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Dealing with moody jealous boyfriend

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Poppyxo 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #178989

    Ina
    Participant

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for just 2 months but we have known each other for a couple of years. He is also a few years younger than me. We are both long-term Buddhist practitioners but strangely, this does not keep us from being controlled by basic afflictive emotions. He has a very busy life and constantly stressed out. When he is stressed out he is extremely moody and either tries to pick up an argument for a trivial reason (like why am I wearing make-up….someone could find me too attractive) or he completely withdraws and ignores me. And when we argue then it usually ends in tears on my part because he just gets to mad and mean, and I feel hurt. I hate it when he ignores me for a long time, but he expects me to be available at all times. I really love him very much and I certainly want to be with him, but I need to find a way to deal with my own emotions and reactions towards him when he gets moody or cold like an ice-block. I’m also a quite sensitive person, I probably already feel someone’s emotions even if they are trying to hide them. Maybe a less sensitive person wouldn’t find that this is a big deal and just shrug it off, but when I really love someone I just get hurt very easily and it doesn’t help if the other person is also super sensitive and moody. I get a lot of advice from a mundane perspective but I’m more looking for some advice from a Buddhist, compassionate yet assertive, perspective. Thank you!

    #179105

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ina:

    I will aim at a “compassionate yet assertive, perspective” response to your thread: when your boyfriend is distressed, better perhaps that he withdraws, that  is, take time out, be alone. It is not a good time to communicate as such leads to arguments. If “cold like an ice  block” means that  he withdraws angrily, that  is he  gives you the look that says: I am angry at you!- that is not the withdrawal I  am suggesting. The withdrawal  I am suggesting is that he takes responsibility for his distress and takes  his alone time, not turning  aggressively against  you, passive-aggressively or aggressively.

    When  he is no  longer distressed, that is time  to communicate and spend together time. Even if such time is only twenty minutes per evening, let it  be. Aim at quality, that is, safe, calm interactions and  not at quantity, that  is spending as much time interacting as  possible.

    anita

     

    #179185

    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Ina,

    I second what Anita has said, I have to do this, although with my current partner we communicate so well I haven’t really found myself in these situations, as much as I did with my ex boyfriend.

    I think what kind of concerned me from your post is that you’re both long term Buddhist practitioners but communication & anger seems to be a big problem for you both. Do you meditate around these issues? Do you not communicate about this circular dance you’re in? Do you not have respect & compassion for each other just as much as those around you?

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