I actually had been talking with my dad about this lately. He says it happened because we did not want fights in the house and obviously we can’t leave her alone and go out to live separately. It began with small things like not letting me go to friends’ places, not letting me take part in sports/activities or school picnic, putting parents behind me like bodyguards wherever I went. One of my school teachers who particularly loves me a lot, always used to be angry regarding this and warned my parents that unless this thing is controlled from early on, it’ll cause serious disaster later. We took her warning lightly, and she’s proven correct now. Those early restrictions were a miniature version of this big disaster regarding my career.

The food issue is precisely what ticks me off because it is a major part of the root of the problem. If I went to study outside, I would be late for meals… so I was given home tutoring. Even when the home tutor used to come here, if he did not leave by dinner time, she used to get impatient and angry and force me to eat first before going back to study. I never cared much before as I was so pampered at home. But only now have I realized how much damage all this caused, both career-wise and to my personality. I’ll definitely do my best to move away from all this negativity once I qualify these damn exams. But the damage cannot be undone. I just hope I’m able to correct my personality flaws which have resulted from this situation. I don’t want to be a short-tempered loose cannon hurting innocent people and losing all my loved ones like I’ve lost my Jerry.

I know. But the damage my anger caused and still causes, is very real too and I don’t feel many people will try to understand my situation and be sympathetic. Jerry surely didn’t. Neither will anyone I get into a fight with when having a particularly bad mood swing. And the damage caused to my career is something that cannot be fully undone either. Next year, it’ll be 10 years since I passed out of school and since then I’ve been stuck in the very same situation. No college, no studies, nothing. Just running fools’ errands and wild goose chases thanks to this situation at home.

I’m not letting anyone force me to do anything anymore, but I’m not able to gather enough momentum to study the way I need to do, in order to qualify the exam. The exhaustion, frustration and mood swings are greatly affecting me.

I know Anita. Much of self-empathy isn’t in my nature as it feels like narcissism/vanity to me. But ya, I do know where I went wrong and where I didn’t. I do try not to blame myself anymore for things which I know are not wrong. For example I know I didn’t commit a crime by loving Jerry, no matter what the moral police says. But the things where I did go wrong, it’s hard for me to forgive myself on grounds of my upbringing. Until two days ago I was feeling angry at her for breaking our relation and moving on without regret. The anger dissipated today and the pain of love returned, and I could not hold back the tears. These mood swings stress me out a lot.

At least what others think of me does matter if I want to survive in the real world. They’re not going to accept my explanations. I’ll try to keep the measured self empathy as appropriate, but I also need to learn how to move ahead of my upbringing problems and develop confidence and emotional strength. It seems like a long and painful journey ahead.

It’s true. I do agree that our childhood has a major impact on what we become. It’s just that I feel dreadful thinking about the things I did to bring this hell upon myself, how much everything would’ve been different if I had excised more sense and patience. I don’t feel upbringing is a sufficient explanation for getting so bitter and jealous seeing someone loving her cousin, for example, despite knowing I was the only one she gave such a special place in her heart to, though I’m not blood family and knew her only for 2.5 years. Even now I get thoughts like “she must be enjoying herself lying in the arms of that incestuous creep day and night ever since she left you”. I myself am disgusted by it, but I cannot do anything. I feel that’s some deep ugliness in me that goes beyond the upbringing issue, which produces disgusting thoughts like this. Either way, I just truly want to change myself in every way.

It’s the first time anyone has actually said to me that they like who I am (I mean genuinely, not blindly like my family does). Means a lot to me, Anita. Thanks again. And yes, survival is the word. Even now the court and government folks are fighting it out over the exams issue and we students haven’t been told clearly what will happen. Studying without a clear idea in mind doesn’t help at all, because we need to change our study pattern based on the exam to be held. I’m just trying to focus on the exam I need to take on the 29th.

The loneliness is indeed the greatest problem. She was the only one present with me the entire day, whenever I wished, in my happy and sad times alike. Talking to anybody else is just not the same and somehow, nobody else seems very interested in talking to me anymore. After three years, I’m sinking into this quicksand pit of loneliness again and I don’t know if I can ever come out. The best I can say is unlike March-April when I literally was suicidal, it’s more of an on-off thing now. Sort of like sinuses.

Circumstances… I try not to think of them. I’m filled with regret and guilt thinking I brought this hell upon myself, at least partly. If only I had excised some more patience and forethought, I could’ve avoided this. Though its no use crying over it and I can only think of how not to repeat it again.

I know. Even if I managed to hide my feelings for now, years later when the inevitable news of her engagement/marriage to someone else came, I’m quite sure all this hell would’ve broken loose. Moreover, her sister said that going by my old comments about our favourite actor looking pretty, both of them feel I’ve got a hidden nasty side right from the beginning. I can’t help but think that she’d been somehow harbouring these suspicions in some corner of her subconscious mind, no matter how strong our bond and love was. In that case, whatever happened was for the good in a way and if I’m blessed enough to see our bond mend someday, perhaps these false feelings can be eradicated as well for a genuinely improved relationship. At least I can hope and pray.

Yup… and it’s the exam for the largest and most coveted institute in our country. Though the chances of me cracking it are pretty slim considering all the Einsteins in the race, I haven’t got anything to lose as most of my focus now is on studies only. I’ll surely keep your tips in mind and go along with them. Not too keen on showers but I’m trying to take regular breaks and de-stress every few hours. Watching cartoons and reading light novels once in a while seems to be helping.

Two days left for my exam, and I’m not able to sleep properly. Getting dreams of her continuously from a week or so. Yesterday I had felt myself talking happily to her like the golden old days, and then woke up back to my miserable and pathetic present. Had a pounding headache the whole day and could not focus on studies properly. Absolute best part is nobody cares about what I’m going through, how much I miss her, and just tell me to study like a robot.

I still love her and I know I always will. I wish by some miracle she understood that what she’s doing is not right. I can’t help going over all those past incidents in my mind, and it makes me miserable. My schedule just involves waking up at 5:30 AM, going for a morning walk until 7:00, then off to the library and classes from 9:00 to 6:00 PM, dinner and revision, and sleeping by 10:30. Absolutely nothing in between. Though I’m watching a few movies to take my mind off things but the effect is only temporary. Got an important exam on Sunday… my parents and teachers have such high expectations from me. Dunno how it’ll go.