did he lie about his feelings?

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    Please give me answers about his behaviour

    So there was a guy I was in college with. I was randomly affectionate with him drunk, and his eyes lit up. He couldn’t take his eyes off me in school. I was terrified, I had never been in a relationship and sober I started to feel scared. (I have had a v. rocky childhood, didn’t come from secure family, depression self esteem problems) and I started to gradually distance myself from him. I knew he was hurt but I did not want to lead him into me investing in something I wasn’t emotionally ready for. He stared and stared at me as we spoke less to we eventually ignored each other. I felt guilt, I didn’t want him to notice me but I didn’t want him to think I didn’t care. So I emailed and apologised for my strange behaviour without being too detailed and said I understood if he didn’t want to talk. He replied instantly and gave some bizzare excuse of ‘yeah sorry I have been too busy to talk to you.’ Which I guess was him trying to protect his ego. we went for coffee, we spoke about everything except my actions.
    Fast forward to this year – he still stared and stared. If I was near he’d try draw attention to himself and put on weird accents to see if I would respond. I found out he’d drunkenly kissed a few girls as he seems to party a lot, it hurt like hell. He didn’t hang out with these girls just when he was drunk and wanted affection. We went on a class trip abroad. He saw me speaking to another guy and he said to my friend pissed off – ‘who is she talking to?’ I saw a flash and he’d taken a photo? I was childishly annoyed he had kissed another girl. I know i don’t own him. And I thought I really had to try and live for myself and stop waiting for him. So I kissed a guy in a club. When we got back he heard about it and he didn’t believe it. (He obviously has me pegged as socially awkward) he seemed to be sulking ALL day. If any time… someone mentions or brings up a good looking guy and I agree he walks away – even if I had no feelings for them. But weirdly we started talking a lot more and making an effort – even flirty. Then I walk by and see him with a girl and my instincts told me something was going on and I was right. His jaw dropped when I walked by, like it was something he was keeping a secret. Someone was teasing me about liking this weird guy as a total joke and he walked away , sighed like he was aggitated, hardly subtle and drunkenly kissed his girl. I have no idea if he had spoken about me or she had seen him looking at me. Because I got filthy looks from her. Something must have happened because she constantly glared at me. And he constantly stared at me too when she wasn’t around.
    I tried to be brave and still have a relationship with him. I did ~ my best friend knows all about this and is close to him. She said oh we were talking about you. He put his hands on his head and said ‘really what did she say? Tell me tell me?’ And she was kidding and said ‘she said you’re really good looking’ apparently he said ‘WHat? Really?’ And went bright red and was delighted the whole day. one day before this I asked for something in return for a book. He gave it to me and the object actually belonged to his grandfather. I went in to thank him and this was since my friend talked to him. He went flaming red when I walked in and I said ‘I’ll treasure it’ and hugged him. He could not catch his breath. It was so so sweet. I spent more time with him and he told me personal things about his family. The girl he is apparently seeing and him – when together sober seem like they don’t really know each other? The hug in a friendly way and seem to be ‘catching up.’ She asked him to go for coffee, or go for a drink and he said ‘you look tired you should probably go home’ hardly romantic.

    So there was an end of year event and my heart was broken when I saw them together. I needed to just speak to him and ask him how he really felt about me. In hindsight this was stupid. This girl was there and I was drunk. But after him glancing at me 4 times while dancing I had enough. I asked him if I could speak to him and he followed willingly into a corner.
    I said how do you feel about me and he said ‘you go first’ and I made him go first. ‘I see you as a friend, platonically.’ And I was actually drunkenly gob smacked. So I started to pull him up on his behaviour. ‘Why did you take a photo of me when I spoke to another guy? Why do you react so strongly at the mention of other men? Why did you go bright red when I hugged you? Why did you give me what belonged to your grand father?
    ~ well you asked for it and she didn’t
    ~ I wasn’t expecting you that’s why I blushed
    ~ yeah maybe I did take a photo, but I’m seeing someone

    I was so angry but I held my composure as best I could.
    I know I put him in an awkward position.
    But you know what he asked me I did like this weird boy. (Why does he care?)
    I said he wasn’t my type.
    He asked me what my type was. (?)
    I said maybe I try and fix people.
    ‘Do you want to fix me?’
    I told him I thought he was a lying.

    He wasn’t at all sympathetic to me. He seemed delighted.
    We spoke about our personal problems. He asked what I thought about .
    We spoke for nearly an hour and later on people were convinced we were an item because it looked so intimate.
    He said I was an enigma and that he thought I was a lot smarter than him. I feel like I’ve built him up to me this secretly deep tortured soul but at the end of the day he just wants a girl he can be drunk with.
    His gf was watching for quite a long time. She came over and he introduced me as ‘my friend’
    I actually wanted to die.
    I think I was hard on him during our conversation. I’m ashamed of my drunken words and how I just got so frustrated with him and said ‘maybe I just see you as a brother’ and he looked disgusted.

