November 21, 2017 at 5:17 pm #178989
I’ve been with my boyfriend for just 2 months but we have known each other for a couple of years. He is also a few years younger than me. We are both long-term Buddhist practitioners but strangely, this does not keep us from being controlled by basic afflictive emotions. He has a very busy life and constantly stressed out. When he is stressed out he is extremely moody and either tries to pick up an argument for a trivial reason (like why am I wearing make-up….someone could find me too attractive) or he completely withdraws and ignores me. And when we argue then it usually ends in tears on my part because he just gets to mad and mean, and I feel hurt. I hate it when he ignores me for a long time, but he expects me to be available at all times. I really love him very much and I certainly want to be with him, but I need to find a way to deal with my own emotions and reactions towards him when he gets moody or cold like an ice-block. I’m also a quite sensitive person, I probably already feel someone’s emotions even if they are trying to hide them. Maybe a less sensitive person wouldn’t find that this is a big deal and just shrug it off, but when I really love someone I just get hurt very easily and it doesn’t help if the other person is also super sensitive and moody. I get a lot of advice from a mundane perspective but I’m more looking for some advice from a Buddhist, compassionate yet assertive, perspective. Thank you!November 22, 2017 at 6:03 am #179105
I will aim at a “compassionate yet assertive, perspective” response to your thread: when your boyfriend is distressed, better perhaps that he withdraws, that is, take time out, be alone. It is not a good time to communicate as such leads to arguments. If “cold like an ice block” means that he withdraws angrily, that is he gives you the look that says: I am angry at you!- that is not the withdrawal I am suggesting. The withdrawal I am suggesting is that he takes responsibility for his distress and takes his alone time, not turning aggressively against you, passive-aggressively or aggressively.
When he is no longer distressed, that is time to communicate and spend together time. Even if such time is only twenty minutes per evening, let it be. Aim at quality, that is, safe, calm interactions and not at quantity, that is spending as much time interacting as possible.
anitaNovember 23, 2017 at 12:31 am #179185
I second what Anita has said, I have to do this, although with my current partner we communicate so well I haven’t really found myself in these situations, as much as I did with my ex boyfriend.
I think what kind of concerned me from your post is that you’re both long term Buddhist practitioners but communication & anger seems to be a big problem for you both. Do you meditate around these issues? Do you not communicate about this circular dance you’re in? Do you not have respect & compassion for each other just as much as those around you?