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This topic contains 41 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 day, 5 hours ago.

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  • #284043

    lisa
    Participant

    Hello, I was wondering what advice you might have for a 58 yr old Female , no  children, who has difficulty with Committed Relationships?

    My latest relationship ended, after about 15 months.  There were some issues, but my main ‘problem’ is I get anxious with committing to dates.  I don’t like feeling trapped, and I worry all day about having to be someplace at a specific time.  I don’t know why I have this issue.  If I’m tired after work, I don’t want to go to dinner and dancing, but I hate having to cancel a date.  Maybe I shouldn’t agree to go on the date initially, right?  I’m on a dating website, and I’ve indicated on my profile that I am interested in dating and fun.  I don’t mention marriage or living together, both of which I’m open to, but not looking for.  I do want to be in a relationship, but the men I meet, want more than just weekend dating.  They like going out once or twice during the week, also.

    I do enjoy having an intimate connection with someone.  A special person to date, travel with, spend holidays and share important, events.  I am very independent, and have lived alone for most of my life.  My time is my own, and I have a daily routine that I like.

    Thanks for reading, I hope to get some helpful insight and feedback here, thanks again, lisa

    #284109

    anita
    Participant

    Dear lisa:

    I understand you feeling uncomfortable and distressed with dates during your working week, being tired after work, being used to your weekday routine and your time being your own. I therefore suggest that you arrange  for first dates with men you communicate with on the dating sites on weekends only, time and place that are convenient for you.

    If you meet a man you like on a Saturday, meet him again Sunday, and then the Saturday after. Over a few such dates, you may want to see him on a weekday, because you like him so much and find yourself energized after a workday at the thought of meeting with him.

    Regarding living together and getting married, that is later, after you like the man on the weekends, and if and after you want to see him sometimes on weekdays, and if you have a meeting of the minds, over time, a compatibility of values and so forth.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  anita.
    #284115

    lisa
    Participant

    Thanks Anita,  My most recent relationship was great in many ways.  However, as issues arose, I think I ignored some initial reactions, because I wanted it to work.  I think, in light of these things, I didn’t like him as much, but enjoyed the dates, travel, concerts etc…so I was less likely to want to get together during the week? I do want a special man in my life, I just find it hard to trust my instincts with whom I choose, and how to blend two adult lives together.

    lisa

    #284123

    anita
    Participant

    Dear lisa:

    You are welcome. If you really like a man, you will probably want to see him sometime during the week in the comfortable setting  of home, in addition to the weekend “dates, travel, concerts etc.”, having a simple dinner at home, watching a movie.

    It takes time to know a person, and being 58 doesn’t change this fact, it takes time. To “blend two adult lives together” will make sense only if you know the man well and he knows you, if the two of you are always respectful of each other, assertive with each other (not passive, or passive-aggressive or aggressive), and if at least at times you feel empathy for each  other.  It is also very important to want the same things from a relationship and being able to communicate honestly and clearly with each other.

    Regarding a previous relationship you wrote: “as issues arose, I think I ignored some initial reactions, because I wanted it to work”- for the purpose of a relationship working, better not ignore any significant issue and communicate about it honestly and clearly as soon as possible after an issue arises.

    anita

     

    #284133

    Jaclynn
    Participant

    Hi Lisa,

    You said the main issue is “getting anxious committing to dates”. My question is, what’s the worst part about having to be at a some place at a specific time for you?

    All my best,

    Jaclynn

    #284137

    Amanda
    Participant

    Hello,

    I was wondering I could get an outsiders input. I was in a 9-month relationship with someone I thought I was going to marry. We got along better than I’ve before. He has a daughter with another woman and before Christmas, she told him that she wanted to try to work things out with him. I found out at the beginning of this year and broke up with him. A few weeks ago we started talking and spending time together but I lashing out at him for hurting me and he is getting overwhelmed. He said time is the best thing for us now. I’m not sure if should move on or give us the time to heal and face the issues.

