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Desperate for Change! Don't know how?

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  • #47120
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Hello Fellow Tiny Buddha’s,

    It has been a while since I have posted, although I have read many of the forum topics. I was taking it quite easy for a while and doing some extreme hibernation. I began realizing all the things in my life that doesn’t serve me and cutting them out. The first was my job. I had been there for three years and have been doing a great job but it was not satisfying me. I didn’t feel like I was working for a purpose greater than myself or even greater than a paycheck. So I quit without a back up other than savings. I was worried that people would think I was crazy leaving a perfectly good job for no reason but I was actually surprised that a few actually supported me. Secondly, my current relationship isn’t right for me. There is no deep connection there. I had posted about it before. Although I have not officially cut it off with him because we have two more months before our lease is up, I have accepted that he is who he is and that the relationship isn’t working. Sounds simple but it isn’t. I just accepted our relationship for exactly what it was and after the initial discomfort, I feel an immense burden lifted because I am no longer trying to change it. Of course it is painful and always sad to end things but it feels good. Now, I am concerned about where to start. You know they say out with the old and in with the new. But where is that new for me? I know no one can tell me what that is but if someone can tell me how to go about finding it. Where do I start? I want a career full of purpose and where I can help others. I want to learn to start to feel comfortable with my body. I no longer want that dissociation. I want to reconnect with my body as I have heard that healing and spiritual transformation can be done that way. I want to meditate more. I want to be more comfortable with being who I am without the shame. I fantasize day in and day out about this new me but I have yet to take action. I have been out of work for about a month and three weeks now and have yet to do any of the things I intended on doing. Like volunteering, meditating, etc. It’s as if I suffer from decision paralysis or opportunity paralysis. It’s been a tough, beautiful journey where I realize the world is an open vast place and I could be anywhere, doing anything yet I feel tremendous fear. What if I chose the wrong thing? What if the grass isn’t greener? I am full of what ifs and fears. I really want to snap out of it. I am also in a very weird stage in my life. I feel like I have no solid ground. It is just me and uncertainty. Usually when I make changes, like quitting a job, I know what is next but not this time around. I don’t want to make mindless changes and just jump into the next thing. I want it to be meaningful. I am putting so much importance on my next move that it is making it hard to make a move. I am considering teaching English in Thailand and while there, obtaining a yoga teaching certification. The doors have been opened for me as I already have a potential job there. When I think of traveling again, which is what I love most, I light up. However, at the same time I feel a bit inadequate to handle my life right now. To make a long story short, I know I need change, I don’t know where to start and I don’t know how to get rid of the anxiety and fear. I am scared that even if I do make changes they will not last. I notice that I commit myself full force in the beginning of things but lose steam later on. I would like to commit to a new me. I don’t want to fall back into old patterns. Thanks in advance for your insight!

    #47122
    Al
    Participant

    Here is a link I posted last night for another member concerning ‘fear’.

    http://www.dannychoo.com/en/post/1645/Tokyo+Photo+Walk+3.html

    It is from a British man whom in his 40’s gave his life in London up to move to Japan and pursue his dreams. Following his blog may give you insight and the inspiration you need to get jumpstarted. I will add no more as I believe that your main concern IS overcoming fear. In the case that I a wrong, I hope that other members will step in to give you some direction. In any case, I urge you to visit his site and please return to reply after doing so as I will be very interested to hear from you then. 🙂

    Al

    #47134
    Matt
    Participant

    Zenhen,

    Sometimes when we are going through life changes, such as uprooting the old sticky unhelpful patterns and learning to grow loving ones, we can become impatient with the time it takes to heal. Much like your hibernation, where your body and mind needed rest to process what it had learned, perhaps lead to restlessness and fear of stagnation. “Wasting time” and so forth. This can carry on into the next phase, where we can become afraid that we will choose like we chose, and end up in the same gooey mess.

    Have a little faith, dear sister, you’ve grown a ton. But, have a little patience, because you’re also still healing. Rememeber that the road is always filled with mistakes, but as you keep jumping from the heart, the mistakes won’t produce shame anymore (or it erodes more and more with time), and the mistakes are rich with information. So its OK to jump to Thailand for instance, because if it sparkles for you, there is probably something there to find. And even if not, we bring the mountain with us, so you’ll have plenty opportunity to face your fears and sing into the darkness from the heart.

    That being said, there are certainly a few tips that might help you on your way. I remember your fondness of lists (welcome back by the way, *hugs*) so consider:

    1) joy arises as we follow our desire… not from seeing a thing through or holding fast to some renewed vision of self. Those have always been and always will be just a dream, a carrot. Getting up and doing the small things is where joy arises. Being kind to another. Listening to the inner voice and going left when it calls you to. Jumping even with the fear. Those moments produce the sparkle that you seek.

