Dear Ed:

“Are you okay with continuing this discussion?…  can’t pay you any more in return for your work than expressions about my honest appreciation” – yes, I am okay with continuing this discussion. The only payment I expect is my own learning which is something I pay myself (it is my brain that’s doing the learning). You don’t have to pay me anything. I would like you to keep being your honest, genuine self because it’s best for you and for me, in the context of this thread.

When I submit this post, the paragraph above becomes public record and you and I will hold me accountable for what it says.

“gaslighting was pretty common with my parents. it would start with little lies about food… my parents ate it and told us that it was never there. Promises my parents made but then denied ever making. Accusations or hurtful things they said but then also denied ever saying”

“She would also deny having said certain things in arguments or altering them slightly to make them sound less harsh. For example at one point, she admitted to let off steam by being mean or aggressive to me and when I later wanted to talk about that she pretended to be unsure about her having said that… telling people we both knew at the time how irresponsible I was concerning my mental health..”.

“I am afraid of me being wrong all along… Writing about these things just makes these moments so real again and I feel so unsure about whether I understood things right or if my ex was right and I got everything wrong”.

My input: it takes courage to do what you did here: to talk about what’s causing you self-doubt and distress. Addressing issues that cause us distress is difficult and should be done with care, in small portions and gently.

In my experience with my mother I was heavily gaslighted (truth denied, lies told, false accusations thrown about and more). As a result, in my interactions with people as an adult (I don’t remember earlier), I was hypersensitive to inconsistencies in what people said and did. When people were not exact in what they said, if what they said over time had any inconsistencies, I was immediately suspicious that they were lying. I didn’t understand that everyone’s memories are imperfect and that at different times people remember different aspects of the same experience, so you get slightly different stories in regard to the same experience.

What do you think/ feel at this point? (If you feel distressed at this time, please take a break and distract yourself with something positive (positive distraction), ex.: taking a walk, a shower, listening to music.

anita

Dear Ed:

You are welcome.  “I interpret it correctly“- no, there were no legal trouble or legal harm on my mind when I read your earlier post or when I replied to it. I happen to have a way of legal-sounding, exact kind of writing sometimes, born out of my need to be exact and very clear, but all I was thinking was about making  you feel comfortable posting.

What was that moment of self-hate that you had, I wonder.

anita

Dear Ed:

“She already helped you so much“- but I didn’t help you so much. If I helped you, I helped you a tiny bit a little bit. You are not annoying me and you are not presenting me with any drama: your life is not drama, it’s real and it’s important.

I was wondering (it often happens that I wonder, and as always, you are welcome to not answer any of my questions):

(1) when you were diagnosed with c-ptsd, what did the professional who diagnosed you tell you about your particular c-ptsd situation at the time (at what age were you diagnosed)?

(2) About your ex-girlfriend: was she diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (bpd) or with codependent personality disorder (from the ICD-10), or is it something you came up with?

(3) A well-known symptom of bpd is inappropriate, intense anger that can be difficult to control– what did her anger look like when she was with you: did she scream at you, break things, storm out, call you names, threaten you.. what did she say and do that you’d call inappropriate, intense anger?

anita

Dear Ed:

You are welcome. When asking if her diagnoses were “something you came up with”, I meant to ask if you figured that she fits a diagnosis vs her being professionally diagnosed.

For a while, I took her bpd diagnosis to mean certain things about her, such as that she raged at you and was therefore a-girlfriend-from-hell, but after getting some details from you about what she actually said and how she actually acted, I started doubting the bpd diagnosis, and I understand why the second therapist doubted the bpd diagnosis. I know that professionals routinely give mistaken diagnoses, and diagnoses that other professionals disagree with, so in the future when interacting with members, I shouldn’t assume that a diagnosis given is necessarily correct.

I asked you three days ago what was on her list of things she hated about you. The first item on the list that you gave me was: “She told me that on weekends, I shouldn’t sleep longer than until 11 am” – now that I am thinking about it, how is that a hateful item? Or an unreasonable item… maybe it was better for you to  not sleep longer than 11 am. Maybe she was motivated by concern for you and by wanting to spend more time with you on weekends. That’s not hateful, is it?

Another item on that list: “My ex felt pressured about me asking her how she was doing, especially her mental health. She refused to tell me anything about her feelings and called me her ‘therapist‘” – again, how is that hateful? That she felt pressured- she can’t help what she feels. And it’s her right to not answer your questions (just as it is your right to not answer mine).

Another item on the list: “my ex pressured me extremely to get more therapy.. She told me that my problems with suicidal thoughts would make her anxious” – .. again, I don’t see how this is hateful. It makes sense that she’d feel anxious when you expressed suicidal thoughts, and that she wanted you to get help, doesn’t it?

anita

*Excuse the second anita (it happens when I close a post with my name, then go back and edit, then back to the end, I forget that I already closed the post, and .. close it again)