I’m going to start this one off by saying I am a very emotional and sensitive individual. I feel the need to say this because (as usual) I am wondering if I am overreacting to this problem, or if it is really as big as I feel it is.
I got into a relationship with a guy around 3 months ago -we are both 20 and at university. I am the type of person to fall in love very quickly and very hard and it took little time for me to realise he is the same. He told me he fell in love with me two days after our first date. He has never had a girlfriend before and never even kissed anyone before me. He never really knew how to interact with girls and spent most of his time at home studying- he has amazing grades and built good friendships with guys but never girls – he mentioned he was simply ‘not interested’ in anyone before me.
From the very beginning, he would often zone out from where we are and go into his little world – at this point no matter how much I joked or tried to pull him back he would nod and look away/go on his phone etc. I told myself at the beginning this was due to his nervousness – I always noticed he was very nervous with me at the beginning of it all. However, 3 months later,I am beginning to notice this is probably not something that will go away. I get the feeling he has gotten used to his time alone and knows how to be alone very well, and maybe he is still getting to grips with what to do around a girlfriend. He doesn’t feel the need to be around people to feel energised whereas I am the complete opposite, an extrovert who needs to socialise to feel ok and alive. So most of the time, when we are together, I will end up doing all of the talking, I will be jumping around him very energised and hyper as usual and he would often (not always, but most of the time) will just simply nod and crack half a smile at me and not join in. This hurts because I really feel as though I am the one bringing all the energy into the relationship, and his often monotone personality really drags me down and makes me feel drained – because of this, a lot of the time we spend together we end up ‘relaxing’ because he’s not energetic most of the time, and while I may be he ends up pulling me down to his level.
One very important thing to bear in mind is that he has grown so much ever since we began dating – he’s started to talk to people more and socialise in situations where I would never see him socialise. I am so happy that I have helped him realise the importance of friendships and he said he is very thankful I have helped him through this.
Recently, I was very upset about certain feedback I got given at uni and he saw I was upset – like usual, he said ‘oh’ and didn’t do much about it so I left. I didn’t see him until later that day so I spent the whole day crying, thinking he doesn’t care about me enough to even ask what’s wrong. I realised it was time to bring up the issue and discussed it with him that I feel he is being very unenthusiastic about us and I don’t feel he is ever excited to see me or spend time with me. Poor guy ended up crying so much his whole face turned red – his lips quivering he told me he loves me so much and hates that I see him this way. He told me about the way he’s been brought up and how his dad has always hid his emotions and that the one thing he is most scared of in life is turning into him. He also told me that whenever I am upset, he doesn’t know what to do and is so scared of doing something wrong he doesn’t do anything at all. I know he is not emotionless – in our 3 months together we have cried together 3 times, more than he has cried all his life he says. He says that he is not transparent like I am and often has a wall put up between the way he truly feels and how he shows himself to feel.
After this talk he definitely seemed to be making more of an effort in terms of excitement – he’s always very happy to see me, but still, when he gets tired or something he ends up shutting me out again, hardly acknowledging what I say and not even making conversation with me. I got upset over this again yesterday and I feel that maybe I am not helping the situation since I find myself to be so so scared that he won’t get better and we’ll just have to break up. I love him with all of my heart – he is a really great person and I so wish to be a part of his life – but now, whenever I think about the future or when I will see him next I get a sick feeling in my stomach, wondering if he will talk to me or shut me out again. I don’t think talking to him about it helps because he seems to do it again and again, maybe he doesn’t realise? I don’t even know if I am asking too much either. I know he loves me, that is not a worry of mine at all. He is very caring and always notices the smallest things – he always remembers things I have said even months ago and never makes a promise he can’t keep.

I would appreciate any advice anyone has, I have hardly had any sleep and can’t get my mind off of an issue to do with my boyfriend, ever. I think I still am nervous around him and could let go a little bit , which I am slowly working on also. I understand being in third year at university is a stressful time for both of us, but as of right now, it feels like effort to be with him because I always have to have the conversation flowing and provide energy for both him and myself. All I want to do is laugh with him and feel relaxed and excited! He is my best friend and I feel I can tell him anything – if he were shutting me off at all times and being unenthusiastic and emotionless there would be no question about what to do. However, what troubles me is that one day everything is perfect and we are on the same level and laughing, and other days it feels off and sad.

• This topic was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Fruzsina.