    2) We all feel fear. I have some right now, as I pour my heartsong into words. The fear lessens as we take a breath, find our courage, and jump. For me, at least, that’s pretty much the only way. “Yep, fear, normal, jump”. After all, fear is less potent than regret, which is often what happens when we suppress our desire because of fear.

    3) There is nothing you need to do to increase your value to the earth. Its inherent, natural, flowing through you already. Its ok to just dance, sing and play. That’s when the light shines through us the brightest… not because we try to carry some weight to prove we’re strong enough to be lovable. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #47187
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thank you for the kind welcome back! I appreciate the cyber embrace : ). I do love lists. It helps me sort out my scattered thoughts. I am slowly realizing that I don’t have to follow each thought though. I was especially touched by point number three. I remember a time when light flowed through me effortlessly. My presence of ease and calm made others feel that way too. For some reason, after I have become more self aware, it has been harder for me to be more free like that. I think I began to think obsessively or at least became more aware of my thinking (I used think three times in one sentence…lol). The self awareness sort of mutated into self consciousness. I began to constantly question every move I made, every motive, everything that I did. On the quest to heal and to become much more spiritual, I became too rigid. As a child, I grew up both catholic and evangelist. Both of which are fear based and judgment based religions. I keep bringing this into my spiritual practice. So I try my best to be compassionate and kind to myself but I keep acting like a sargent. I also keep trying to find exact rules to follow to attain enlightenment, although logically I know rules don’t exist. It isn’t about some magic formula or trying to even obtain a goal. It is like you said just simply being what I already am. You are so right to comment on trying to prove that I am strong enough to be lovable. Being jobless (luckily it was voluntary) has made me realize just how attached I am to what I do and how I used doing to create an identity for myself. Doing nothing has been pretty tough because I have nothing to distract me from me. I do trust that all will be well. I just have to learn to be patient and to let things simply be. I put too much pressure and expectations on myself. Thank you so much for your insight Matt! How are things for you? I hope all is well!

    Sending Much Love,

    Zenhen

    #47188
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Al,

    You are right to comment that fear is the greatest hindrance in trying to figure out what I want and how to change. I just have to accept my fear but move forward anyways. like Matt commented. I read the article. I like how he said he had these fears that something bad might happen. That has been my main fear too; just expecting the worst. I think it really is a form of self protection. An excuse not to do it. Because the truth is we have NO control whatsoever of what will happen. What will be will be.

    Thank for sharing with me!

    Peace and Love,

    Zenhen

    #47189
    Matt
    Participant

    Zenhen,

    Things are well for me, thanks for asking! Sharing love and light as my heart points me hither and yon. 🙂

    I can understand why you see how your mind becomes bouncy, it is one of the products of growing awareness. Not the bouncy, just the noticing. It is quite natural to try to do something with the thoughts… such as directing them here and there, sorting them, exploring them. No need, sister, no need.

    Consider instead the mind more like a pool. There are ripples in the pool (thoughts) that when the bounce up against the side of the pool, they produce vibrations. Restlessness, shame, fear, greed… all just ripples banging up against the side of the pool. The road to enlightenment isn’t about stopping or sorting the thoughts, rather it is about increasing the space of the pool… spreading the sides out until they vanish into the horizon, and eventually altogether. To bring this into the mind, it is much the same. We don’t have to do anything with thoughts, they just blow in and blow out. As we learn to let them be, the space inside the mind opens up and the thoughts are just thoughts. Much like a field with some wildflowers in it, there is a vastness of mind that thoughts bloom within.

    There is a bit of a guidebook for producing that space, which is the eightfold path. It begins as a sort of moral directive… a strategy of behaving that increases the size of the pool. Even so, its only a raft, because as the space increases, following our heartfelt inspiration becomes the path home each and every time.

    Nothing to distract you from you, huh? And that’s a bad thing? You’re beautiful, smart, aware, passionate… it seems to me that you’d be some pretty awesome company. Smile, sis, and remember!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #47257
    B.Bells
    Participant

    Hey life doesn’t always run smooth all the time for everyone . There are always times of uncertainty , flux and yes it sucks . Uncertainty is scary . When things do come around though , as they will , you may even appreciate these down times . They are sort of like growing pains and whether you realize it or not you are learning & growing as we speak . And I say all this because I am in a similar place . I’m in emotional pain during this time of year and not as busy as I’d like to be as my work (which I do love) is seasonal . I am eternally optimistic however pained I may be .
    Good Luck, you sound like you’re heading in the right direction 🙂

    #47748
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Zenhen 🙂 What are you passions? What lights you up? Travel? What else? It might be a good idea to write down all the things you are passionate about, all the skills you have from previous jobs, and cross-referencing each of those to come up with options for desired careers. Pick something, and work out what you have to do in order to get it. It is ok if you pick something and later decide it’s not for you. You do not have to stick with it forever! You could even choose multiple career options 🙂

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