Desparate Relationship Situaion, please help!

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This topic has 11 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by Nan.

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June 14, 2016 at 7:46 am #107232
khay
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I met my “bf” a year ago while i was in the process of my divorce. We got along great in the beginning, then shortly thereafter found out I was pregnant. Immediately after that we really started to get into numerous fights and arguments. It had gotten somewhat physical a few times, on both sides. He started to deny the baby as his, ripped up ultrasound pictures, even wished us dead. As bad as our fights got, we seemed to get passed them and continued to try and work things out. I found him lying numerous times about being on dating sites and then he started adding and messaging random females on Facebook, asking to take them out. He claims he never went through with the meetups, but I have multiple screenshots of texts and messages that seem to prove otherwise. I had even spoken to some of the women who backup my allegations. It has gotten to the point where as soon as we try to talk, it turns into a screaming battle and we call each other such hurtful names (calling me a whore, hoe, b****, slut, wished me and the baby were dead, etc). I am now almost 7 months pregnant. I’m starting to think that its best for me to go back home to Canada with my family (I was born there and moved here in the states after getting married.) I have no family here, and most of not all the friends I thought I had, turned their backs on me after the divorce as a I met most of them through my ex-husband. Being so close to my due date, I plan on leaving in a few short weeks. Now, he seems really want to try and work things out, but I found out he just recently tried to ask another woman out 3 days ago. Even after assuring me and lying to my face that he wasn’t doing anything of the sort. He then finally admitted he was again because he said he’s been lonely since all we do is fight. He is now begging me to stay, that he loves me, claiming I am a bad person for denying him the right to be present for the baby’s birth, which I never said he couldn’t do. According to him, he won’t be able to come to Canada for the birth as he is still on probation and can’t leave the country. I don’t want to have the baby here as I know he will file a court order that will prevent me and the baby from moving. Am I doing the right thing by leaving? He’d been physical with me a few times during this pregnancy, threatened to have me beat up while pregnant, claimed it was my fault because he assumes I’m sleeping around (yes, apparently while pregnant smh). I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. It is starting to take a toll on me, recent check up showed high blood pressure due to stress…I need advice…am I the bad person?
- This topic was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by khay.
June 14, 2016 at 8:04 am #107236

Anonymous
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Dear ksolano88:

As to your last question: “..am I the bad person?” I think you are asking it in relation to your boyfriend: am I a bad person to my boyfriend?

It is very sad for me that you are asking if you are bad to your boyfriend and NOT: am I bad to my baby?

So very sad. You already have high blood pressure and adrenaline/ other chemicals due to your distress with him are circulating through your blood, not unlikely, harming your baby before he/ she is even born. And yet, you are considering staying in the U.S. with your boyfriend so … to make sure that your baby will be harmed?

I am sure you are not thinking these words, but if you stay with him you will be acting in accordance with a thought that goes something like this: my baby may be harmed by my chemical distress so far because of the abuse and distress in this relationship. So maybe I should stay with this man so that my baby will continue to be damaged by what the baby will be seeing and hearing and experiencing after his birth.

So I think the question should be: am I being a bad person to my baby by leaving this man?

You feel badly to see your boyfriend hurting, suffering the consequences of his own choices to abuse and mistreat you. Will you protect him from the natural consequences of his own actions, sacrificing the health of an innocent new arrival to life, or… will you do the right thing?

If you return to Canada, please attend good psychotherapy so to heal from injuries you suffered in your life that lead you to accept this situation you are in and make a good, safe, loving home for your baby.

Please post again.

anita

June 14, 2016 at 8:08 am #107237

khay
Participant

Anita,

That was what I meant..If I was being a bad person to my baby for denying him a chance to be around his father..Sorry I didn’t clarify that. He has a son from his previous marriage and he is an amazing father…I just feel bad that my son won’t get to experience that. I have stood my ground and want to move back so that my son’s wellbeing is good. I just feel so confused…

June 14, 2016 at 8:52 am #107244

Maria_L
Participant

Hello,

I am sure that you are wonderful person caught up in very bad circumstances. Your bad mental and physical health are normal human reaction to very abnormal circumstances, and I hope that they won’t be damaging for your baby. I feel that you are more than aware that you have to leave the country and your boyfriend and I am sure that now it is just a matter of time till you get the strength to make that step.

A friend of mine was abandoned during her pregnancy by her fiancee with no explanation, and he wasn’t abusive, or anything but nice to her by that moment. She constantly blamed herself and went through hell because of this, which resulted with very risky pregnancy and her son being born prematurely. During that point she just kept thinking about her unfortunate situation. But once the baby was born, she forgot everything. Her baby’s smile gave her enough strength to go through every bad thing that happened. She kept repeating ‘I wish I had this perspective on things before’.

