I understand what it comes across as, Anita. I would be lying if I didn’t admit I myself hadn’t felt this way at some point. “I wish I had never started watching that show at all, never participated in that forum, never became a fan of that actor… none of this would’ve happened”. That sort of feeling. But analyzing it deeply, I can see that I’m only deluding myself. Everything did happen for a reason. I know that I suffered, but I also learned more than I can express. She learned from me, I learned from her. Be it patience, understanding, working together, not giving up hope, knowing who’re your allies and enemies, sacrifice, the joy of togetherness… everything, I practically experienced with her. It surely did make me a better person in many ways, more than I can express here. It did make me confident when we worked together and I was able to do things I never imagined I otherwise could, all thanks to her encouragement. I may not have been able to be independent in my real life here with my family, but whatever I did online was my independent work, thanks to her and others too. The inner flaws in my personality due to my upbringing were always there, even if I had never met her, and they would’ve turned up at some point or the other in my life. I’m glad they turned up sooner rather than later.

There is nothing wrong with “fantasy”. Everything we discussed did have some practical thought. I guess it’s just my flaw of being overly pessimistic in thought and word, something I’ve always done from childhood. I know the cat is out of the box and her reaction was more out of fear than anything. But like you said, and my friends remind, she’s still very young and in terms of the long run of life, our relation has barely started. Doesn’t mean she’ll always be upset with me or keep thinking like this. I don’t want to do any haste and cause more damage. Gave it a lot of thought today and at least managed to calm myself to an extent reminding myself of this. Managed to study well too, as a result.

I won’t post about her, if you say. But I surely won’t call it an obsession or sickness now. It had become that, during the past few months when I got overly possessive, caused the fight and now when I started posting here. I’m trying to move ahead of that and be calm in my approach. At least I won’t ever regret our relation, no matter what happens.

I agree, Anita. That’s just what I felt, what you wrote in the first paragraph. I could not be a stronger Ravi or independent Ravi, however, because at the end of the day we both faced the limitation of communicating online only. Via phone or computer. It’s the people I am living with who have had the power to decide what I act like and truthfully speaking, even if I had been in an offline relationship physically, I don’t feel I could maintain it because of how I am restricted at my place. In fact, did not even realize that my anger stems from my upbringing until I discussed with you. In a way, this present painful situation has exposed to me the roots of these flaws that had always been within me, and given me a chance to eliminate them.

I believe that anything in the world, when approached and treated in the wrong manner, can become an obsession/sickness. Doesn’t make it objectively bad. I do not want my loving, understanding and unique relation to become an obsession or sickness. At the very least, I owe it to her to ensure it does not become that. Therefore I am now trying to push away the obsession and focus on assertiveness, positivity and everything we discussed thus far. I’m controlling myself and focusing on studies to ensure that my love doesn’t degrade anymore into an obsession/sickness, and after my exams, once again becomes what it once was.

I just wish I had some way of giving my inner voice a big, hot, strong cup of “STFU” so it did not goad me into doing wrong things in life.

Yes, I’ve read about this inner critic thing. It’s so strange that despite knowing this voice is not your friend and only causes damage and chaos, you can’t help but listen to it. As a matter of fact, the very first time I read about this was back in 2008… the very next day after that neighbour abused me. I was searching online for something else and just happened to come across a website explaining about this issue. It helped a lot because at the time, understandably, the inner critic was tormenting me for not standing up to the neighbour. Looks like nearly 8 years from them, I’m facing the same situation again.