    Thank you,

    #284179

    Jaclynn
    Participant

    Hi Amanda,

    You mentioned his daughter’s mother wanting to work things out with him, what about him, what does he want? Was this an out of the blue thing from her, or has this been an on and off sort of thing?

    Jaclynn

    #284189

    Amanda
    Participant

    Hi Jaclyn,

    He wasn’t sure at first, but now he knows trying to make things work would be a horrible decision. They had a very toxic relationship and he know it would damage the relationship he has build with his daughter. She started talking about working things out after she found out I was going to Texas with him and his daughter. It was a trip they planned taking when they were together right before they broke up.

    #284193

    Mark
    Participant

    Amanda,

    This is a discussion threat about Lisa’s issue.

    It can too confusing by posting about your issue on the same thread.

    Please create another posting for your issue.  This way you, Lisa, and the rest of us won’t get confused about the responses.

    Thanks,
    Mark

    #284195

    lisa
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, Amanda, Jaclyn and Mark.  I respect your opinions.

    I guess the part of not wanting to be at a certain place at a certain time goes to saying ‘yes’ to things I think I should do, as opposed to what I want to do?  I really like to be in control.  My parents relationship was not healthy, and as a child, I remember thinking “I will never let myself get trapped in a relationship that is so awful” (verbal and emotional abuse, Dad to Mom).  I know, I’m 58!  Get over it.  I guess I need to understand it that’s part of my fear of commitment, and/or how to progress beyond this.

    I have met some great people, and I’ve been the reason these relationships have ended.  However, sometimes I think I’m not great at judging what are the ‘must haves’ compared to ‘icing in the cake’ as far as characteristics (and personality quirks) that are priorities to me.

     

    #284275

    anita
    Participant

    Dear lisa:

    The fear of being trapped in a relationship- I know this fear very well and I think it is quite common. It makes a lot of sense to me that your experience as a child is.. well, still your experience. Most of us keep living the same childhood experience lifetime. We don’t “Get over it” because we are at a certain age.

    As a child, you arrived at the decision: “I will never let myself get trapped in a relationship that is so awful“, because your experience in your childhood home, witnessing the “verbal and emotional abuse” by your father, was an awful experience for you. You were not an objective witness to such abuse. As children we have great empathy for our parents, so you experienced the abuse by proxy. Plus, a child gets very scared when there is abuse in the home, even when the abuse is not aimed directly at a child.

    anita

    #284279

    lisa
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, Do you have any suggestions how I go about being vulnerable with someone?  I’ve been told I’m a private person.  This is true with acquaintances, but not with close friends (which seems normal).  I probably should figure out how to heal from the abuse by proxy I felt.  I remember feeling sorry for, and angry with, my mom for staying, and being treated so badly.

    #284283

    anita
    Participant

    Dear lisa:

    You are welcome. First, you have to meet a man who is worthy of your trust because “being vulnerable” to an untrustworthy man is a bad idea. So you learn about the man gradually, over time, in different contexts before you get deeply emotionally involved with him. A friend first, boyfriend/ lover- later.

    The anger you felt at your mother for staying, you still feel this anger and it fuels your staying-away behavior, staying away from intimate relationships, being that “private person”.

    How intense is this anger, will you tell me how strong it has been?

    anita

    #284293

    Mark
    Participant

    Lisa,

    Trust and vulnerability takes a lot of practice and sometimes therapy.  Have you tried therapy?  I wonder if you ever had a relationship that you felt not boxed in, vulnerable and trusting?

    Mark

    #284339

    lisa
    Participant

    No, I haven’t tried therapy related to this issue.  Also, no, I can’t remember, when a relationship got serious, that I did not feel boxed in.  I’ve had long term relationships, but I’m always more anxious that when I am single.  I enjoy being in a relationship, so it would be nice to be able to not stress over it.

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