dishonest manipulation and selfishness. Dishonest manipulation because she didn’t ask: will you move out. She stated that you will. Selfish because she focused on her self interest alone, not considering yours and being okay with her self interest being served at your expense.
2. Friendship with a person acting for her self interest at your expense is unwise. There is no friendship worth keeping to protect or maintain by leaving the apartment gracefully.
anitaNovember 30, 2018 at 10:54 am #267095
Thank you so much for your response. You are right in her manipulation and selfishness – it is who I have learned she is. The first real “control freak” I’ve ever met ha. I have known for a bit of time now that whenever we do part ways from living together, whenever and however that may be, that I no longer want her energy around me. It is too draining and not “my people” at all.
I know there is no argument there as far as who should leave, OBVIOUSLY she should yanno seeing as how this is all her choice. I want to stand my ground in that, ha ha wait why would you think I would be the one leaving?, but part of me does feel like I don’t have the desire to fight it if it came to.
I genuinely feel bad for the girl. She lives in such misery within herself and if we didn’t live together, I would tell her exactly that. But to keep the peace, I exhaust myself and keep my mouth shut.
Again, thank you for your response, I truly appreciate it.November 30, 2018 at 11:30 am #267107
You are welcome. You wrote: “But to keep the peace, I exhaust myself and keep my mouth shut”. As far as who is moving out, there is no war yet, is there? She stated what she stated and that is all that happened, correct?
If this is all that happened and you accommodate her manipulation so easily, this is not a good thing because going through life accommodating others to avoid any and all conflict will bring you lots of misery. I wonder if she stated that you will move out because she is used to you doing what she wants you to do, so she didn’t even bother asking?
anitaDecember 3, 2018 at 11:12 am #267607
Yes, all she did was state what she stated in a suggestion for me to move out which in response I pretty much brushed it off with a “oh, no I never planned to go anywhere.” And that was that. I do not want to even turn it into an actual discussion to which she would think that would be a consideration.
You are right in that I am very passive of her and her way of being. I learned more this year from her and her way of being, than I have in any situation in my entire life. She is such a sad and miserable person to her core, that that is what spills out of her in all aspects of her life. Her relationships (and lack there of) with “friends”/family/etc make so much more sense to me now than it did before. I am the complete opposite of a person, the type I know she wishes she was, and I know that bothers her. I feel bad for the girl.
The “keeping the peace” thing is solely because there is no mutual ground with her. She is the most inconsiderate person I’ve ever known. I am not a pushover in any sense, not with anyone in my life. With her however, I see her and her energy being brought into my life as a test for me. To see if I will stoop down to her level, or to rise up and send her love and forgiveness and move on.
The living situation is so toxic that at this point I really do kind of want to leave ha. BUT I will stand my ground as far as not going anywhere if the time came that her bf was going to move in – they’d have to leave.December 3, 2018 at 12:30 pm #267623
Reads to me that it is not a good idea for her boyfriend to move in. You wrote earlier that you told her that it is fine with you if he stayed with the two of you, but is it not a bad idea, having double that “Dark Energy”?
And if it is a bad idea, can you go back on your offer that he moves in?
I will be back to the computer in about fifteen hours.
anitaDecember 3, 2018 at 1:18 pm #267625
I took her having him come as in just for a little until they found a place, I had no idea she was meaning for him to move in and me move out hah caught me COMPLETELY off guard. She would never move him in expecting to keep the situation like that; it would either be him move in completely and me move out, or her move out. I am not going to move out so she will just have to go, even though I voiced it being cool that he comes to stay for a bit.
All it boils down to is me having to live with this intense negative energy until the next step happens – whatever that may be. There’s nothing I can say that would change her behavior and energy she brings. It is really effecting me but I am trying to stay strong – knowing no outside force should effect my state of being. It is challenging however, when you live with the person.
Thanks so much for always responding.December 4, 2018 at 5:59 am #267687
You are very welcome. You wrote: “knowing no outside force should effect my state of being”- I don’t think it is possible for an outside force or person to not affect how we feel when exposed to that force or person. Let’s say the force is a strong wind, we can do our best to not be blown away, but at best we will succeed but get exhausted staying put and we may lose our hat. And if the wind lasts too long, we will get too tired at one point and be blown away. When the force is a person that distresses us, we can do our best to continue to function well in life but we will get exhausted doing so, not be as functional as otherwise, and as time goes on become less and less functional.
And so, I do hope the situation resolves soon enough.
I was wondering about something: in the beginning of your original post you wrote that you learned from her about the person you don’t want to be, that she served as your “most intense mirror”, that you “watched her do, be and say things that I realized was so ugly and nasty and DAMN I’ve been that way! I have done a complete change in who I am because of it”-
You wrote that she is judgmental, not supportive, manipulative, selfish, a control freak, inconsiderate and more: “constant judgment and zero support…the type of person who CANNOT be alone… A young soul… manipulation and selfishness… the first real ‘control freak’ I’ve ever met… lives in such misery within herself… a sad and miserable person to her core, that is what spills out of her in all aspects of her life. Her relationships (and lack there of)… She is the most inconsiderate person I’ve ever known”
If she was your most intense mirror, does it mean that you were those thing, quoted right above) and because of seeing your reflection in her, you changed (“I have done a complete change in who I am”)?
anitaDecember 4, 2018 at 3:25 pm #267841
In terms of the qualities I listed about who she is “judgmental, not supportive, inconsiderate, etc.”, those qualities are not my mirror – they do however make me VERY aware to never be that way towards anyone, even though I am not. In the past, I had a tenancy to become irritable easily over simple things and quick to react, stress VERY hard and give myself so much anxiety over situations that really aren’t that big of a deal, wouldn’t let go/practice non-attachment very easily with simple things, etc. Watching her in moments such as those, really spoke to me. Where I once saw little nuisances as an “end all be all”, I learned that I’ve witnessed someone doing that constantly with things that of course in the end would be fine. It stressed me out watching her go through these extreme ups and downs that were not even necessary to go through at all. I went from being an easily filled with anxiety person, to much more calm, knowing/seeing it never helps any situation. But it took me really witnessing this on a daily basis of someone else, to learn. And for that, I am thankful.December 5, 2018 at 4:49 am #267925
So the part of her that was your mirror was this: “become irritable easily over simple things and quick to react, stress VERY hard… over situations that really aren’t that big of a deal.. go through extreme ups and downs… easily filled with anxiety person”-
So these things are what you meant by “so ugly and nasty” (I have watched her do, be and say things that I realized was so ugly and nasty and DAMN I’ve been that way!”)-
I know being anxious and irritable and so forth is very uncomfortable and distressing, but what is the ugly and nasty part of it?