I’m sure this is the truth. In fact when you consider the extremely conservative Indian culture, it almost definitely is the reason. I knew that she’ll take my feelings this way, that’s why I never confessed them to her. I never asked her to “change relations” at all. In fact, I said that if only a brotherly bond was acceptable to her then I’m ready for it (though as you said, its too late now). I don’t know what else I could’ve done. I just find this really ironic because sometime ago when our favourite actress was being bashed at the forum for wearing a short dress, Jerry said to me that there’s nothing wrong with such dresses and we should be liberal and not subscribe to stone-age thinking. I guess people are really good at cherry-picking what they want to believe.

Husband is a far-fetched dream when currently she’s broken our 3-year bond and is treating me like a criminal. Though my friend says she will come back if our bond was true (which I firmly believe, no matter what she and her sister say). If no more travesty happens, I hope I can make a birthday thread on our forum for her in June, just something simple to appeal to her heart and remind her that I really do love and care for her. Beyond that, I’m clueless.

Thanks Anita. I know that but her sister’s words really hurt me a lot. “Yes, you did really bad, you called her your sister and then tried to selfishly change relations… not expected from you… you stabbed her in the back”. I’m feeling like some molester or rapist. Combined with my previous misbehavior with Jerry which is inexcusable anyway, I’ve lost most of my self respect. If I had not treated her so badly, I do feel she probably may not have been so harsh on me now. Probably would at least have tried to understand my situation instead of breaking our bond without hesitation.

I can only pray that she remembers the beauty of our bond and realizes that I really do love, care for and respect her, and will always do so. If our bond was true, which I believe it was, then I hope it eventually helps her put aside her beliefs and re-establish our relation. I’m studying until my exam… that’s all in my power presently. Thanks and you too take care. Will try to post sometimes.

Thanks Anita for explaining the issue so well. I know what her sister said was extreme… I just have a habit of taking such things to heart. Especially when she is someone who was on very good terms with me and I really loved her like a little sister (and still do), helped her with her studies and all. She never even once actually tried to understand my situation. They may not have expected me to develop these feelings, but I did not expect them to start calling me a traitor and pervert like this either. I at least have no intention of contacting her sister again. If somehow we do talk, hope I can control my temper.

I hope she never has to suffer the pain of family disintegrating at least… I’ll always wish only for her happiness and wellbeing. My mind keeps telling me things like “you should’ve been satisfied with having her as a sister and not greedily desired more”. I’m slowly learning to control that critical voice and push it back. Trying to distract myself with music, novels and all though I cannot really enjoy them from the heart anymore, like I used to. Goodness only knows what’ll happen in the future. I can only pray for the best and focus on being a good person and keeping a clean conscience.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.

I don’t blame her, because she’s just fifteen or so. And I know I myself have behaved worse with Jerry. At least until I successfully correct myself first, I cannot point fingers at anyone else.

I actually listen to orchestral music only. I’m having to avoid all the emotional pieces because they remind me of her and make me cry. I feel this gaping void inside me that has sapped out all happiness. I just am keeping up the positive faith and working first on what I’m facing in the immediate future… the exam.

That’s true. Regarding that void, I have no choice but to push it back for now because as long as it’s there, there’s no way I can study. I had sat down with the full intention to finish a couple of chapters last night, and the pain got so overwhelming that I couldn’t continue past 10-15 minutes. Maybe I am a fool for hoping she’ll somehow realize the truth and decide to reunite, though I can’t help it. I just have no interest left in my life which is full of nothing but pain and misery now. I’m studying for that exam not out of any sincere passion anymore, but because there’s nothing better to distract myself with. I just keep hoping I don’t wake up alive the next morning. I realized that nobody here who claimed to love and care for me actually does so. Just my parents who are praying everyday that my personal problem gets solved, though I didn’t tell them details.

You are right Anita. I’m not the one to run from the truth… but the truth is I myself don’t know the future. Nobody does. My mind says I have lost her forever and she’ll never come back. My heart genuinely does say she still has that love and care in some corner of her heart, and one day it may help her come back. Though I won’t be messaging her anymore, unless I am fortunate to make the birthday thread for her. After this conversation with her sister, I accepted that I lost her. But for once I do feel my heart is not clutching at straws, but genuinely feels what it says. I do know that I may lose her, but she’ll never lose me because I love her, no matter what she thinks about me. I’ll always pray for her well-being and if she ever needs me, I’ll be there. It may not lessen my pain, but I leave the rest to the higher powers because I believe in my love and hers too.

You are right, Anita. I’m not a romantic person myself (in fact I always disliked the romantic portions of films and books) and I never expected that I will ever feel this way for any girl. Moreover you know that the word romance is stereotypically associated with things like physical intimacy, kissing, flirting and all now… and in a culture like ours, it’s taboo numero uno among conservative people. Even a few of my other friends said they’ll break relations with anyone who loves them romantically. That’s why I kept telling myself that my increasing affection for her was just brotherly in nature, when somewhere inside I knew that it wasn’t so. She and her sister accuse me of “changing relations” when in fact I never said anything at all to her, though I admit I stopped calling her sis (for a different reason initially) and wasn’t able to conceal my affection well.

I know that the future is bleak. But I don’t know how I can ask her father for her hand in marriage without her consent. I don’t wish to force anything upon her. Moreover by the time I’m good enough to do that, she may be in love with someone else or her parents may arrange her marriage with someone. She did hint to me that she’s okay with being together again if we have a platonic bond again, but she doesn’t trust me to get rid of my feelings. I just wish to be with her again… if it means suppressing of my feelings for now, so be it. I’ll never speak of them to her again and if worst comes to worst, I’ll suppress the pain and live with being a second rate brother and seeing her married to someone else. I just don’t wish to lose her. She can never realize fully what she means to me.

Regarding the love… I am reminded of a heart-wrenching scene from Harry Potter where Dumbledore tells him that the pain of losing a loved one is what proves that we’re actually human. And Harry yells, “then I don’t want to be human”. I won’t ever love anybody again, if I lose her. The pain and torture is beyond what I can bear.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.

Jerry messaged me via her sister, Anita. Here’s what she said.

“Look Ravi bro, I know you are elder to me and I respect you, that’s why I thought of messaging you. I hope you realize what you’re doing is wrong and its of no use to delete your Facebook or Twitter accounts. We both are part of the (our show) fandom and that’s our common interest. I consider you brother and that’s why interacted with you. Please don’t keep telling people that I loved you in a different way and shared personal things with you. Whatever things I spoke were just as a sister and a part of the fandom family. There are many more things you didn’t share with me, and I didn’t either. What feelings you had after 2 years of chatting with me, shows me that you didn’t understand me nor my nature. I have always respected you for what you have done for (our show) and being a support to me for our fav actress.”

I honestly do not understand where she gets this idea that I’ve been telling people she loved me romantically. Either she misunderstood someone or they misunderstood what I said. Also, since when does one have to share every little secret with someone in order to be understood? Does any couple in the world know 100% about each other? Wasn’t the bond we shared more than enough to get a sufficient idea of what our nature is like, sufficient to know why I love her?

I just tried to clarify the first point and make her understand that I really do care for her. That I deleted my social media accounts not for attention seeking but because they don’t exist for me without her. I called her sister and promised I won’t let our feelings come between us ever again. She’s not replied yet. I dunno what more I can do. On top of it, the exam I supposed to give is scheduled to be cancelled and I’m in extreme tension. This truly is the absolute worst phase of my life.