I agree that honest communication between two people almost always achieves the best results. One of my teachers always tells me, that people who tell you the bitter truth despite knowing you would feel hurt, are your greatest well-wishers. I don’t think any person in the world would want to be in a relationship with a pathologically obsessed person who only talks of depressing/suicidal things. Most definitely she’ll feel so bad if she knows I spoiled my exams due to this issue. Might even feel it’s best to never come back, for my own good. For sake of the good that I firmly believe is still in there, I will definitely change my attitude. Your post helped a lot in me making this decision, Anita. Genuine thanks from me. 🙂

Regarding my family, I feel their intentions have always been good but they feel that it’s only they who know best for me, and I don’t. So in order to make me do what they felt is right for me (like the college issue), they did get manipulative in some instances. And also… my mom ignoring the very real issues with my attitude and pushing me to study, I do feel even that’s a kind of obsession.

I’m sure it’ll be time for a heart-to-heart with my family once I qualify the exam (hopefully). They have been promising me from long that once I do that, they’ll give me anything I wish. I hope asking for the long-overdue independence won’t be too much then. I don’t feel my grandmother will understand (she’ll just say “you already do have independence”) but my parents will do, hopefully.

I’m trying my best to change my attitude. At least I didn’t go cry today when she didn’t reply to my message, though I did feel bad. But reminded myself that things don’t happen overnight and the path of love is not easy. At least will do my best to do keep doing what is right. Am not compromising the exam preparation.

You are very right about that, Anita. I had never really thought of it that way. I cannot really comment on its veracity since I’ve not practically tested it myself, but my parents often say – “if it weren’t for fear of your grandma’s anger, we’d have given you freedom long back”. But there was this incident back in school days when I was cycling to school and met with a small accident. When I came home, my grandma didn’t say anything but my mom shouted at me and after that, I had to reduce going out on cycle and completely stopped after leaving school.

Now sadly, it’s not just due to family but as a result of the inertia developed from years of this situation, I myself don’t feel like going out anywhere. I don’t feel like attending parties or even visiting friends, and merely sit at home on the PC or reading books. I don’t feel like I have confidence to even to go to a shop and buy something since I was never given money to use and to this day, if I ever needed anything, it was always my parents paying next to me with the wallet, never me. I guess the neighbour was right in a way saying I’ve become a dummy. Will take a good deal of time to change myself, and then become independent in true sense of the word.

It’s true Anita, what you said. At least that’s what they keep telling me. Honestly though, I feel a lot of times they overreact. They say that they cannot go out since she’ll shout at them, they cannot let me go anywhere without them as she won’t allow and we cannot stay out after a particular amount of time as again the fights will start. I said that they could just do anything they wish, come home and ignore the shouting, and stay away from her until she becomes calm and normal (which almost always happens within 1-2 hours or so). That way the problem can be easily managed without any trouble. But they don’t do that, instead they engage with her and escalate it. Either way I really don’t like the way these things go here. I want to qualify this exam and then strive for freedom as discussed.

I don’t even know if I would call it bullying, or if there really are any prisoners or jailors or whatever. My personal observation is that the majority of it, from both sides, is merely creating problems where there are none. She complains about them, they complain about her. Both sides have some valid complaints and also have done things I feel they shouldn’t have. At the end, I am not interested in these family politics but I get sandwiched in between, and the result is here to see. Both sides claim I have my freedom as far as they’re concerned, and it’s only the other side not letting me be free. And of course nobody likes at all to be blamed (except dad who does accept his faults). Especially my mom… it’s a sin against nature to blame her of anything at all. Now that the time for freedom is hopefully near, I’m not mulling over this as much.

The home I will have someday… I don’t really wish to think of it. I knew whom I wanted to make that home with. And I don’t wish to have lost her directly or indirectly as a result of all this. Only when she’s with me, I can consider my home complete. Right now, as we discussed, trying to be optimistic and focus on the only step I have power over – the exams.

Hehe. I hope that boy is far luckier in these matters than I have been. 😛 My aunt and cousins live in the US, and both of them have done world tours to Japan and Europe all alone, when they were barely 12-13 years old. The kind of feat I can’t ever dream of myself doing.

The getting-stronger-by-the-day, sensible, to-be-free and independent Ravi again had a short burst of temper today. Realized I’ve not updated my progress diary for long. Need to do it today.