Dear Ravi:

I understand you didn’t mean physical intimacy, well not beyond holding hands and hugging. But it would be only natural if when hugging, you would be “greedy” for more. It is natural. Not a sin.

There are some messages told to you by your parents, grandmother, by peers, by society, messages that are not true:

1. You are not a pervert. Not even close. Desiring to hold hands with Jerry and hug her after hearing her laugh is not a perversion. Not remotely close.
2. You were not a backstabber of any kind in relation to Jerry. (Yes, not remotely close).

3. Not all kids out there are studying.
4. You, Ravi, are not a kid. You are a 27 year old man.

5. It is not your duty to study. It is your personal choice, or should be.
6. You don’t owe to your parents to take care of them later. You never signed a contract to do so- it was not something you freely took upon yourself. Really, you were brain washed to feel this obligation, as the rest of society. A parent can tell a child ANYTHING and the child will believe it to be true, if told from an early age and repeatedly. In reality, you have no such duty, not as a son, and not as an only son.

7. Regarding: “Its your duty to do the same without argument”- without argument: you are (shouldn’t be) a slave. You shouldn’t obey. Anyone who says a young man should obey his parents is brainwashed, deluded. And, yes, a whole society can be deluded.

Again, your anger, your distress, your insecurities you mentioned in your last line, all these are understandable. Your life is not a desirable life. It is not a life that affords peace of mind. An imprisoned young man, hidden and hiding, shamed and pestered to study, study, like you were a machine of some kind, a robot with no feelings, cannot possibly be confident and peaceful.

I believe this is reality, a very unpleasant reality. I also believe that seeing it for what it is can only benefit you on the long run. This is why I am stating what I strongly believe to be reality.

anita

Dear Ravi:

As to your last three lines, I don’t think you can choose to not feel angry. For a short time, maybe. But the anger in you is there because, I believe, you need to be free. Like a tiger pacing back and forth in its cage in the zoo, angry, because it needs to be free. Tell that tiger to not be angry.

I’ve been communicating with you for a while, and this is what I believe at this point, after all this time, about your anger. It will be there until you are free. So back to your last few lines, I would vote for using your anger as a motivator to do what you need to do.

anita

Dear Ravi:

I was thinking about you this very morning before I turned on the computer, thinking about bringing up your thread and asking how you are doing. Then here it is, your new post.

The tiger in the cage, imprisoned, pacing back and forth. This is you. Like I wrote a few posts before, it is impossible that you will be calm in such living circumstances (and the heat is part of it). Please don’t judge your character for feeling this rage. Anyone in your place (unless chemically tranquilized) will naturally experience rage and distress. It is impossible not to.

As humans, it is not realistic to use our intellect, our rational part, to ignore our emotions. First we are emotional beings. We evolved from animals and we are still animals… with rational abilities. But we are animals first, so just as you can’t talk a tiger out of its rage pacing in the cage, you can’t talk to yourself out of the rage pacing between the library, the garden privilege and the confines of the walls around you in your own cage/ home.

You can take breaks as in listening to music, daydreaming, the brain will take its breaks whether you plan to do so or not, when it can no longer endure the distress.

If you accept your human nature, your animal-human nature, you will be better off. If you don’t judge your character for what is natural and human, you will be better off.

Is there air conditioning in the library? How do you handle the heat inside your home?

You smashed a couple of empty soft drink bottles. If I was there observing this Cry for Help, I would respond this way: I would understand how distressed you feel, naturally. I would understand you need to rest from too many hours of studying. I would not pester you to study, study, study. I would encourage you to take many breaks. I would be a place for you to talk at any time.

I am sorry you don’t have such a person there, or even online with the other people. You have that place here. Please do post anytime. And please do your best to care for yourself, show mercy to yourself.

anita

Dear Ravi:

You are welcome. Thank you for expressing your appreciation: it means a lot to me!

What I write to you, none of it is written just to make you feel better and all of it is what I truly believe to be true to reality. I believe that when we match out thinking to the truth, our mental health benefits. When we believe what is not true (no matter how “pretty” or pleasant the thought feels temporarily), we are hurting ourselves. This is why I insist on sticking to reality.

When I wrote to you that the rage and distress that you feel is natural to the situation you are in, I believe it to be so 100%. I have no doubt. It is very important that you see it as is, natural and normal to your circumstances. Natural and normal for a human being. It can’t possibly be otherwise. This is not the time to look at your faults, as you called them. Not the time because you deserve a lot of credit for surviving this, and it is only right to give yourself a lot of leeway, because you are naturally and normally in distress. Crashing empty bottles is of no harm. Your father crying, well, you are not responsible for that- he is reaping the consequences of his own actions and in-actions.

I am glad you made it as one of 82 students who qualified in last month’s exam. I am not surprised because you are clearly very intelligent. I am impressed that you did so well considering your circumstances.

You were raging at Jerry today not “for no reason”- your rage has to go someplace. It is not the time to judge yourself. Let yourself feel what it is that you are feeling. At the least, be kind to yourself this way.

