Hi everyone. Really personal information here—I don’t have many people to talk to, and I’m hoping to find some help here.

I’m 26—I met my boyfriend (32) almost exactly one year ago at a friend’s wedding, and we hit it off right away. We spent the entire night together, and continued texting and calling one another well after the night we met (we lived in a separate states).He has a son (super awesome, 2 years old, the best baby), and was super honest about everything with me from the beginning. After a few weeks of talking long distance, he came to visit me, and three times more after that. Each weekend he was there was like magic, and we both shared how strong our feelings were for one another. We both thought we found our person… and I’m not normally someone who believed in that, but meeting him changed my mind.

Over the next few months, we talked everyday, 2 hour phone conversations at night, constant texting, etc. I was working a temporary gig in a city a few states away, and come February my contract ended.  I was debating moving to be with him—but he lived in LA, a city I used to live in, but really disliked. And yet, something strong was pulling me to him, and so I went and visited to try the city a second time. As I was gearing up to go back, I was contacted by a friend for interview for my dream job—her company was moving from NY to LA and she wanted to know if I was interested (she knew I no longer lived in LA, and had no idea I was dating someone, so this felt really serendipitous.) I came back, met his son, loved his son, loved his neighborhood, got the job, and felt like everything was perfect.

We didn’t move in together, though he wanted to, because I wanted to be close to work and his house was still full of things from his son’s mother (they lived together for a year, even when broken up.) Their relationship isn’t great—they were dating for four months when she got pregnant, and they broke up shortly after their son was born. I’ve met her, and we’re cordial. She says she likes me, and I totally respect her as the baby’s mother. I read all the websites and books and am earnestly trying to do this right.

The first few months of my boyfriend and I being together in LA were amazing—but since the end of July, I’ve started to feel a little bit anxious about our relationship. One, his ex keeps changing where she wants to live, and the idea of planning my whole life around another woman is NOT something I want to do. My boyfriend is of the same mind, and assures me that he will take care of us—he makes a good living, and currently provides for him and the babe, as his ex has no income. She is currently getting her degree, so we’re staying in California for that, but I’m worried that she’ll dictate so much of what we do with our lives. I’m a writer, and my boyfriend is FULLY supportive—amazingly, unquestionably so—and I can work from wherever, but I don’t want to be dragged all over the country.

Two, I have no idea how to date someone with a kid without feeling selfish. My boyfriend gets upset when I turn down invitations to spend time with him and his son—which is pretty rare. I love this little babe, and I love playing with him/making him dinner/singing him songs. That being said, I also love my alone time and having time to stay home and write or read by myself. He calls us a “little family” which I love, but I’m also afraid of stepping on the mom’s toes, and I want it to be clear that I’m not this kids mother. Furthermore, I’m wondering if I’m even cut out to be a stepmother. I really thought I could handle it at first, but now that I’m learning more and dealing with new feelings of jealousy and frustration, I don’t know if I can. For instance, my birthday is coming up and without asking me, my boyfriend planned a night with him and his child at his house. (He DID plan something just us for the next night, but still). Is this something I should want? Am I not cut out for this role because I’d rather have a night in the city, just me and my boyfriend? I’m afraid of bringing stuff like this up without hurting my boyfriend’s feelings…I’ve never seen someone so loving toward their child. He’s an amazing father… It’s one of the things I love about him.

All of this anxiety is making me question the relationship, and therefore I’m being so sensitive to everything that he does or says and we get into little fights. I can’t be present, focus on work. Writing all this, it makes me feel like a terrible person, and think it’s obvious that I’m not ready to handle this and that I shouldn’t be wasting my boyfriend’s time or building attachment to his son… But a part of me still has faith in us. We’re so compatible, such good chemistry, really supportive of one another, and we’re both willing to fight for one another. I want us to be forever, I want to feel good and ready about having a stepson–I really do think we an have a beautiful co-parenting family…. but this is getting so hard I’m wondering if my feelings are blinding me from reality. Of these are problems now, won’t they get worse? What about when we have children? Am I being fearful or honest with myself?

We’re thinking about moving in together, and his son is getting older and more attached, so I feel like I need to make a decision soon. Can anyone here shed some light on this situation, or provide some third party perspective?

Thank you so much.