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Depressed Partner Pushing me Away

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  • April 17, 2018 at 11:42 am #202845
    Worried Partner
    Participant

    Hi,

    So I’ve been seeing my partner for 4 months, not a very long time but I feel very attached to him. We’ve been very open with one another, he suffers from severe depression and anxiety. Things were going well, he’s always had good days and bad. But about 3 weeks ago he hit an extreme low point and attempted suicide. Within these following weeks things were rocky but were getting better I was trying to be supportive and he was usually very accepting. But yesterday he told me he wanted to break up. That he was unfit to be in a relationship right now and he has no capacity right now to be romantic. I’m obviously quite hurt since I do love him. But I told him I understood that he wants to be alone. But I’m scared he’s isolating himself pushing away everyone that’s cares about him. He says he doesn’t want to be a burden and thinks he brings people down. I told him I’d be here for him even though we aren’t together, but he doesn’t want my help. He says he feels suffocated by everyone. But then last night he messaged me saying he’s having a panic attack and that he messed up. We talked for a bit, but this morning when I reached out to see how he was he shut down and said he can’t do this. I’m just so confused and don’t know how to go about this situation. I’m hurt, but I still care about him and want to be there for him. I don’t know if I can handle him walking in and out of my life when he feels up to it. If anyone has advice or wants to share a similar story please feel free to respond. I’m so torn of wether I should keep offering my help or just try and move on.

    April 17, 2018 at 1:44 pm #202869
    Mark
    Participant

    Worried Partner,

    It’s like the old saw: Put your oxygen mask on first before your child, i.e. take care of yourself before trying to help others.

    Hopefully this guy will get professional help.  You are not his therapist.  There is a national suicide hotline.

    You still can be in his life as a friend but you are setting yourself up if you play the role as the person he leans on for his depression and anxiety.  You cannot fix him.

    If you cannot handle him walking in and out of your life when he feels up to it then you walk away to take care of yourself.

    Mark

    April 18, 2018 at 10:30 am #203063
    Kim
    Participant

    I went through similar relationship for 7 years. It never got better. Move on. They need to get their self whole in order to love them self first. They need to learn to be in a relationship with them self first. Lot’s of therapy and not everyone has the fortitude to do it.

    April 19, 2018 at 6:31 am #203161
    Regi
    Participant

    I also met a girl with a depression. We met a few times, kissed, I even started to have feelings for her. 1 month later I first noticed her depression, and she’s been pushing me away ever since. At the moment she texts me like 1 time in a month, pretending to be happy. I gave up on her long ago.

    Like Kim said they need to fix themselves first to get better. It’s hard to admit you can’t help someone you love, but in my opinion it’s the harsh truth.

    If you don’t want to give up on him yet, try leaving presents at his door or write him a love letter or something. Do random nice things. Don’t force him to talk about his problems either. Always try to be his sunshine, be happy around him.

    What you have to remember is that you don’t want change the way you treat him. Don’t text him less, don’t ask him out less, ACT NORMAL. Even if he blocks everything off, just keep cool and text again later. You may be the only stability in his life. Also, pets have the similar effect as valium. Pets are surprisingly effective against depressions.

    A tip for your own mental health is to keep in mind that he will NEVER hurt you on purpose. Remember this at all times. People who are depressed only care about their own missery, they don’t have energy to take your needs into account. It looks selfish, but they simply lack energy.

    I wouldn’t give up on him now, not yet. But don’t let his depression swallow you.

    Good luck !

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