In two months the biggest love of your life will be born. There is no such thing on the planet that can be measured with the love of a mother to her baby. Everything else falls behind… So think of your unborn baby’s smile through these hard times, on the fact that you need to save that creature from potentially abusive environment… And i am sure that your baby will save you too, if nothing else, this whole mess now will become less important.

Love yourself, and love your baby before you let the love for your boyfriend hurt you any further. I wish you the best of luck!

June 14, 2016 at 9:18 am #107246

Anonymous
Guest

I doubt he is an amazing father to his other son. I really do. It may seem that way to you, but you only observed a little bit of how he behaves with his son. Many abusive parents behave lovingly in some circumstances.

If you stay with the man and he continues to abuse you as he is most probably will, then by proxy he will be abusing your child because for a child to be a witness to abuse is very scary and damaging. Also, as you get abused as a mother, you will not be able to be a good mother yourself because you will be too distressed, sick and unavailable to do a good job.

So you would be a good mother if you protect your child from abuse, be it direct abuse or indirect, they both hurt.

Anyway you look at it, once you are not confused, leaving this man is a very good idea. By the way, what is he on probation for?

anita

June 14, 2016 at 9:41 am #107251

khay
Participant

Hi Maria,

thank you for that insight. It has definitely put a lot into perspective. You’re right, I think its just the strength to move forward and take that step. I want nothing but the best for my baby, and knowing and hearing that I’m not the only one makes it a little easier. Thank you again 🙂

June 14, 2016 at 9:45 am #107252

khay
Participant

Hi Anita,

I have seen him with his son and I can vouch that he is a good father, but in terms of his behavior with woman, he is not a good man. Thank you for your insight, you are right. I grew up in an abusive home and know how it feels firsthand, I should know better. I guess I got lost along the way, overwhelmed even. No excuse, my child COMES FIRST. Thank you Anita 🙂

As for your question, he is on probation for trespassing a high school. His nephew had gotten into a fight at school and he was there. He’s always been protective of that nephew,as he raised him.

June 14, 2016 at 9:54 am #107254

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ksolano88:

I wish you had a home in Canada, your original home where you could find refuge. A shame that too was an abusive home. You will need a whole lot of courage to do the right thing by your child and by you. You owe your child and you a better life. And it is possible for you. If you take one step at a time, plan for best results.

You will need help, maybe community help, government help for single mothers…

I still very much doubt he is a good father or uncle. I think it takes a decent person to be a good parent or uncle. Or anything. He is not decent. He can’t be a good father and at the same time an abusive husband/ partner. Like I wrote before, a child will be damaged by witnessing abuse. And he can’t be a good uncle by trespassing on a high school unnecessarily and getting in trouble with the law- how did that protect his nephew, to know that his uncle was arrested because of him…? And what example is it for his nephew- that it is okay to break the law when angry? These things can’t be separated.

Please do post anytime.

anita

June 14, 2016 at 10:42 am #107263

Eris
Participant

Good fathers do not wish there unborn children dead and rip up ultrasounds, they do not physically abuse the mother of their child while the child is inside them.

A good father teaches his children how to behave through example. If your child is a boy what will he learn from his father about how to treat women and be a good person, what will he learn about how he should treat you from his father? What will he learn about what a relationship should be like between a man and woman?

Do you want your son (I assume it is a boy as you said his father) to be like his father?

What life do you want your child to have?

June 22, 2016 at 7:59 am #107931

khay
Participant

Update….

So he has now tried to propose. When I denied knowing it was only a ploy to get me to stay. He then threatened to end his life. He has used his other son to guilt trip saying I am breaking up our family. I just feel emotionally confused…I know in the long run I am doing whats best for my son….I just feel lost..

June 22, 2016 at 8:57 am #107942

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ksolano88:

You are under attack. His tactics aimed at making you stay are working, at least partially. These tactics are his attacks on your logic, emotions leaving you confused and lost. Before he wins by rendering you too weak to proceed with what is right for you and for your son, move away from him ASAP- As Soon As Possible. Exit the war zone, his physical presence, that is; exit contact with him so that you are no longer attacked.

Please do post again. You know what he is doing, this is good, but you are only human and if you stay in a war zone too long, you will get weaker.

Save yourself and your son, exit the war zone.

anita

June 22, 2016 at 11:29 am #107958

Nan
Participant

HiSOLAN88,
Anita is absolutely correct. He is playing a very manipulative evil game with you, with the purpose of keeping you in his clutches. Save yourself! Please, for the sake of you and your child.
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