    I texted him to say ‘I’m glad we had a chat. I value you’
    That took a lot to say.
    And he never replied.
    My friend saw him and he could barely look her in the eye and was extremely shy and awkward because she obviously knows.
    I don’t know what to think.
    I’m not sure if he’s scared to get close to me. Maybe he doesn’t like me? I am going crazy trying to understand. If I am his friend why didn’t he reply?
    I feel so sad and depressed about this- it took so much courage for me to try and talk to him about this. I feel like I gave him an opportunity or a chance and he blew it. All of my friends don’t get why I like him, they think I’m too good for him but I do like him a lot and I just feel miserable and hate myself.
    It’s making me feel worthless and silly , that maybe he was telling the truth . He either didnt reply because he’s playing it cool after I tried to expose him which he evaded responsibility for. Or else he genuinely just wants me to go away
    Has anyone gone through this?


    Dear heather:

    You made a lot of assumptions about what he thinks and what he feels without checking with him to see if your assumptions are true. Here are your assumptions and possible other explanations:

    “his eyes lit up”- you assumed it meant he liked you in a special way. Maybe he just opened his eyes wide in surprise.

    ” He couldn’t take his eyes off me in school… He stared and stared at me…he still stared and stared”- you assumed he was looking at you with longings. Maybe he was just looking in your direction, not at you specifically.

    “I knew he was hurt”- you assumed he was hurt. Maybe he didn’t notice that you distanced yourself from him.

    “He replied instantly and gave some bizzare excuse of ‘yeah sorry I have been too busy to talk to you.’ Which I guess was him trying to protect his ego”- maybe it was not an excuse, maybe he was too busy or just uninterested.

    “If I was near he’d try draw attention to himself and put on weird accents to see if I would respond.”- you assumed he was trying to draw your individual attention. Maybe he was trying to draw anyone’s attention, or he was just having fun.

    “he seemed to be sulking ALL day.” – you assumed he was thinking of you. Maybe he was experiencing some physical discomfort, an upset stomach, for example, and that is the distress seen on his face.

    “His jaw dropped when I walked by”- again, an assumption that he had an emotional reaction to you walking by, while he may not have noticed you walking by.

    I will stop here with the examples, there are so many. Basically, you make a lot of assumptions based on what you FEEL, how you interpret his facial and body expressions, without checking or verifying your assumptions. Then you base your behavior on these assumptions. The conversation you had with him eventually indicate to me that most of your assumptions, maybe all reported here, were incorrect.

    Challenge your assumptions, consider different possibilities, and verify with the person via a clear, honest, straightforward conversation, sooner, better than later.



    Hi Heather,

    From your post, this going back and forth has been going on an awfully long time. So, I will make my reply short, and let me know what you think.

    Do you think if you two were meant to be together, it would have happened by now? There are too many great men out there who after a few months of really dating you, and really wanting to get to know you, without all these staring games, they are out there and they want to be with you! I would let this dead-end guy go, and focus on a man who is ready and willing to take you out on a date, and after a few dates, he can stare into your eyes romantically, wondering what it would be like to kiss you. Yes, they are great men out there like that. Let me know what you think.


    Hi Eliana,

    I think you’re right. In many ways it would be a lot easier for me if I could say ‘maybe i’m looking into things too much!’ but I’ve had mutual friends ask me whats going on between us, without me saying a word. So I can’t say it is based on my own assumptions. I actually  denied that he liked me, but it got the stage where it was just obvious. We’re both still young. If he spoke about girls to me, I’d get the picture. But he doesn’t. His behaviour is just totally unsubtle. Taking a photo of the back of my head because i spoke to another guy, asking people who i was talking to. Why would he care? Why did he go bright red when someone said i thought he was good looking? Seriously. Now he is aware that I was intune to his behaviour and maybe he’s embarrassed. I don’t know.

    He made excuses. I think you are right. Why should I be pining over someone who seems to think I will always be in the background waiting for him. It’s as though he just expected I would be okay for him to act like this. His girlfriend most certainly doesn’t like me. despite me never saying a word to her.

    The mature thing for him to do would be to reply to my text and say ‘Ok!’ if he really did see me as a friend. Because we tell each other personal things. He’s playing games again. I also am proud that i actually was the one to be courageous and to address what has been going on between us.

    My question for you is – how do i react to him when I see him next week? I would rather not see him, but I have to for college.

    I feel like ignoring him.

    Thank you for your response. I hope I can meet someone at the right time.


    Hi Heather,

    As you mentioned, he now has a girlfriend. Think about all she has to go through with being with such an emotionally unstable man..and look at yourself as starting a new life, with great new opportunities at your college..wow..think how exciting that will be for you. All the new friends you will make, the great looking men you will encounter.

    Before you know it, you will get caught up in all this new excitement, one day you will wake up thinking about something, a new class at college, a new social activity or athletic event, a cute guy you saw in class, your studies..it will most likely be a large campus, and I really doubt you will run into your ex. Try to avoid him at as much as you can, try to stay away from his girlfriend or any of his friends, just make a clean break from him. He does not deserve anything from you at this time, as he has moved on, and show your self you are a strong, independent women who can be happy without him, and you don’t even have to say anything to him. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself and analyze what he is thinking about, or what you will say to him. If you see him, just give him a polite nod, or smile and keep moving like you have people to see and places to go.

    Why should he have all the fun? Do things for you to make you happy. You already are actually by embarking on an exciting new journey, college is awesome. When I got my degrees I forgot all about my exes because I was busy going to dances, joining the college newspaper, athletics, honor clubs. You will too, and as the days go by, you will think of him and his girlfriend less and less because you will be so busy with your new life. Heck with him right? Let me know what you think.

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