I wrote to you before that you are a good man. I know this not only because of all your posts about other people, but I know it because of how you communicate with me, being as honest as you are and in your great distress, you have the emotional capacity to be appreciative of me- this last one is very impressive.

Till your next post-

anita

Dear Ravi:

Your thinking is very reasonable, sane. It does feel terrible, for a good person like you, to see a loved one suffers no matter the blame issue. I understand this. I mentioned your father’s responsibility for his hurt because I didn’t want you to take responsibility for what is not yours. It hurts less to see a loved one cry when you know it is not you who caused his hurt. I didn’t want you to carry the extra pain of false responsibility.

Sure hope you manage to relax. I grew up in a country with many months of over 40 degrees every day, and without air conditioning. The only time it was cool was very early in the morning, those precious moments when the heat of the day before dissipated and before the heat of the next day turned on full blast. I called that long summer sun a vicious sun.

Maybe make the best of that time in between the heat of the day before and the heat of the day to come.

anita

Dear Ravi:

It is the nature of being human, of having the brain we have, that when we are in a very distressing situation, that we think thoughts to match it. So being one of the human species justifies your thoughts. You take your thoughts too… personally. Here is an example: when someone hits you, you are likely to think: “%#@$% you!” No? Quite automatic.

You are taking personal responsibility for what you are not responsible for. If you correcting this misunderstanding on your part, your brain will be more congruent with reality and so, you will be healthier. Pay attention to this please, if you are calm enough, and give it an honest consideration: you wrote above: “Maybe if I had rebelled against the home restraints…”

Not too long ago you told me how you were spoon fed, literally, all the way through high school. A person being spoon fed is not likely to rebel. Through the act of literally feeding you year after year, long- long- long after you are able to feed yourself (using hands as is culturally acceptable or with silverware, your choice), sends you the message repeatedly that you are powerless.

And the fact that you are otherwise subdued and dominated (as is your father) by the two women in the household until they set you free (so promised) when they see it right… this lowers by a lot your personal responsibility for not taking your life into your own hands.

What are your health issues???

anita

Dear Ravi:

A person upon being hit by another will feel angry quickly and naturally: nature’s way to prepare the person being hit to fight the attacker. Self confidence has nothing to do with it.

You wish you possessed enough self control to not get angry? Impossible. To not express your anger somehow? Impossible. And so, you demand the impossible out of yourself and that only adds to your distress.

Regarding your health issues, this is .. interesting, I experienced all these things as a teenager (except for hair falling, I think, that came later) plus skin fungi (from heat and humidity) plus heavy duty tics (involuntary motor and vocal tics all day long and those kept me from falling asleep), OCD (performing rituals all day long to “ward off” danger. All that from the distress I experienced at “home.” We have quite a bit in common. I survived it. I am worried about you, but I am glad I survived it and hoping you will too.

Take better care of yourself, for crying out loud, exercise? During the time between yesterday’s heat and the next day’s heat? Please?!

anita

Dear Ravi:

Regarding anger, here I am on the other side of the world from you, never have met you in person, and yet I feel angry right this moment, as I type, angry at the injustice that is shaping your life. Angry at your grandmother. So she is ignorant, I understand it, she is ignorant, but the injustice is why is she accommodated like that? Is your mother ignorant too? Is your father ignorant too? Why is a severely ignorant person, your grandmother, allowed to run the lives of three people, you included? It boggles my mind and I feel angry. So now what do I do? Well, I expressed it here. It is not right, it is not fair, that an intelligent young man, YOU, will be under the ruling of an ignorant, unintelligent woman. It angers me.

Fungi, I know fungi- didn’t get rid of those white flaky spots I had on my face, very visible, and other places. Or the feet fungi. Couldn’t because the creams slipped off with the sweat. Only when I moved to Los Angeles and given pills, not creams, and then living in a non hot-and-humid place, and finally that was gone! A relief. My hair too fell out big time when distressed, for years. I am surprised I was left with any.

Back to the persistently ignorant woman ruling your home: no matter how much you love her and no matter that she makes sense once in a while (even a broken clock is correct twice every 24 hours), will you at least, please, not follow her instructions?

Your grandmother and my mother have a lot in common (I have and will have no contact with mine): all they care about is food. That would be fine if we lived in a home where starvation is possible, where there is trouble getting enough calories and nutrients in, so they would be useful locating every source of calorie possible for our consumption. But this is not the world I live in and this is not the home you live in. If you are significantly overweight, it means, the problem is overeating. So she keeps insisting that you eat as if you are starving.

Love your grandmother, your mother and your father as much as you have to, as much as you want, but don’t follow their “wisdom”, please!

I am still angry. I feel like writing to you more about what I would do if I was you, but I will wait until and if asked. See, being angry I have to ponder what I feel like doing before I do. Actually, I don’t know if what I wrote so far is useful and wise to write. Let me see: yes, I think it is fine.

Till your next post…

anita