October 6, 2014 at 2:10 pm #66055SilkyParticipant
I know this is probably a common topic here and I think I’ve seen some articles about this too. But I have been feeling very lonely for a long time. I posted in the relationship forum if you want to get some background information.
But in a nutshell, my ex dumped me on 9/26/13 – 2 days before she was supposed to move into an apartment we got together. My life got turned upside down since then. Our relationship was only 9 months, but intense, passionate, hot / cold, and I thought we really loved each other. During the good times, I never felt better. It was like a high. We even were planning on getting married.
We tried unsuccessfully to get back together in April/May, but due to her friends and family “freaking out” they forbade her from seeing me.
She was very depressed and suicidal when we started talking again and I offered my help, which she refused. She had a room available for her and it was paid for in my (our) apartment. Well, she stopped talking to me in May and I now know why.
She has a BF. She is unemployed and lives at home at 32. She’s a hardcore atheist and he’s a previous ex of hers who’s a reverend.
I’m saying all of this because I still haven’t found anyone. It’s taken me over a year to get where I am at now and I am not 100% over things. I am very, very close though. My confidence was completely shattered when she broke up with me. I realized I was very codependent and relied on her being happy for my own happiness. I know this has been an issue with me for some time, perhaps even since I was a kid. My ex is very pretty and I am guessing that really works for her in her favor to find someone. Please forgive me for saying that, but I do believe it’s true. I’ve always noticed a lot of guys “hovering” around her when we were together.
A couple of really good things happened to me recently: In July, I got a new job at a company I like with people I like. My last one I hated. Last Thursday, I moved out of the apartment that my ex and I got together after a year of being stuck there. It sucked, because I was reminded every day that she is not there and there was an empty bedroom. I got a 1 bedroom in my old neighborhood, literally about 100 feet from my old apartment, so I am happy to be back there.
I have a good, steady job that pays pretty well. I live on my own. I’m still working on my happiness but I just feel so lonely. Everyone says work on yourself, get back into your hobbies, go out and spend time with friends and meet new people. I have been doing that.
But nothing seems to be able to satisfy the things that come along with having a girlfriend. I miss the obvious: sex and intimacy, physical touch, emotional bonding, doing activities together, waking up in bed together and getting breakfast, cuddling, watching movies together, listening to music together, dancing with each other, cooking dinner with each other. Being there and supporting each other in good and bad times. I cannot get those feelings doing things by myself. Even things that I love to do.
And yes, I am upset my ex has someone. I’m very surprised she was able to find someone in her emotional, financial, and employment state. Yeah, I was ready to help her but we have a history together. She’s able to do the things that I said above with someone else. I miss doing those things with my ex.
How can doing things alone that enrich your life satisfy those things I mentioned? I just turned 40 and don’t want to be alone forever. I’m trying to maintain a positive attitude. And I’ve having zero luck on dating sites. I am meeting some single women but they usually end up being women that don’t interest me. I do admit that I still compare them to my ex a little bit, and I know that’s wrong. I am trying to open up myself to different types of women.
Anyway, any suggestions I am open to.
October 6, 2014 at 8:08 pm #66059BelleParticipant
- This topic was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Silky.
Hi Silky 🙂
firstly, I hope you are having a nice day today. Have you tried starting something new? maybe joining a group or hobby that really interests you? you may find that by doing something you are really passionate about, you are not only having an awesome time! but you are going to meet like minded people who share the same interest! always a good starting point!
when I lost my partner I started doing kick boxing, something I had always wanted to do. I have met so many new people who are amazing and on my level due to same interests being shared. not sure if you have already tried this out but maybe you could give it a go?
as for you ex being pretty and having lots of men hovering around her – EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL TO SOMEONE. you too will find your person!
a Gentleman in my workplace who is 45 has just met the love of his life this year! he said he now understands why it never worked with anyone else and hes never been happier. Age is not a time limit to finding love! keep your head high and your heart open and you too will find love.
love and light
ChristieOctober 6, 2014 at 9:29 pm #66062louiseParticipant
If you chose such a person, your values are based on feelings using one another, that is not love.
next time you meet someone dont jump in bed, get to know the nature of a person first.
then marry her, not the other way or you will be on the merry go round making the same mistake over and over again.
go to fhu.com it will help you to understand yourself.
louiseOctober 7, 2014 at 3:33 am #66074CodeeParticipant
Sorry you are stuck in the state of loneliness. You would find that this experience is not unique to you and most of us experience this at some point in life. Having said that it doesnt make your experience any less painful than others. I dont think I am qualified in giving advice cos sometimes I too feel the way you feel.
Have you heard of pema chodron? She described 6 kinds of loneliness….I think its worth reading. Meditation is also good too. When our mind drifts one thing we can trick our mind is to stay at present, observe your surrounding, what colour is the sky (blue obviously except if you live in the UK its mostly grey :D) and its ok too when your mind drifts away to think about the past you just have to keep catching it and come back to present. You will also find that when you think about your ex some other thoughts intervene like – what should i have for lunch….:D
Its sad when relationship fails, I recently lost a friend who I thought would stay in my life for a long time but we didnt get past one season! Its sad but at the same time if you love the person, if they decide to move on without you, you need to let them go. That doesnt mean you dont love them or they dont love you, we just have the future without each other and really thats all that is.
Face your fear of loneliness, be a warrior….
I am still trying myself – I got good and bad days….today I want to make it a good day 🙂
Peace & Love
PeddieOctober 7, 2014 at 8:39 am #66080louiseParticipant
You are listening to a demon that has made a home in you and it thinks through you.
Tell it to go back where it comes from and it will leave. It only has the power that you give it.
go to “antidoteforall”
it will give you peace of mind. It is a meditation and it is free.October 8, 2014 at 1:49 pm #66134SilkyParticipant
Thanks for everyone’s posts except Tom Dagger. I’m not even going to reply to your post. I don’t know why Belle got flagged. He/She was trying to help.
@Belle – Yes, I’ve tried new things and even joined a few Meetup.com groups. The thing is, none of those things satisfy my desire to be with a woman and to be in a relationship. There all good while I am single but I’d like to do those things with a GF.
I never had any women hovering around me. I guess I was attractive to my past GFs but I never was considered “hot” like my ex.
Patience is definitely something I need to work on but something about turning 40 did something in my mind. It all of a sudden makes me feel like I have less time on this earth than I did before turning 30.
@Louise – I am not sure what you mean. I did love my ex and the relationship did move fast, I admit. I did not use her but I think she used me. I really was very much in love with her. I think my mistake was investing to much emotions in her and also my own happiness. I guess I didn’t really get to know the real her. The thing is, I am not sure she even knows that. My therapist says she’s a “chameleon”.
@Codee – no I haven’t heard of pema chodron. I will look her up. Thanks for the info. Meditation keeps coming up over and over but for some reason I am resistant to it. I think it’s because I’ve tried it several times and I don’t think I am doing right or it doesnt’ feel like it’s doing anything. I have a very obsessive mind that has a lot of intrusive thoughts. My mind also races. It’s hard to keep it quiet.
I’ve tried being the observer. I don’t know why it’s so hard. I start to do it and the next thing I know, I am back to obsessing again. I guess I have to keep trying over and over again. It’s difficult for me.
I know I need to let my ex go. My brain knows this and all that’s logical and real. It’s my heard that is so powerful that overrides what I know is fact with emotions that keep me hanging on.
@Louise – I will look up antidoteforall – thanks!