I’m sorry Anita; I didn’t notice the post wasn’t by you (was indeed wondering as I knew you know about her family. My bad habit of haste). I agree; the blame-throwing part is something possibly bred into me from family. But I do not understand why it keeps happening though here, in this case I am accepting my fault of ill treating Jerry and wishing to make up for it. I don’t know then why the voice tries to push me as blameless. I always thought I did not have an ego… but isn’t this the classical sign of a huge one?

Do read that above part where I posted the bad things I said to Jerry. All the more reason why I no longer consider myself a good or respectable person.

I’ll keep that in mind, yes. Sorry again.

Vile is really an understatement to what my message is. It’s not human. This is just what I was saying/thinking… if her family ever saw these messages I sent to her, what would he think of me? Would they not feel I am just another of the cyber monsters who pollute Internet boards? Would her father ever even think of letting us be in contact again, let alone what we discussed? Even my friends were so disgusted after this and one of them did not talk to me for long. I kept saying to her, I hurt you and don’t deserve to be with you. She always replied – “you do deserve to be with me, because I know the good in you and otherwise I wouldn’t still be here. I just want you to promise me to change and never say such things again.” Is there even a word for how beautiful her heart is? How innocent, kind, loving and faithful her soul is?

I was reading the “ghosting” topic on our forum here and I know I did that as well. I ask myself for one good reason why I still deserve to be with a girl like her… and I hear nothing but a ringing silence. My heart doesn’t even feel that she must forgive me now. I feel within that it’s best for her to go away from a vicious monster like me and be with people who’ll love and care for her, never hurt her the way I did. She kept saying, “please don’t be like this, it depresses me, everyone in my family knows I’m sensitive and nobody ever treated me like this”, and yet she stayed with me and bore all my viciousness without comment until finally I crossed the limits. I know I cannot live without her… and yet, can anybody who sees this ugliness ever feel that I love her? Is it not utter selfishness on my part to still pray for her to come back to me, despite all that I did to her? Thinking all this I just wish I had a cyanide pill or something in handy, these three weeks. I truly am sick of what I am, you can see why.

My grandma actually had a grudge against that boy because in one of the previous classes, his mom used to be the class teacher and for some reason (jealousy or sadism, whatever) kept beating me up for minor reasons and a few times, he unnecessarily told on me to her. Still, I agree it was an extreme reaction from my grandma to talk of him dying and all. Could it be genetic? It truly does make me sick in every way.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.

You said it rightly, Anita. Fact remains that it weren’t for Jerry, I would not even be here. The only reason I want to change is for her. Otherwise, life simply went on for me without caring what anyone thought of me. After all, even now when I confessed to my parents that I hurt a loved one very badly, my mom says – “A darling little boy like you can’t hurt a fly. That person must be taking advantage of your innocence.” Even one of my friends, after knowing this, kept insisting I’m a good person and was “just angry”, until I pressed her to be honest and she admitted I was disgusting. When people around me work hard to lay all blame off me, why would I have noticed anything until such a monstrosity happened? The fact that it happened many times and despite wanting to change, I didn’t, shows that I did not care enough. That’s just the harsh truth. (Though not trying to lessen my blame, but this was the only time I said something directly against her. Other times were all like ‘I know I’m bad, you don’t like me, I hope I die.’ Not that it’s any less bad.)

I know the truth. I just know that if she truly leaves me, I don’t have any motivation to continue my pursuit either. I know people will keep saying, “there are things more important in life, she’s not everything”, but I cannot let go of her. Especially because you know how wonderful she is and it’s all my fault for this situation. I know I most definitely do not deserve to be even back with her as a friend without making significant progress in changing myself. I do have enough faith in our bond to feel that we still can be back, at least one last time. I pray it happens and nothing bad ever happens between us again. It’s my only wish and the only reason I am here hoping to change myself and be back with her when the time is right.

This is indeed very true. Right now I have been trying to recall even a single instance when my family ever blamed me for something wrong I did at school or elsewhere. The only incidents I can recall are… not studying well enough, not following their wishes, that painful “I wish I have a son for a doctor in my next life” drama I mentioned earlier. I don’t think they ever told me to correct my behaviour towards others. Even if any teacher or student ever said a word against me in school, they immediately went there to fight with them without even waiting to fully know the situation. I myself got so tired of this that I stopped telling them about school incidents soon after. Like if I failed to do my homework and the teacher made me stand outside the class, I can never imagine my family even reprimanding me for not doing my work and ensuring I did it, rather they’d lament over the extreme torture my delicate legs had to endure for those 30 minutes.

I have always accepted that this kind of behaviour – being angry, not having a filter over my mouth and saying awful and abusive things is wrong. I hated myself for it, I felt seriously bad for Jerry and more than once resolved to never do it again and make her as happy as I could. I did succeed in making her happy too but such incidents occurred again periodically too. I just don’t know why I’m not able to stop myself when something “ticks” me off (in this case, a perceived insult towards family). That “inner voice” kept saying – “yes, it is an insult! If you try to ignore that it’s an insult, and be quiet, I will hail you as a coward forever for failing to defend them!” It was forcing me to say even worse things, but my rational side stopped me saying – “if you say that to her, then whatever chance you stand of reuniting with her will be gone too. ENOUGH.” The only thing I’m glad for.

