No time for walks in the evening, because I come home late and anyway there’s too much traffic and pollution at that time. I too wish I had only positive emotions in my heart. I just don’t understand where all this bitterness, anger and bile is now coming from. I keep mulling over her and her sister’s words in my head and keep fantasizing about what more violent replies I should’ve given them, and then I’m reminded of our fond memories and abruptly all the negativity vanishes and I pray we’re just reunited somehow. My blood boils at the thought of her cousin, even though his only fault is… loving his sister? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I almost scream at my brain to just shut up and stop thinking anything for some time, give me a damn break from everything. But it doesn’t work. I’ve been trying to meditate but failing miserably.

Great to know about the thread. 🙂

Humor – Thank you so much for your kind words, once again. 🙂 I’m sorry, I missed your post yesterday somehow. Regarding Jerry… I’m hesitant to tell my parents the full thing, though they know the general idea that I’m suffering from a breakup with someone very dear to me. I’ll see whether I can write anything in the future after exams. Presently I’m just trying to write a story for Jerry on her birthday. At least that way my conscience doesn’t berate me for not doing my best to mend our relationship.

Yes Anita, the exam went alright. Not as good as expected, but could’ve been worse. Sorry I wanted to post here, but was just not in a mood to open the laptop. And yup, agreed about the message behind emotions.

I feel increasingly frustrated because people just consider Jerry an obstacle in my life, an obstacle to the only thing I apparently am living for – study, study and more study. I feel ok when I am around with people, anybody at all. But once I am alone, the depression strikes back like a tornado. I cried alone again yesterday when I thought of her, how she used to send sweet messages like “Hello bro, had lunch? How are you feeling? I was so worried when I heard that you had stomach pain… come on FB when you have time. I love you too… I promise I’ll be there with you always.” But she’s not… and it’s all because of me. I’m a good for nothing piece of dirt who treated her like an animal and did not value her love. No wonder she and her sister now consider me a monster and a danger to mankind. I’m sorry… I tried my best not to delve into the self-bashing but my conscience will never ever forgive me for destroying the most beautiful relationship I was ever blessed with. If only I was not greedy to want her as more than a sister, she would still be with me. My heart screams with pain at that thought.

Thanks Anita for the kind words. I know we both are at fault in different ways, but I cannot forget how I hurt her saying those horrible things like “may your tongue rot”. Though I know we would have patched up by now if that were the sole issue… I do not know how to make her understand that what she’s doing is wrong. She’s calmly going about her life with no regrets, so is her sister and my friends and everyone else… I’m the only one being stabbed day and night by guilt and love. If only we could be reunited by some miracle, I swear I’ll wish for nothing else in my life.

I don’t know how to maintain momentum in my studies until the July 24 exam. Life has become so monotonous and depressing that I no longer am enjoying music, films, books or anything else that I used to love. I don’t feel like doing anything except wasting myself away locked in my room. And yet I know I’m just screwing my life if I do that… so as usual I need to put aside my emotions and continue to study. My schoolmates are all settled with great jobs, quite a few are married with children, one guy has risen to become a singing sensation all over India and his posters are all over our city. And here am I, doing nothing but studying for premedical fruitlessly from 2007 and going about various wild goose chases, locked up in my room with a huge paunch and short temper. It’s so depressing.