I cannot be gentle with myself so easily. I only visualize poor Jerry crying quietly alone after reading this vile poison I sent her and I am reminded that nobody but me is directly responsible for this situation. If I had been harsh with myself from the beginning and severely punished myself for abusing her, forced myself to improve day and night, none of this would’ve ever happened.

I understand that, Anita. I can see where you’re coming from. But clearly, being gentle and patient did not work for me in this past year. Right from December 2014 when I had been acting like a vicious monster, Jerry messaged me sweetly and patiently on my birthday in May and asked me so gently, “Bro, it’s your birthday today. I only ask you to promise me a few things. I ask you not to use abuses for yourself. I ask you to be patient and understand what I’m trying to say, before getting angry. I ask you not to repeatedly quote the haters’ bad words for our actor we love. Can you please do this much for me?” I promised her. It wasn’t like my promise wasn’t sincere, that I didn’t feel bad each time I failed to live up to it. But you can see where it led to. Clearly being just gentle and patient wasn’t sufficient, or my resolve wasn’t strong enough. Do I not love Jerry enough to wish to sincerely change for her? Then why did I fail every time? She has every reason to believe I wasn’t sincere, and that’s what made me feel I should’ve been harder with myself. But I agree with your statements that self-hatred will only make this worse. I’ll do my best to control it.

I can live with accepting that I did something terribly wrong, and I cannot change it. That damage is done. I however, cannot live with losing her. I want to sincerely make up to her for what I did. And most importantly, fulfill right now the promise I made to her nearly a year ago; sincerely change myself completely.

Regarding my mom, I’d probably have been offended had I not been so angry and hurt with my family myself (I wish I was like this during that talk with Jerry). And yes… in fact I was just talking to my friend about it, even her mom giving her the same “studies are everything” lecture. I didn’t want to post this in public… but I guess you really should see what else my mom said:

Me: Mom, please stop trying to defend me. I did something really horrible to someone I love and respect a lot. I cannot be excused.
Mom: None of it matters. Can we please just put this aside until your exams are over? Then, I promise we’ll work on this together.
Me: My guilt and depression won’t let me study. I’ve become a horrible person. Of what use is money and fame if I have no values left?
Mom: Yes, career is everything to live in society today! Do you deny it?
Me: No, but…
Mom: Just see your uncle. He uses the most foul language I ever heard, even beats his wife, but he’s a top ranking doctor in town and all respect him. So what if he’s not behaving well? He has all things money can buy in life. Even my own (family member) used to abuse me badly, but I am saying nothing.
Me: Mom, are you serious?? No matter who does such behaviour, it is WRONG. Should I not be a better person than those people? Are you saying such behaviour is acceptable as long as you become a big doctor or whatever?
Mom: No, but you just go and study now and stop thinking all this. Just qualify your exam first. I promise we’ll take you to a psychiatrist, do whatever you want then.
Me: Because of me, out there someone is hurt and crying and so depressed. Don’t you think the society will blame you too for giving me wrong values?
Mom: Look, you are wasting valuable time. How many topics are left to be covered in physics, chemistry? Are all your assignments complete? Did you study…
Me: *Storms out in frustration*

I have no more to say… the above convo speaks for itself.

Yes. This was barely a week back and very much is still continuing. I’m sitting in my room like a living corpse, refusing meals and crying over memories of her, and all my parents are worried about is how much “valuable time” I am wasting, time in which I could’ve solved another two hundred precious MCQs on atomic structure or oxidative phosphorylation. When I get angry saying that I’m expected to be working like a robot with no emotions, I’m told – “Don’t say that! What about your friends who are scoring 99% in all practice tests? Are they not humans with emotions too? But see, they give priorities to studies and put everything back. They’ll qualify the exams and unless you work equally hard and push back this issue for now, you won’t.” Then when I persist, mom says – “OK fine, we’ll put aside your studies for now. Tell me, who’s this person you love so much and are so worried about? We’ll make friends with them, convince them to forgive you and talk to you again.” I was so flabbergasted at this that I didn’t even know what to say.

OK I do understand how crucial this exam is, why my parents are so concerned as I’ve nearly ruined my career already, and they’re working very hard to make sure I get the best facilities. I do agree that a good job is vital to earn respect in society and life. I just did not expect mom to brush aside a clearly serious issue regarding my personality flaws so lightly, and ignore the fact that I’m suicidal and half dead due to depression and grief, all they care is that I could’ve studied more in that time and not the fact that I’m being crushed with anguish. This just hurt me a lot.

Thanks again Anita. Addressing these issues separately…

1. I definitely am interested, yes. I chose this career of my own accord but everything I had to endure for the past years, has soured my motivation to pursue it. But then, the biology field in India doesn’t offer any more strong careers as of now. They’re not really worth it considering my age and lack of time. I do need to study hard to solve this once and for all.

2. I know. I can accept it being a temporary break. But the fear of losing her keeps haunting me day and night. Her memories torture me all the time. My guilt at hurting her kills me. I am only surviving by keeping my faith in our bond alive in my heart like a Patronus (in Harry Potter terms). I know that even if she contacts me right now, I’ve not yet changed myself and it just isn’t right for me to be with her until I do.

3. I can deal with that at least at the present. As long as I’m seen sitting with a mountain of books, and offer a long grocery list of all the topics I prepared that day, my parents are satisfied. I can keep that up until exams and then work out the issues we are concerned about. Problem is, my depression won’t let me study and me sitting like a zombie in my room is attracting concern.